Wanting.
What do I want?
I want, to be able to see blue for blue, red for red, gold for gold. To look into a rose garden and see the red petals for what they are, and the grey patches on every spot.
To not have a beautiful sight tinted by the dark glasses of fear, to not discolour gifts bestowed on me. Over time, to see beyond colours, to the intricate and simplicity of their beauty - and see how truly blessed I am.
I want to see the rose garden in all its glorious beauty, its humble imperfections, its perserverence through the rain, and growth in all its suffering - to smile at its blossom, to help through its failings.
I want to see a rose garden, for what it really is.
I want to see without the haunting greyness of misgivings.
This, is what I want.*
A verse Suz sent me today:
'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength... The Lord longs to be gracious to you, he rises to show you compassion. For the lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!' Isaiah 30:15
I am eternally grateful that she has not given up on me, and I am so thankful for her encouragement during this time. When I believe God has somehow left, unanswering, she tells me instead that she believes He is training me up for the next level.
And I am to continue waiting patiently. There is a lesson to be taught that I have not learnt.
I devour the verse like parched land devours a splash of water. I want to get up to look for more, but I am afraid I will yet again be disappointed. And it is back to square 1.
Shooting practise today, though, was entirely blessed and watched over. RightShoulder did not hurt as much as yesterday even though I have been straining it for 2+ hours trying to aim. God has also very obviously made many things smooth for me. Yet..
What is it that I have to learn? Just what is it??
spoke at : 11:21 PM
I got into western dance!
I got into AEP! (afterall)
I really think its God's blessing, even though I've been emo and delusioned into emoness recently. There's just a lot to figure out.
That aside! I really hope I can get through shooting tryouts and get that ONE place (for the women's pistol secion) in the team! It sounds crazy, but I'm just going to try my best anyway :)
My right shoulder feels like its blazing now. I will skip the hell description :D I have consulted ruthi (shooting pro) though, and says the right and left hand do not shoot alike so PLEASE HEAL SHOULDER! I'LL GIVE YOU LOADS OF LOVE!
Right now I'm waiting for the 13jan suju vs dbsk EHB show to be subbed. JIAYI PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU SEE IT OK!
and ohman they discussed and read so much of dbsk and suju in ep.9 its scary. There was just this damn long discussion in lj la and I just think the whole thing's overblown.
OLEVEL RESULTS ARE RUMOURED TO COME OUT THIS FRIDAY. And I'm freaked out. Like freaked freaked out. And shiru and I were just freaking out together.
-ok its not a rumour anymore. fel just told me rj mass emailed them confirming it. OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAY. *Freaks again
sigh but I'll just hand to God my results, shooting practises and shooting tryouts la. People in shooting have been superbly nice and lovable so far, so I really hope I get in! (:
I'm sorry if I've just been avoiding some people/matters recently, give me time k! I'll sort them out soon.
so meanwhile, GO YUNHO! GO SHIRLEY!
FIGHTING! (with korean accent, lol)
spoke at : 7:09 PM
Saturday, January 12, 2008
rant parade
suz says she saw my face and that I'm going to backslide somewhere early this year. is it coming truuuuue? right now actually I'm just too tired to care.
things will just happen as they will.
i'm like quite depressed nowadays like something's weighing on me and the smiles are beginning to feel a little tiring/fake. or delusional. like I manage to be high because I'm pretending all the other shit doesn't exist.
and who likes emo people??
so I really can't be emo
this is such a stupid rant entry I haven't done this for so long it almost feels... well actually it feels normal.
lets see. people are gone, I'm afraid, can't get past myself, regreting shitloads about all the yesterdays that affect the Present. o and I think it sprained my right arm just by playing tennis+mass dancing+jerking from that tall and stupidly violent dance partner. it hurts a bit like hell now, although I find it weird how we always say it hurts like hell but none of us actually know hell.
is all this this my punishment?
I met shakespeare yesterday, he was standing there, all alive and perfect. I thought he was a ghost, but he speaks! with human-ness and that vunerability that makes human-ness. then it struck! I yearn to go back in time. To dig up the past, and return to the peaceful days of poems, sonnets, and tragic love. shakespeare, shakespeare. oh I fell in love with shakespeare yesterday.I do not find solaces any longer in the places where I once found them
spoke at : 8:42 PM
The last
Today was the end of orientation! Yeah it was fun, we had war games and a dance party afterwards. Seemed more like clubbing to me, but haha it was fun nevertheless. I found out my dance vocabulary is only like, | THIS | tiny.
