in response to the stupid song My Immortal.
what time cannot erase, i know God will.

i thought it was over. why apparently not? why why why why why why why why why.

why


at least its only the night when i step out from the whirlpool, exhausted.
julia julia julia. why did u have to point and smear the truth at my face.

i need something no one on earth can bring. i need God.

i hardly have any strength left to do homework that piles up against me.and i have a mount everest comparable.omg...h a. :/D
im so tired i can cry. wished i'd skipped school today like justina..YOU HEAR ME>


mindy had a headache today. evelyn had a headache. and i was fine. till now. and that stupid My Immortal is just so darn addictive ok. take my word. aRGGH. and the tune just makes me feel so sad OKAY. S-T-U-P-I-D me. dumbass me.


at aep we had like pig free time so i did this abstract thing that supposingly expresses how i feel. like. NOWADAYS. freaking NOWADAYS. but well no one could figure it out. so whatever.

wish i'll just faint during obs next week. which isnt very easy to accomplish.

meantime....? im so sososososososososo not supposed to say this. but someone come help kill me cleaner. really. i should just fling myself out there and kill myself(:


i cant find a single breathing soul on this earth who might actually understand without imposing judgement.
-either you understand, don't impose judgement. but don't bloody listen.
-or you understand and impose YOUR harsh judgement.
-or you don't even understand, and you want to carve your own bloody conclusions from me. go away ok.its not a question.

cant people just frigging stop judging.

im so sick of always listening to others because im about to crumble myself ok. im so tired of always being that supporting pillar for someone. i don't hold anything against anyone. but. im ready to burst with everything inside ok. its all tangled and black and bloody with all the misery and whatever that pushes you to the edge of your sanity like me now.

im feeling so DUMB now ok because im complaining like shit here about something i decide to do. but NONONONONONO. not one freaking freaking freaking soul

*screams*

faint. then maybe i'll wake up to a nicer dream.

julia says im hardened. and im surprised at the tone that came out from my mouth so unconsciously. so is it a good thing. or not. ? but i cant change it. so there. the end of my fairytale fantasy.

ha ha.

i really don't care now. that's not good right? lol/ it should be.

gee. my right shoulder hurts. with my right wrist that goes out of place every so often so i'l need to crack it back to place. i cant even raise my arm without feeling that sharp pain in my shoulder. i think i'll have to start training to be left handed.

ah. i need a third party between my mom and me. a family councillor or something. or else its only before long that i'll just burst one fine rainy day. she doesnt listen to me, and although i know im not a total angel i know ive tried my best to tolerate everything. but she just doesnt appreciate it. she doesnt get it. and her words are like. nevermind.


i know the problem, ive tried telling her and she doesnt listen. i should tape record what she says and take them to a psychiatrist. then maybe she'll listen.


ok i feel so stupid talking about family problems here. nevermind maybe if she cant stand me and my coldness and i cant stand her anymore i can tell her i need to live in the hostel. then i'll come back home only on saturdays! anyway its quite convinent cos its so near school.


i know im being so ___- but i cant stand it anymore. i cant stand a lot of things cant i;

my immortal
tell me this song is so hauntingly echoing.


I'm so tired of being here,
Suppressed by all my childish fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Because your presence still lingers here,
And it wont leave me alone...

These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...

When you'd cried i'd, wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream i'd, fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me,
By your resonating light.
Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams.
Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me.

These wounds wont seem to heal...
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you'd cried i'd, wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream i'd, fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though you're still with me...
I've been alone all along.

When you'd cried i'd, wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream i'd, fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.


im not trying to say anything...its just so hauntingly sad.


go listen..or ask me to send to you

we received this olevel instructional booklet today.


like. TODAY???!!! @#*%&*(!@ this is only like the NINTH WEEK of sec THREE. its not even a TERM.(yet) they want to stress us out i tell you. no wonder they've to put it to a cool slightly greenish blue. in case we get high blood pressure and die prematurely or something.


