connection's been down these last few days, which i highly doubt has anything to do with the earthquake than someone from my family convieniently fiddling with the internet connection settings..

anyways. im glad, though. after all the feelings of being "cut away from society", i finally got over it and realised how much of my life i actually waste coming online. -_-


the year's coming to an end..and this year has been somewhat of a tough year.

ive regretted quite a bit. my complacency and inconsistency in quiet time that just totally stunted my spiritual growth and all the times i could have utilized to build my relationship with my dad. the times i tried so hard to be someone else, the times i feared getting hurt so much i just keep myself shut and walled up, and the time i compromised on my moral stand in the peak of my insecurity.

and of course there's the procrastination over the year, this biggie problem of mine that'll need a miracle to cure, seriously.

i suppose these habits and lies don't just disappear overnight, but it makes them so much harder that ive been running away from God for so long.
so i pray that for the new year i'll have an intimate relationship with God- that he'll take care of my growth, and that i'll be with him every step of the way, so that as he moulds me he'll use me to fulfill his destiny for me.

and although there are so many issues that seem so big to me, its ok cos i know he's there with us at every crossroad of life always in control of everything..that his strength is made perfect in weakness.
and knowing that, i can sleep more peacefully at night.

im thankful for his providence of jolyn, a dear sister in christ, so that we can encourage and keep each other in check next year, plus so many other really really close friends :) esp mindy!

through the days of no internet access i also realised that the people who mean the most to me are all around me at almost anything i need them, and that i didn't have to go online to fill this empty void. so im really thankful too.. it was the best christmas gift i could ever get :)


so although there were so many mistakes and "noooo..."s in 2006 im thankful that God's always there to help me up, and knowing that -i won't have anything to fear in the coming year, because "fear, is not of God".


<3,
and have a blessed new year:)

cheesecake and chocolate in the wee hours of the morning?
there's something wrong. which is why i sit here slumped infront of the flashing scrren, tired but sleepless. i can't bear to go to sleep.

CAN'T SCRAP IT OFF MY MIND.

im not trying to sound emo here. but okay i noticed i just did.
urgh, just let me slip by tomorrow.

there's always something different about a natural breeze and a mere air-con breeze. how the wind came from a million miles somewhere else to blow through your hair, and you know the air-con is just processed air.

there's something different about how the rain came from a thousand miles above to splash on your cheeks, while the water from the shower's just controlled by a flick of a switch.

coming home at a forbidden time that you decide..
sweet, is the taste of freedom.


and lonely, too.

didn't go to the beach today, jolyn was tired :(
but i suppose its better if she stayed at home and rested for her carolling later. ohwells.

jolyn xanga-locked her blog, and mindy's blog is gone. as with a few others. so weird, feels like people are just dying from cyberspace. in digital cemeteries or something.

=

overboard's the word.
and you, baby, went overboard today. went too far you fell over the side railing. and well if you keep assuming im who you think i am then im not really bothering to make the effort and change your mind.

im not gonna say "im not so sure anymore" cos maybe i wasn't even sure in the first place. so that leaves the current situation at..?



okay i hate being so defensive, and im not going to give excuses to justify it.
but yea, maybe i don't know you. jumped into the pool before checking the depth. didnt even glanced, and now i don't know what i got myself into.


ok im making it sound damn bad. -_-
must lighten atmosphere a bit.

sigh, all the same. perhaps its my fault too.
what nicole said, issues and strong emotions from the past i haven't let go that surface when provoked and you think its from the present situation. which, come to think of it, is quite accurate. :(

nicole's a great sister in christ to talk to.
kind, understanding, gentle, a great listener, comforting, and now i sound like her advertisement. xD


gee. i think i digress easily. but yea. i don't know what to make out of today, but at least thank God my smile isn't that forced now.
tired.

yesterday was cool, spent the morning doing homework with mindy! at jurong east :) and wasted the afternoon with her in the library talking about jc and the feminist issue XD

and now she's turning radical baby!
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH RONAN KEATING. or maybe just his voice, yea?

