What does it take to stand up after a fall?

To get back on track, to swerve back to the right path from the road where the traffic was coming your way.

Today God, very purposefully I would think, showed me my options. And in doing so gave me the freedom to choose. I think I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice, again, as those years back.


Maybe I should stop thinking, and just continue doing.
If God puts me through this, he will sustain me

# "Stand right there!
...I decided to choose the misery of loving you to the tears of losing you.

Even if the end means hell, let's go togther."


# "Are you confident you won't regret it? That you won't resent me?
(moves closer)
Are you confident enough of waiting for me?

I'm...
I'm a bad person."

# "I know.
I know what a bad person you are. (Sobbing now) I know I know I know."
(falls crying into his arms, and they embrace, crying together in the rain.
There is a suggestion that she accepts to wait for him.)



Korean dramas are a serious source of fabricated love lies.

Today went out for dinner with devon, a last minute plan (: yay I am happy (: we should go out more! and go out EARLIER so we can do more stuff before your curfew man!

We got an octopus each for our commemerative gift xD

but I lost my red pouch. again. well I just hope its in good use for someone else now (:



I suddenly had a random thought! Wondering how jolyn is now.. I forgot her blog add? And she never comes online anymore.



And I've decided that I'll need to start to limit my come-online time. Start a limiting system where 3 hours of solid work = 1 hour of come-online-for-rubbish time. It'll be a personal challenge. Starting tomorrow.

Promos are in 8? 7? weeks time. It's a little unnerving. Starting next week I'll force myself to stay in school till 9 everyday to study PROPERLY before I go home where all hell breaks lose and I go nuts and lazy enough to get distracted by every single rubbish invention like the internet, television, everything. You name it, the Lee Household's got it.

This coming weekend I need to work really hard! Catch up econs, math, plan revision (: and start speaking to God. Lofty plans for a lifestyle revamp, but I'll really try hard.



I think I'm happy today. There is.. enough to be happy and thankful about. Enough to be optimistic about, enough to hope and smile about.
But I really wished I could give you a ferrero! Before I let you go, haha. To thank you for the times you made me laugh.

Yup, despite everything else, there is enough.

Two enlightenments in two days. Must be God.

YESTERDAY

At the Synergy Arts Exhibition where the Gold and Gold with Honour awardees' works were presented, I had the good fortune to be able to tag along the GOH to listen to the artists talk about their works as the VIP party moved around.

One especially spoke to me, when we talked to him later. Ruben, currently at Laselle. I think what touched me when he presented about his work was the sincerity of his works' intention. Not to impress, like many of the huge paintings and pieces that won top prizes; but to express what is truly inside and not being afraid of what comes out in the end. To not be bound by expectations of what the work is "supposed" to be, and just be liberated in the expression.

There was something I saw in his works after he presented, like he left a piece of himself in them, however small they seemed in comparison to the overwhelmingly big paintings. Its...different, from the mere physical reflection of yourself in the painting - that may not necessarily mean a part of what is intrinsic is reflected.

It spoke to me, shone a guiding star to the possibility of light while I was, since this year, so darkly disillusioned about art.

Of course, there were technical marvels as well, many boundaries broken, many concepts, painting skills and compositions admired.

Yes. Invaluable.



TODAY

Its always quite... enlightening to talk to someone standing on a different platform from you. He always stands from another perspective, sometimes sees things clearer than you ever possibly can.

I am thankful today that such a perspective from a friend was revealed to me. God showed me the root of the problem, why I had that little uncomfortable feeling inside since the beginning and it is really. quite. horrifying. to know the truth. To see that what seemed pure and alright was actually a little twisted, a little tainted, right at the start.

And now, I know I'll have to start from a clean slate from all over again, and the ending might just not be what I had always expected and wanted it to be.


Still, I thank God for the revelation. And surrender this into His hands.

I feel inadequate sometimes, overwhelmed by expectations I press on myself, I think. Trying hard to be someone else, I think. Until I don't really know for sure.

Hmm. Maybe this will in time define me at last, always shifting, changing according to..?


Sometimes, I think too darkly at night (pun unintended). There's always this cloud of gloominess that sets in, (perhaps out of fatigue, perhaps out of exhaustion in unnaturally leaning towards the cheery) that draws me to slightly (to put it mildly) negative perspectives.

Coloured perspectives? Maybe I shouldn't rattle on at night.

But I have to record down the wisps of... a thought before it gets lost in the cloaks of slumber.

-Is it time? I think I can only hope you are more in tune with His will than me, to lead us not into another tragedy

-Am I running away? Is it out of understandable fear? Or should I break out, in the name of conquering my paranoia

-Is this baseless? Without a true nor strong foundation, that it will inevitably fall?

-Am I simply impatient for answers I can cannot get

-Is this a worthless pursue, merely a waste of my time, a distraction



"Praise You In This Storm" is a beautiful song by Casting Crowns, but I find myself drawn only to this one line:
Once again, I said amen, and its still raining

and I always wonder when I can sing the rest

In a search for an inspiring quote:

"A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value...More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value

...any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with."