ohmy im very stressed ok. due to the absence of any form of time management on my part. geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


i realised i get sad when i keep to myself? so i shant. i shall keep talking to people instead. so i'll be hyper and happy and such and such.(:


today we watched 1/3 of Silence of the Lamb for film appreciation...and it is DAMN nice ok. the movie won 5 oscars and its a horror film :) (do not infer from the smiley face that i like horror films)

the plot's gruesomely captivating, and Anthony Hopkins is a DAMN good actor man. go watch the show..i mean he ROCKS. no wonder he got a best actor for that. on top of everything, it was the first movie where he acted as a villian (omgdness.-_- this word so ma fan ive got to go to the extend of checking the dictionary for it cos no one i asked knew the spelling.) and a supporting actor and he won BEST ACTOR!!@#$^!!!! thats why u see he rockks totally there ok. even though he's a little freaky.

he acted as a psychopath by the way. and it was SO realistic k. like he was BORN to be a psychopath. haha ok:D


didnt go ninjado today...have loads to do and the chinese test for zao ju tml which means i so freaking should NOT be here now.

BUT. ohwell(:

shirley's always gonna be shirley! so love it:D

[random]
aiyaaa this post had SO many mistakes i had to go edit all of them.-_="
[//random]

maybe one day i'll die and i won't even know it. and i'll die laughing still until the world shuts down and still i don't know.

such is the power of self illusion.

and i shall laugh and laugh all through my death. everyone can laugh with me(: but you don't have to die, its not compulsory. at your risk.


i don't know myself

Spiders along the edges
They weave with care
Their webs, when dust
Just moves them
To another there.

Dust
Grey powder of care less
Neglect with a pinch
Of ignorance where
Dust is blown just everywhere.

To which of webs they clinch.



haha...another puzzle:) guess!

"the world that i just cannot see;
the place that you will always be"


what more to say
i just don't see you, will never too.

and im pretending i don't care. i have more important things right? the song plays on like it was never interrupted.

after all, love is but a chemical reaction. my very own torture potion from myself, to myself.


just chemistry. i hate chemistry.

okay.

i know i cant possibly be stuck in this hole for eternity. oneday i'll have to start climbing out by the sides, and why not let Oneday be now?

yes.i shall start. no more letting the past affect the present.no pointt.

thus.
i shall-

*be more disciplined in doing quiet time and praying
|start taking effort to improve my darn chinese.
|attain a stable timetable.
|fit art, maths and dance outside lessons to my schedule.don't say im crazy.i mean it.
|be nice to people
|start getting attached to my class and people
|overrule procrastination
|start piecing up my wardrobe REASONABLY


yea.
today went shoppping with jolyn! k.and it was a simmery starry time. except for some time in the middle when it rained and we got soggy.yes she's a dear.. (: i cant even start to imagine what will happen after olevels if we go to different schools... where am i to be without her/

:)

realised i should pretty well be happy about my family i guess. i don't want to complain about it anymore; there's worst out there. and no more sorrowing about anything. rubbish of the world. i shall be naive no more.
or at least try.


*
no i don't want to be caught swimming with a crying heart
cos then i'll need a life saver

and i really don't want one.

*

someone asked today: "Why do you not hand up your homework?"

good question.


maybe its just out of pure laziness, and my habit of procrastination that i cant seem to overcome. not yet at least. maybe its because of this major habit of doing things so slowly they never get done, maybe its just that irrtating instinct to do everything late im sure many know.

after all, i still rush like some person gone crazy every morning before school.and my challenge would be to reach school before im late. and if i reach school early with no particular stress or whatsoever i feel uneasy..like something's dreadfully missing from my life. seriously, and its freaky.

maybe its all that.


but ive realised, so long before, that sometimes im just afraid to start because,well, im afraid it wouldnt turn out good enough and i'll be so sorely disappointed in myself. ever since primary school, and it's worst with subjects that i take pride in. art, for instance.i never dare to touch it beforehand. my mantality'll be: wait till another day, and i'll be able to do it better.

ironically, though, that it was non but my dad who first brought it up. and he has remained that only one. i still remember, that line so many years ago..