To Be Loved

The song of a little bird
The joy in three little words
I know it's real
That's how it feels
To be loved by you
The stars from a midnight sky
The melody from a lullaby
There's nothing real
That I wouldn't steal
To be loved by you

[Chorus]
To be loved by you
If everybody knows
It's only 'cause it shows

A smile to put you on a high
A kiss that sets your soul alight
Would it be all right if I spent tonight
Being loved by you

[Chorus]

Your love is released
And you move me with ease
And you rescue me time after time
Oh Oh you give your all
And you take it all in your stride

Oh with all the power of a symphony
That's how my heart beats when you're holding me
I can't conceal, this is how it feels
To be loved by you
Oh yeah, to be loved by you
If everybody knows, it's only 'cause it shows
Because I take your love, Everywhere I go

I know what it is I need, it's clear as a shallow stream
It's as it seems, my only dreams
To be loved by you

*

IM IN LOVE WITH THAT SONG! he sang "When you say nothing at all" too :)

awwww sheesh. someone sings as nicely as that to me i'll marry him.
haha

BEAMS. i think i love slow songs. :))


and the evening was dinner and the christmas muscial with julia, yitong, sujah, alfred, jia chong (i think) and alvin!
watched the musical for the third time, and everytime you just experience something different. yea..far from boring :)

eeks. i just clicked publish without finishing.


yup. and the songs and voices were heavenly! and im thankful God's taught me something through all those musicals too.

haha k. wee tomorrow's packed full day again!! oh and my cousin's over :)

taken from TMS' official website.

*
Monday, 27 November, 2006

BEING VUNERABLE

First off, the definition:

Main Entry: vul-ner-a-ble
Pronunciation: 'v&l-n(&-)r&-b&l, 'v&l-n&r-b&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin vulnerabilis, from Latin vulnerare to wound, from vulner-, vulnus wound; probably akin to Latin vellere to pluck, Greek oulE wound
1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : ASSAILABLE
3 : liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge

When two or more people meet together and grow in a relationship (friendship, boy-girl relationship, etc), we're basically looking at two or more different worlds colliding together. Each indivudal brings to the relationship a different set of perspectives, a different personality, a unique dimension.

And sometimes, the jigsaw pieces just don't match one another. There'll be jagged edges, people not seeing eye to eye in certain areas, people having different tresholds, etc.

That is where one must learn the meaning of the word.

To know that when different people get together to grow together, there's bound to be differences... and we all stand a good chance of getting wounded (preferably not physically).

Of course, we can (as how I'd used to) prevent ourselves from being wounded. We can close up ourselves and refuse the possiblity of forging deep relationships and close friendships. We can limit our interactions and always just plough the surface, and very much putting up a front in front of others... or simply just keep quiet. Or to some, it comes in the form of playing the fool.

Jesus showed me how He loved.

He showed me how to be vulnerable.

That an invulnerable God would choose to be vulnerable.

To be vulnerable before God... and to be vulnerable before man.

And that's... how we can grow in relationships.

And... if the people concerned mean the whole world to you, then vulerability becomes something intrinsic in you I guess.

How much do we understand when we're told that God loves us very much?

What do we make of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross?

Galvin @ 03:04 PM

*


Thought that the entry was especially apt, and spoke volumes to my heart.