-Hitchhiker's guide to the universe
laughs


Today was so saccharine sweet and happy in such a cystalline, incorrupt way I thought was long lost to me.

God opened my eyes today (after a bout of unnecessarily prolonged depressed/stressed stage) to the many people around me who are just wonderful. Am thankful! And contented.

I think prayers really help! (:

Have loads to do and sometimes the one shackle I can't undo seems to be my own self. The disgusting procrastination a nonexistance of discipline incorrigible time management. T,T

Its a tad discouraging.

But mindy once told me that faith is not faith if you believe for a logical reasoning / possibility, so I shall pray and have faith that God will send SOMEONE to help my dire straits.


Hahaha.
I have never had a more beautiful day on paper than this crayon coloured piece

There's been more than the occasional nudge this week, and of late.

The nudges, little reminders, little pushes - to look beyond. Beyond this little sandcastle wall of myself I have invested my thoughts, perspectives and efforts on, trying to figure its intricacies that, although not altogether inconsequential, is no longer..enough.

It has contrained my mind too long, narrowed my horizon to a hand's width, rendered my views out of touch with the world - in short, it has shackled my growth as an individual.

I do not deny the benefits of introspection. All are human afterall, to some extent the same emotional creatures, and here it sometimes allows a tracing of the same emotions of others from your experiences. You recognise it, sometimes can even accurately anticipate it.

It is bitterly ironic how I realise only now an obsession (gone too far) with one's inner self would in turn hinder your own growth; that being intune with yourself will somehow stagnant devlopment, it is the outside world that accelerates.

World issues, larger ideas, contrasts, conflicts, politics. How the world runs. Is growth only possible with the understanding of and intellectual connection with these? (This is yet another question to be left for discussion sometime else)

What I am grateful for is the opportunity, of late, to be enlightened of greater things than what I usually dwell in. A bigger world outside my little childish circle drawn in the sand which is, regretfully, destined to one day be completely washed -by the waves. I am thankful for the realisation that not only do I have to step out of the circle, I need to be with the waves, be part of the change.

Many things have led me to realise the possibility of change. Many things once impossible seem to now have vague routes leading to them. There seems to be hope. It even goes beyond the misty definition of "seems to", it takes definate shape of a "there is".

For once in the longest time I am excited, the mindless slumber that has been, like sludge, be plastered on my mind has finally awaken in preparation of leave. Just over the horizon lies the possiblity of a more interesting exploration.

My dulled mind stirs.

I regret to say this is so freaking true

I've been having a problem letting go of something I probably should, of late.

So today, God showed me.
He showed me my emotional immaturity, in the form of lack of resilience, oversensitivity, probably unreinability (if there's such a word) and perhaps the most jarring of all, vunerability.
Cliche, yes, but true nonetheless.

Its not a crime to suffer from one nor all of the above, but if even the slightest shock would trigger off a set of adverse symptoms-(namely an uncontrollable replay of a certain time frame from a certain minute to a certain second; warped, unhealthy mindsets; high-walled defensiveness)-then I would suggest to myself, that for the better good of this young lady she should stop and sidestep to the right and lighted path.

Of course this sidestep would be more aptly described as a quantum leap (if self-attempted) - fairly impossible and almost doomed to the ranks of failures. It is here that I need the unwavering focus on God, the need for his strength, comfort, and wisdom. And love.


Goodness (random: I've found myself starting sentences with this word too many a time of late) this seems overwhelming. And past experiences are pointing to a cursed continued failure of THIS ONE. But God is not a God of the past. so. I'm putting my trust in him!


Ah so there would be my analytical, not so impulsive part of my brain speaking. But if I could just sum it all in one hot-blooded sentence, it would go along the lines of:

today, you made me want to give you up

I always find myself pondering on my life, when I am faced with this white space. It, as always, invitingly suggests me to mindlessly dance my fingers faster than I can sort out my thoughts, to type junk. But I shan't. Try not to, anyway.

Service today was...interesting. Hard words, heartfelt sharings, choices faced, decisions to make. Hosanna! Many praises to God, salvation to come. Conviction? Only time will reveal, but which only God solidifies.

Friday was special, too. Grudgingly forced into playing soccer for PE, but it was..gratifying. I miss the rush of adrenaline, and perhaps I understand a little of the fanatism behind it. Haha. The game is pointless in itself, but the bonding, the laughs, the tension, and the reach for victory -the simplification of it into a score- is priceless.

It is life, only simplier, with clear allies and foes. Clear cut, pure, with no time and space for backstabbing and the dramatic flowery whatnots of the work/school place. I could learn to love it.


Then, supporting our team for nationals! Our representatives did superbly well, so proud of them (: but overall it came personally pinched with regret. That I gave up a love for... a satisfying journey yes, but. Still a painful sacrifice that I was sorely reminded of at the nationals.

Now I've to slowly climb back up from where I've slided to, which is more demoralizing then it seems, but I'm going to perservere. Its like needing to learn how to walk all over again when you used to be able to run; but for the love of the air sweeping by my ears, here goes.

you're placing a safe bet while I'm gambling my life


so here, I'm giving it up