"You know you don't have to do till its perfectly right you know.."


at that time i refused to believe in it, dismissed it as rubbish; but sometimes its so starkingly true. i'll never forget that line that spoke of one thing, but meant a thousand more.

haha.

and it was someone so unexpected that brought up the point of being a perfectionist. another i thought never did understood me. maybe because its those that don't get distracted by my normal scope of work that get the cleanest picture. is it true?

but then again, with tricia's msn nickname: Its not the choices you made, but what you make of that choice.

and so for this;
its not what you have, its what you do with what you have. yea..haha and its easier to just spit stuff out compared to actually doing.


well ive to live with it i suppose. and make the best of it. shouldnt run away from it i suppose? but face up to the challenge. and maybe turn out to be like some over ambitious people- which isn't all a bad thing actually. they are perfectionists, and they have strong, unbendable will. i can try to be like them! :D nothing's impossible.i GUESS.



*seeker of perfection

today i gave out chocolate cakes to my loves in sch!

haha nah valentine's wasnt really very beautiful and memorable and everything...but jolyn's letter was heartfelt, it was really touching...although it might be rushed and written after i gave her what i gave, but it was sincere and ha, just lovely.

i'll always treasure it(:

and dearest zijing's letter made me laugh...lemme type what she wrote:

"SHIRLEY LEE! happy valentine's day o6. hurry go get bf den don't need to be sending girls presents le! must start having sense of urgency and decide for yourself! almost 15 already bit old liao hor:D always be yourself and be happy always:D:D:D

Love, Prince"


like, LOL what the hell..haha. and well these two letters were so heartwarming k. they made my valentine.


today's my blackk valentine

today i gave out chocolate cakes to my loves in sch!

haha nah valentine's wasnt really very beautiful and memorable and everything...but jolyn's letter was heartfelt, it was really touching...although it might be rushed and written after i gave her what i gave, but it was sincere and ha, just lovely.

i'll always treasure it(:

and dearest zijing's letter made me laugh...lemme type what she wrote:

"SHIRLEY LEE! happy valentine's day o6. hurry go get bf den don't need to be sending girls presents le! must start having sense of urgency and decide for yourself! almost 15 already bit old liao hor:D always be yourself and be happy always:D:D:D

Love, Prince"


like, LOL what the hell..haha. and well these two letters were so heartwarming k. they made my valentine.


today's my blackk valentine

(:

I SURVIVED TODAY(:

it was SO stressed ok. evelyn was freaking out with me. and at a point of time we got so stressed we were doing stupid stuff. (:


i went out to get valentine's stuff for all my little loves in sch! :) lol...i foresee ive to stay up late tonight preparing everything after hw already..AND ive to wake up early TOMORROW MORNING to get ready the stuff too..

ahh ive to finish hw soon before that though..

i'll talk all about my loves and what happened tomorrow after sch! and its cool cos i was kinda pissed with someone but its ok now. not so sickening after all.


so saddd those not near my sch cant get the stuff..(secret:D)
aiyo. but u'll get cards!(: so that you'll know i havent forgotten!


for now, ive to blog less and work more.
chills for tomorrow's valentine's!

-or should i say *warmth. haha ok that was lame :D

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh


i am so STRESSED and so STRESSEDSTRESSEDSTRESSED my blood veins are ready to pop with the high blood pressure thing.

AHHHHH.

DAMNIT im SOSOSO dead. geez; SO DEAD OK.

HOW TO SURVIVE TOMORROW?????????????? there's a maths and chemistry test and i havent studied): like HELLOOO MATHSS and SCI; something which i seriously totally suck in.

BUT. here's the nice part(:
:: i cant study for it! cos im doing my aep visual diary rubbish supposingly to collect ideas so that we can like, design a table and chair. hurray.

damnit la damnit i don't WORK THAT WAY. i am spontaneous. ok. however u spell that word and this just about kills every on the spot inspiration i may have for some table design. SCROWL.

and NOW im doing this art history rubbish you know. ok la i mean its just plainish rubbish.

ok ive to quit complaining.lets see what comes next.

THENN. i have to do a compo and compre! in CHINESE. someone help me. like seriously. omgddddness. and tml is like so the last day to hand in. i mean, yea believe me.

im ignoring that CHINESE sia that was due last friday too ok.

THEN after that i can study my chem and maths.


goodness me and everything else.
i need a miracle to save me.

hmm.

ah after yesterday i shall thus blog about something not so sad ya know/

yes. GEEZ u know today i fell aslp on the bus on the way back home from church and missed my stop. so cool rite. so walked all the way to beauty world and bought stuff :D and after that i had to take another bus home again.


