Thinking back, this site has been here for quite long.

It has been here, silently through the many life lessons I've faced, mistakes I've made;
here for me to create stories with words, sometimes for me to pour my heart out, and at other times for closure.

Looking back, I used to expound on trivialities; and in my younger years of searching for an identity, was at times an arena for soul searching and a brazen testing ground for personal experimentation of different personas, in a foolhardy search for that identity uniquely mine.

It is laughable, the decisions I made then guided by many of my idealisms (now thankfully broken), yet bemused as I read I cannot help but yearn for the days past where genuine smiles came easily, and life was truly carefree.

So what of life now?

Perhaps the true intent of my post is to, as again, word the pieces of my life together. Like broken porcelain from a terrible discourse all through this year, that perhaps started in the year last. Underlying this continually trying to make sense of this stems from some sort of deep discontentment, I'd realise. With what in particular, I haven't figured. I regret my decisions, and even more so their consequences.

I regret decisions I made in school; in academics, in art, in council, in dance, in shooting
I regret decisions I made at home
I regret decisions I made in church, in my walk with God.

And perhaps most jarringly painful of all with regards to a certain friend. A friend with whom I thought 4 years and more of friendship meant as much to her as it did to me; but whom I lost in half an hour, in stubbornness from both sides and finally an entry in this goddamned place and a few more in hers.

And there, crumbling to dust like a dead vampire -that you're still crazy over haha. I guess, I've come to realise that whatever justifications we both come up with, the fact is we both still lost in the end, you know?


Of course there were decisions that didn't fare too badly, albeit long and hard ones like finally accepting and learning to truly treasure my family.

In truth, not all choices were bad, but the ones that were created tsunami effects enough to overlook the sunny days.. and its come to a point where I sense the need for a turning point. That if I refuse to seal off this road of discourse today, it will be too late tomorrow.

I've chased, in circles, after the things of the world this year. Flitting from one call to the other, heeding my own judgements and deductions, forsaking my Shepherd. I have listened occasionally, but distrusted Him in most. Worse, perhaps, forgetting Him, or even conveniently choosing to forget.


This, all these must change.

Why do I spill? Its to be a constant reminder as the site's last post, of the grievances of this year, hopefully so I do not repeat the mistakes of the past. Anyway, dear mindy's right.. the whole blog business is getting too centred on the personal self.

So there! From now on I've to stop brooding in the past, get up and discipline myself, and constantly walk in His will for me. And hard as it is, I think its crucial for me to make this decision to actively follow Him starting now, at this point in my life, between adolescence and before the troubles of adulthood.

Help me, Father! To be rested in You alone, for the rest of my life.


"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;
and all these things shall be added unto you."
Matthew 6.33