I keep to myself a lot, and pretending to be passive when im really not is just..suffocating. its not on purpose, but its become like a habit.

opening up to people too.. is hard. and i'll just be so quiet when im really not like that by nature.

yeah but the article i saw yesterday got me thinking. and i don't think this pretendence of passiveness in so many areas of my life is what God wants me to be.

so yup:) God'll help me change.

didn't manage to go for the trip, afterall.

it was so.. all of a sudden. and it was very hard trying not to be upset yesterday. but i suppose God has His reasons and timing for everything.

what did i learn?
i learnt that my dad and i have some serious communication problems. in fact, we hardly talk and that's a very big problem - its almost like he's a stranger. i can't say we have a strained relationship, cos i don't think we barely have one there in the first place.

its hard, when the person's supposed to be close to you but is in fact so Alien. and most of the time you don't feel like bothering because at this current state its not giving you any problems, but if you touch it it may bristle.

sigh. Father give me strength and wisdom to do something about it.


=

on a lighter note!
im back to the piano during my leisure time! learning Chopin's Polonaise in C minor. its an exam piece i LOVE but never got to learn before my piano classes were stopped. like most Chopin pieces, its dark, rich and beautifully emotive. And hard to pick up. :'(

but i suppose its ok, im not rushing for time anyway. its 7 pages long though, and that's a tad bit depressing. haha

its a lovely piece though, so its worth it :)

Just one more thread that's pulling everything else out -of place, like a fishing string with a hook at the end.

Stredding through all the soft hidden pulses -of life, and nonchalantly, everything.

It shows up with luggages different, heavier than, and not belonging to the normal routine of life.

Its a one little string that somehow manages to tip over -the compass needle, tie a little knot in a sudden change of destination, or the illusion of a lack of one.

The idiom "hanging by the thread" doesn't always work. but forget the conventional and there, it just fits the bill.

I'll like to think it goes on holidays, until Coincidence bangs and wakes it up to fulfill its job obligation again.

A thread with too many loose ends from over time, i really do suppose its time to snip and snap it off clean.

With help, of course.

jo's back from church camp!

read her most recent entry in her blog...of all her encounters with God during the church camp and all she has learnt, and i realised how much ive forsaken God.

nowadays ive not been doing QT, yes praying for help but never bothering to do quiet time- just doing nothing about my spiritual life. and i recall a sentence i read from a book that goes something like: when satan can't make you bad, he makes you do nothing.

im not trying to say ive not been "bad". ive done a lot of things wrong, but in addition to those ive been doing almost nothing about my spiritual life too. like from a sermon jolyn heard, ive been treating God akin to a credit card, using only when needed.

reading about her church camp i recall the one last december when God finally shone a light into the darkness of my heart. i remember how he rescued me from all the lies wrapped around my life.. how he loved me even though i had an attitude that just pissed everyone else off.

and i remember how he would be the one who was always there when i felt so alone, he was there when i felt that there was no one i could really share my true feelings to.. when i felt rejected. he was there through out the time i could never really open up to people, when i felt a crippling need to adapt to the expectations of people, just for acceptance.

i could never forget how he touched me during that particular camp, changed so much and so deeply in my heart i knew he was real. his love shone like none other, so much brighter in contrast to this dark pit i felt i was being sucked into at that time.

and the greatest thing was that he loves me for who i am just being myself, not for what i did, what i pretended to be, what i tried to be. he loves me knowing what i had done before, knowing the bad stuff i was going to do later in life and still loves me, now and forever.

he taught me patience and faith to wait for his miracle and promise for salvation of a lost friend, and he was there knowing how hard i prayed, and always reassuring me. he took care of so much when i felt i couldnt handle it anymore, he gave me strength when i fell. God was the one who was there to help me go through that emo stage in my life, and is still here now.

im grateful that jolyn's entry reminded me so much of God's grace and what he did in my life, so although he may seem so far away i'll know that he's there like he promised always to be.


"...and surely I am with you always, till the very end of age."

LO AND BEHOLD, GUESS WHO I MET YESTERDAY?