WELL. i bought myself a present!! yay..(: maybe we call it my valentine gift to myself! cos no one will give me on that day so might as well do iy ourself:)

its a book ive been eyeing for quite long! and on feb 14th while others may be cuddling in the arms of their loved ones i'll be cuddling with my dear book with a cup of hot milo(:

ohwell. the imagination of the writer'll keep me alive for that night.


crap it.my dad just had to scream at me again.
cos im selfish, 15, and do NOTHING for the family.only caring for my own self all the freaking time.

i wished i lived in a hostel.

who wants to know the truth.

after the previous post. i re read everything and face myself up with this age old dilema. i just sound so fake ok.

whatever that's on this is just information sieved. every entry. every single one. non would be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, none of the blatant truth. some would just be half covered. the other no one would know.

sickening, isnt it. i feel so too.

as of now..everything's just so different. maybe its a part of the many things im thinking, but things are sieved.

just like the previous entry. one reason why i resent them so much is just because of the bold plain truth that in many ways i envy them. when..


haha just darn. darn them.
but i cant say anything,its just no,not possible for me. ive never been totally totally open before. not in my whole entire life. before i came to secondary school when i had to be enthu and a little bundle of energy too. all along with the insecurity that if i don't keep it up, i won't HAVE friends. i was the only one there you see.

it wasnt that hard then? but now im tired of all that and this year im just quiet in class. so different from the past two years. maybe calmer, but not infront of ppl ive known for the past years tho. to them i still feel obliged. more then obliged sometimes. maybe i am like that? just that im too unstable now that ive to act it out. maybe when oneday everything gets carried away by God. then i'll know.

am i really that calm? maybe there is just a torrent of emotions just behind the letters of each word that no one will know. i know how people think too well. and that really sucks, cos it just helps you to cover more up. realistic mindy, im too realistic. stick to your polished one mindy.

oneday again maybe i'll burst. i know freaking well how some people will judge me,but i don't want to care already. just this once. or maybe i should just go back to days where i'll ignore everything sorrowful and concentrate so hard on those happy things. block everything else out. but its a temporary solution i of all people know the best.

maybe one day i'll go back to the One who still knows best; because i know no one on earth will understand the full extent of hurt inside. or maybe its just a small stupid problem compared to someone else's..but at least i know to God it matters.
ah/

all this..
maybe im being delusional too.

the most dangerous of all people are those that are delusional.

when some people talk like they're so deep and strong to keep back everything. they don't know the reality out there. they don't know there's those worst off then them, and they don't even breathe a word.

they don't know.cos its only them that's the strong yet silent ones. yet everything splatters on their blogs.



darn.
im just plain mean.

i understand they do really feel that way i guess. those horrid feelings..and that's why they're spilling it all on their blogs. and destroying themselves too. so so unecessarily.

sometimes misery you impose on yourself is just plain unecessary.

stop doing that. stop believing satan's lies. although it's impossible without God..return to Him..at least WANT a breakthrough, and UNDERSTAND you really need help. and Him, above everything else..

when will you be ready, i'll ask.

and someday is the reply.
unknown, but surely.


delusional. they hurt both themselves and those around them. and most probably the worst thing is that they don't realise just what they are doing. it'll never get clear...unless God explains. THAT, ahhh is a different matter. He is enlightening. when complication is just wiped with a smack of truths. and you go, omgdness its just SO simple.

and all that complication is just satan's lies.


____________________________________
and before that,
i guess i'll just keep asking.

if you detach yourself from sorrow you'll have more space in your heart to experience joy.yea :)

today's ninjado...lol its a nice feeling to have muscle aches. im growing fat already, all that new year steamboat stuff hasnt wore off like i thought it SOMEHOW would (illusional me--"). and i thought i drank more soup than the meat and all. apparently not -_-. well i just got to burn it all off. Somehow. :D

its still so nice to be walking back from ninjado, with my butt aching :D (means fat burnt!) and relishing all the happy sweet moments of that road- no regrets!, that gentle breeze that softly blows in my face and the feeling of just that empty road with no passing cars, only occasionally so. that feeling that you're floating in your own consciencness...with the serenity is just wonderful. solitude from the hectic hell we're all in.. just now many chances do we get to do that? (: that's why i like to be alone stimes(:

and walking to my block in the condo i passed benches..and imagine the peacefulness just sitting there talking with your loved one on the other side of the phone. at night. with just the darkness, you, and your beloved:)


back home! by golly the blissfulness of dinner! esp when you're hungry after a wonderful workout you know you deserve it, and even the plainest of dinners becomes so much more wonderful, how it melts in your mouth like sweetness in your heart..haha. food- it is a luxury of life.. enjoy it with a smile:)
or two..it wouldn't kill
(:(:

my shampoo rocks, Herbal Essences- rose hips, dafollio(how to spell...), chamomile. its ROCKS ok. it smells wonderful. with Shokobutsu's soap..lol you come out smelling like heaven.