And during war games the guys from orange gang was crap rough ok. Today was the first time I got hit (PURPOSLY and quite a lot of times) by guys. But I suppose its better than being treated like some pampered princess.
Its finally the end of orientation, and although it was fun I couldn't help wanting it to end quickly. Not for the coming lessons, but I suppose having an extended orientation is seriously shag. Like you literally end up with ruffled hair and you feel like shreds.
SO. was today a good day?
unfortunately I seem to always be here only when I have things to sort out. And going by that standard, today has got to be one of the toughest.
In my life when faced with a forkroad I'll end up, ALWAYS, on the route of risk. To me, I work subconsciously -now that I realise- on the theory that the grass is greener on the other side.
I learn to biasely detest the "safe" route while remaining perfectly objective to myself, though exactly what I detest of it I do not know. Somedays I pride myself of courage in taking that calculated risk, other days I believe the path of risk will free me -from something I have not yet to figure its shape of but have seen its shadows.
After all, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
Indeed, life teaches you lessons, sometimes easy, sometimes hard. And today, I learnt the consequences of gambles.
spoke at : 2:41 AM
sorry means little
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm here knowing -and fearing- what would happen next and I don't take any action to prevent it.
I'm sorry that knowing nothing can come out of it but I do nothing.
I don't know what to do, except to say I'm really sorry.
I really, really am.
Why do things have to turn out this way?
THIS IS A BLOODY TUG AND WAR.
(and someone always break their arm in tug and war)*
No, I've to remind myself not another one. History will NOT repeat itself!
I will not give it a chance to.Okay I feel a little better stating it out.
Anyways!
Its a little demoralizing that I don't think I got through the AEP selection test at Nj, but I'll work even harder to build up my portfolio this one month plus before I go on to the next school. GoGoGo!
ORIENTATION STARTS TOMORROW LASTING TILL FRIDAY.
So the stupidly boring admin week was worth it yes. (Even if it wasn't we somehow have to convince ourselves it was or risk feeling miserable) New civic classes/ogs next week and I'm going to be in some alien class.
A class with odd combi people in the arts stream. I hope everyone is nutty and arty kinda nice (: like sunshine in a school of grey (:
PLEASE TOO, do not make people I talk seriously to nervous. Or if they are please let them not show it at least haha.
I WILL MISS ALL MY (BORING, SCIENCE/NORMAL COMBI CHOOSING) NY CLASSMATES. Must visit me ok! I'm betting you all will be in same class la -_-
TENNIS, DANCE, READ NEAR OVERDUE BOOKS, GET NEW CAMERA BATT, DO ART (before which is BORROW USEFUL BOOKS NOT JUNK). And really start doing quiet time consistently. ReallyREALLY.
If I don't have time for Him now, I won't have time for the rest of the year and for the rest of my life.
So. I'm leaving everything else in Your hands!
spoke at : 10:27 PM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Passivity
Passiveness.
Passiveness is, not knowing if such a word as "passiveness" exists and not bothering to check out.
Passiveness is, knowing something you should do -knowing strongly, you do not even doubt- but sitting still, and doing nothing.
Passiveness is, inadequately empathizing, or not acknowledging, in actions, or verbally, knowingly or unknowingly.
There is beauty in passiveness. A detached form of emotional being developes -for there is no way emotion can be forsaken- and sits inside of you, caring yet uncaring, seeing yet not seeing, knowing yet not knowing. In this way, your emotions do not leave you, but they leave the world, and bring you along.
And perhaps, just perhaps, if passiveness does not totally overtake you, you will get to visit someplace far, far away. Away from the rest of the world, away in the depths of your mind.
-
HAHA, what was that.
That is a manifistation of my regret over my passivity which is overtly apparent to me today, hurray.
I write things down, so my logic does not go wayward and everywhere and I end up deluding myself thinking that things are in a mess and totally incomprehendable. In summary, so I don't become emo and self wallow, lol.
SO. LESSON LEARNT: DO NOT BE PASSIVE.
haha ok that was superficial.
But I suppose its life. Life, or God? brings things to hit you in the face, and instead of mopping about being sad I might as well do my best to salvage the situation and move on. DESPITE being a little discouraged, its ok, ok if i walk on in God's strength.
YEAH OK. I'll move on.
And what is the situation? next time :)
spoke at : 7:13 PM
tsesin