EVELYN!
with her big violin standing at the bus stop!


haha, this is random la. point is im just reallyreally happy to see her, after so long. :) next year i want to sit beside her again! jiayi on one side, she on the other. yayness

somehow in this really perverted way i want school to start. THERE'S NOTHING TO DO AT HOME>
or maybe i should stop complaining and start doing constructive stuff.

ok. nah actually there's a lot to do. just a lot to do that i don't feel like doing :( and so much for sleeping at 11. more like im WAKING UP at 11. or later then that.


amath doesnt help cos i can't seem to understand...BUT IM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. i can't too, la. olevels next year.
instead i should cut being a perfectionist. then maybe i'll proceed a little faster.

haha. enough talking now ive got to start doing :)

Currently reading a book I happened to pick off the library shelf. All Girls: Single-Sex Education And Why It Matters by Karen Stabiner.


it is highly enlightening, arguing how in the co-ed school the biasness is steeped towards the boys. the boys fight for attention at a time when the adolescence girls undergo a drop in their self confidence and base their self worth on the views of others. this puts them at a disadvantage over the boys, and subtly reinforces the idea of male dominance.

a girls school, therefore, seeks to teach the girls confidence, independence, encouraging them to speak up and teaching them to base their worth not on the judgements and views of others (esp. boys, at their age) , but their own achievements by working hard.

it also provides insights on a girl's emotional and intellectual development through the teenage years and shows how an all girls school would cater to nurture girls based on these changes, which are very different from boys.


and im not even halfway past the book! isn't it cool. i never knew there was so much behind a girls school, thought they just did it to make up for a discrimination towards girls in the past.

and apparently i realised how lucky we are in singapore where we have, actually, a very fair education system allowing a fair chance to everyone from different family backgrounds. i feel so thankful after reading the stuff that happens in other societies, when sometimes your family background would just decide your destiny.

SO actually we are really well off in singapore. maybe we shouldnt complain too much and work hard instead. its just amazing how we don't really realise how fortunate we are.


the book is strongly recommanded!


anyway we're just rotting cause its the school holidays, and this book's thick

guess i'll have to let that go, eh?
and go make cookies and cakes or something.



:(
shirley is sad.

ha/ that's aliteration

ok. this holiday will be DIFFERENT. i shall not slack my life away like what ive been doing pretty much my entire life during holidays.

HABITS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE.

starting with this week.
i'll :
-tackle maths, 2 hours /day
-learn that software, 2 hours /day
-start sketching, 1 hour /day
-homework, 1 hour /day (T.T)
-JOG. 30mins /day
-sleep at 11.


HALF THE DAY'S GONE TODAY. :(
nevermind today i'll pack my stupid messy room.



oh ya. and keep in mind that ive to check my spending and save up for:
(in order of importance)

-the phone book $30
-cds (taufik, rain..?) or maybe i'll just go without them
-machine! (in the long term) $530



haha okaaay im bored of making lists. but at least a to-do list is more interesting then slacking. overdoses of slacking is just pure boredomness.

i should seriously consider memorizing stuff when im bored instead of switching on the tv. like, maybe memorizing chinese... compostitions? 0.0


...im getting too seriously nutty for my own good.

I AM POSITIVELY NEGATIVE.
ABSOLUTELY, COMICALLY,
PMS-ING.
OUT-OF-THE-WORLDLY HIGH, AND THEN
HIGHLY IRRITABILY DEPRESSED.


STUPID MOOD SWINGS.
yea. that just about sums up today.

and i can't believe i still play neopet games XD
my siblings are totally stunting my maturity development.

BUT I LOVE MY FAMILY! things are getting stable and im really thankful for that :) yesterday all of us went to eat at ichiban! some kind of a surprise dinner when mom's lazy. after that my siblings and i shared a tofi nut frappucino at starbucks! ^^
HAHA we were fighting for whip cream! and they made a lot of noise sucking air in man, but i think after a while i followed suit :D WEE I LOVE THEM (AND ICE BLENDED COFFEE) :)

hahaha my mom was like, "are you still a kid or something"

yea.
then things / blood sugar level / whatever came tumbling just about 2 hours ago.

:(
I NEED AN OCTET CONFIGURATION.