and after this entry i know im so thankful i'll be studying a play for a test tomorrow, instead of maths:D well i love plays..and it'll be so much to enjoy...

:)


if you'll just detach sorrows in your heart and leave it where its unseen...dear you'll find so much joy its hard to even catch up

praise the Lord, for He brings joy:) on top of all the soft felt cream of love <3 (:


chill;
oh and smile
*and maybe if i see it i'll fall in love with it* haha...(:

i found something i photocopied last year in the school library. while talking to someone on the phone.if you've wondered what it was, here it is.

psychology.and more then that.

i don't know the book, didnt take it down, and all i know is that it's the chapter 3 of the whole depressing book.and yes, this book's from our school library.

enjoy, its all quite interesting really.

##

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse may be a less concrete concept than physical abuse, but its effects are clearly visible in the emotionally abused child's behaviour. Name calling and cruel remarks, threats, reminders of past offenses to humilate the young person, and attempts to instill guilt in the child are all facets of emotional abuse. Parents who behave this way produce a child who feels worthless and inadequate. At times, these children may develop a devastating feeling of hopelessness. In some instances, where there was no intervention, these children have even taken their own lives.

Children from emotionally abusive homes may develop various ways of coping in order to survive. For example, they are often unusally wary of the adults around them. They may pay a great deal of attention to the mood changes and the facial expression and body language of the grown-ups in charge of their lives.

By attempting to remain in tune with their parents,they hope to avoid angering or annoying them, and thereby to avoid subsequent humiliation and punishment. Numerous psychotherapists have noted the changeable nature of emotionally abused children's personalities and the way their behaviour shifts with the needs of the moment.

Another consequence of emotional abuse is that these children may tend to inhibit or limit their own goals and activities. They do this to avoid being ridiculed. If a child's words and deeds have made him the object of humiliation, he may find it safer to simply keep quiet and do as little as possible.

Rather than do something "wrong", such young people tend to be more comfortable "playing dumb". It is not uncommon for their teachers to be amazed by how high these children score on achievement tests, because they have been so careful to hide their abilities in class.

However, not all emotionally abusive children react to their environment in the same manner. There are other negative consequences of emotional abuse. Dr. Alayne Yates, a psychiatrist at the University of Arizona College of Medicine in Tucson, studied fifty emotionally abused children over a six-year period. Yates determined from her research that these children generally fell into three distinct categories.

The first group were the destructive children. These children demostrated a great deal of anger and frequently destroyed property or injured people and small animals, with little signs of remorse. They appeared to have poor control over their impulses.

Yates referred to the second and largest group of emotionally abused young children as the frightened children. These children appeared frightened and tried to avoid contact with people. Although they were considerably easier to get along with than the destructive children, they frequently exhibited negative behaviour as well. Many of these children stole or lied compulsively. To please the adult in charge, they would agree to do nearly anything asked of them, only to turn around and do the opposite.

Yate's third group of emotionally abused children were the private children. The private children had an uncanny knack of adapting their behaviour to meet the demands of others. Although these children learned to be outstanding people pleasers, they were unable to develop real attachments to others. Some did not even cling to a favourite object such as a doll or a teddy bear. Some such children appeared particularly bright and attractive to adults. However, their desire to please was usually grounded in fear of being hurt or humiliated, rather then in expectation of praise of pleasure in accomplishment.

Private children tend to adapt to difficult situations with ease. On the surface there seems to be nothing wrong with them. However, the absence of troublesome behaviour doesn't erase their feelings of emptiness and anger at having spent their young lives pleasing others. Often the rage remains tightly bottled inside them for years, only to explode under stressful circumstances in adulthood.

Another study was conducted by Ronald P. Kohler, Ph.D., a professor of anthropology at the University of Connecticut, and Evelyn C. Bettauer, Ph.D., a psychologist at at the Sheldon Child Guidance Clinic in New Britain, Connecticut. It revealed that some rejected children tend to become clingy and possessive. It seems that if the child's needs for affection and warmth are initially unmet, he increases his efforts to win love by becoming extremely dependent.

However, this was found to be true only up to a point. If the child still isn't able to win his parents over, this reponse stops. As a result, many rejected children grow into adulthood unable to give love, because they never received it as young people. They don't have the necessary models on which to pattern their behaviour.

Additionally, despite the fact that rejected children still crave love, after a time they don't know how to accept it. Rejected children are often unable to develop deep and satisfying relationships with others. They may tend to withdraw ever deeper into themselves.

As these children become adults, they may still feel an overwhelming need for affection. However, they are often unable to return affection after years of protecting themselves from unpleasant personal relationships. When they become parents, they may tend to reject their children as they were rejected, because that's all they know. As a result the unhealthy cycle is perpetuated.

There are many different types of emotionally abusive familes. Some are very poor, whereas other are exceptionally affluent. Emotionally abusive parents are found among the unemployed as well as among people in highly prestigious jobs. Emotionally abusive parents may be married or single. The one unfortunate trait these parents all share is that they either willfully or unknowingly crush and destroy their children's joy in living.



##

interesting isn't it.if you've managed to read this far.well i know some people would/ people like me

words can kill, dear people. be nicer to your children next time.

HA

i hate my mom. i hate her i hate her i hate her.im not supposed to.but.i cant stand it.

i really really really cannot stand it.


ive a headache in the morning.
i didnt want to go to school.

BECAUSE when my sister heard me as 'i have a stomachache and didnt want to go to school' and so cutely reported back to my mom now she thinks im skipping school just cause i DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL and HAVENT FINISHED MY HOMEWORK. which she has absolutely no FREAKING evidence of. let me tell you cause she THINKS im like that to her it MEANS im like that.

now she doesnt want to sign the excuse letter, and she doesnt ALLOW my dad to sign it too. UNREASONABLE. i don't want to say anything else.


when i tell her its really cause i have a headache and i WON'T BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE IN CLASS you know what beautiful reason she told me?

"OUR FAMILY DOESNT HAVE THIS RULE OF NOT DOING WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO JUST BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID SMALL AILENT."

HA. not like i don't know my own condition ok i WON'T be able to concentrate in class AT ALL at my state then then probably go to the sick bay again.then.WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE.


my dear mother understands me so, so much. she refuses to sign that, leaving me with NO living route or whatsoever again.AGAIN. ha.

lovely.just lovely.

and when i act as if her spiteful words arent affecting me she says how can someone CHANGE SO MUCH???? and that im like lai4 si3. hopeless. good for nothing. and WHATEVER i do is just plain DUMB and ok. pls i was scolded just because of the way i took out this piece of salmon during dinner. i didnt SPILL ANYTHING OK. its just cos the way i took it out LOOKED VERY SIAN. and because i put my leg on another chair for comfort purposes PLUS the DUMB way i took out that salmon im turning to uselessly GANGSTERISH.

someone who has a TERRIBLE BEYOND HOPE ATTITUDE PROBLEM, DOESNT CARE ABOUT HER FUTURE, UNCULTURED, ALWAYS SKIPS SCHOOL. she treats me like plain shit la ok. oh, as im typing now she's throwing my stuff around in my room.like. im not exaggerating. she's THROWING MY STUFF AROUND cos its messy to her. and my room probably has LOTS and LOTS of bacteria and germs. im turning to a unhygienic person too.yay! cos don't even BOTHER practising basic hygiene.she tells me that EVERYDAY. that im shit. that's what lai4 si3 is, isnt it?


oh, she tells my dad: can you go inside the room to watch tv? we cant let THAT PERSON occupy TWO ROOMS u know. (did i forget to mention it was sarcastically spiteful)
im not the only one.

to my younger brother, she says:
Come, ask your daddy see. Come, because he doesnt know ANYTHING.

i didnt do ANYTHING TO ANYONE ok.its ok she doesnt understand im trying to struggle with this sudden loss,something that happened just yesterday.that its so hard when i cant even THINK of it or it'll be too hard to swallow. ITS OK SHE DOESNT KNOW. BUT SHE DOESNT HAVE TO MAKE MY LIFE HELL.

its ok she freezed my phone because she thinks ive got an attitude problem and she can gloat to me after that that i don't have to think i control everything. AND I DON'T THINK THAT WAY BTW.
i just pretend what she says doesnt affect me because they cut a lot, esp when you hear them everyday and this is what i get.more knives thrown at me, because im turning ignorant and cold and STUBBORN.

and when i can't STAND EVERYTHING ANYMORE i say sth back,and the next moment we're fighting.

I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE.

this is hell.

i hate her hate her hate her to bits.

i don't know...
am i avoiding it?
it doesnt feel very bad or anything you know.and its SORTA supposed to.u get what i mean?

yess.maybe cos there's more good than bad in it!(: yea.


the winds are like so cold nowadays?and rather strong too..drafts.and i keep hearing wind chimes in the distance.which is very beautiful you know...there's this hollow call to it i don't get.

ohwell:)

my com's getting nuts.everything i open its illigal and thus must be shut down.how am i suppose to find entertainment like that someone tell me.or maybe i should just, you know, spend more time on my qt instead of wasting time online.

ive returned,,thankfully.so thankfully so.in God's own miracle way yes.:)
and its an answered prayer i just realised...of saturday when michelle gave us time to talk to God alone..
yea(: its so happy to be walking towards God again, after so long of straying away.


oh gee there's still that aep visual diary to do..and im quite dead. nvm. after this.


realised with mindy that i have no idea what i really am..sometimes im like this attitude with one person, another with others and its just so...different to different people. i think in a way i find myself bending to the expectations of those that i talk to, except with people im closer to, and when i get provoked :D

well.
ive to rush my aep already.

but i know for sure its not affecting me greatly(: because God is right beside me.(im not talking abt my art- art's killing me)


[random]
IVE TO STOP SAYING WHAT THE HELL.geez.
[/random]

its me in the night after an end.


and im more relieved than sad now i think.ha i certainly hope it's not one of those lying to myself rubbish again.well after a few days i'll know for sure.

and i know that partly(or actually a VERY big part) im not feeling the pain of a lost and im not crying -not like i do easily but WELL its sorta expected- is cause i know there's God there.


and i think back of what we sorta touched on today, that God sometimes takes things away because He wants us to go back to him, or test our faith. or in this case, raise more faith in Him.


now i understand. darn i should have more faith/

well its ok.its still ok, for now. God will fill that empty space.
darn insecurity.

a splash of gold on black
ive long given up on rubbing it out, now i cover it
and i see only black

no more earthly colours; only heavenly.
because, only heavenly colours can breathe life onto black, fill it with another colour non existent in this world.

but when i lift the cover long after; would it again be gold on black?


maybe then;
i really admire parents-
they never give up on their children even if the love of their lives are hurting them so much. still loving them.


such is the power of love/


____________________________________


today in the middle of recess i receive aletheia's christmas card!:)
ha jaime la...

and its so nice to receive a card telling how much someone has appreciated you when you're feeling so tired. and lonely.

ha..
but i cant want to dwell on anything else it'll drain my emotional strength.or whatever that's left of it.and i need it to sustain me physically.mentally too.


what does school do really? or maybe
ah forget it.


this christmas card, it was right on time.

its nice when someone writes you a song! its sweet..and maybe in your darkest moments you can take it out and have at least a solid evidence that someone out there cares for you.

solid, yet not really.. haha. if only songs came in the solid state.

ohwell:D

today justina and i went to kaps to talk!
it was really nice..she's like a Godsent light to my life now. its helps ok.she helped me cleared up this big tangle in my life.

my life's messed.so gotta clear it up.

now did i say this before...?
dang.songs.poems.what nots~

these are nice ways of expression u think so?-(gee i sound like my dear chem tr)
now ive got this really bad habit of writing poems before i sleep..so i can sleep :D its nice no matter what i guess..

doesnt matter if it's horrible sounding or not, out of tune or not...its the effort that counts.

ha im too sentimental..
overly so~

right justina? -haha damn she's a God-sent