finally there's a time to breathe. its been so..rushed and non stop action since last wed, all through the weekends and today.

there's still a great school work traffic jam, but at least ive got A LITTLE time to spare. to stop, breathe and quieten down..


haha; ive felt so lost. at night before i turn off (if i do get to sleep at normal times at all) after a whole day of junk i face an empty soul. im drained, lost and... so many other things.

quite a few ppl in wg too. and i sense my attitude backslidding and things slowly starting to go loose and out of control in my life. best thing is that sometimes i get so sad about His abscence in my life i don't feel like caring anymore and try not thinking about it. what kind of a screwed thinking is that?

went to hard rock cafe to sort of have a dinner to sort of celebrate my mom and dad's birthday this month.. and i realise how people felt when they go to pubs and such to try and fill up empty souls with loud music and that temporary high; when people scream with excitment and seem as if there's some meaning in this world to celebrate. and its just all temporary..


its so sad.. someone told me once before also that the clubbing scene's really complicated; beneath all that jazzy lights, shiny dance floors and loud music. i heard that they go either to find "love" or to fill their empty hearts.

justina feels lonely..haha maybe i shall go visit her, when i don't actually have work to do ><

sigh. and im so tired of being criticsed for almost so many things i do, or for who i am- although it may be something not really good ..like insecurity and other kinds of crap; im so tired of being passed that judgemental eye.

sometimes we cant help it? sometimes its hard for us, or painful for us. whatever it is.. im not the only one who feels this way. i know its..sort of for our own good, or the motive of that mentor is good, but... it just feels as if you're being scrutinised and judged.
and of course the feeling's not very nice.

im so tired of it. so yea. i don't want to care so much anymore (not total ignorance though) because none of us can judge another.


on a more positive note! it has thought me to be more compassionate and understanding to others. yup(:

have to learn to really trust in Him and try to let go worries, problems too..although its really hard. cause i won't be able to last any much longer with my strength at this rate.


but its so foggy..

i see a slurred mirror image before me.


my younger sister is ten this year. primary four.

another scolding from my mother to both of us. perhaps it has been so routine to me it does not affect me much. or only a little, a little that i do not sense in myself. however, that is not the point.

the scolding came as another one of those many harshly spoken ones that was unworthy of our wrong doings, really. i do believe i am old enough to gauge. although i know they come because of her concern for us- somewhere far inside her heart, but believe me when i say the sharpness of her tone and knife sharp words do not reflect it.

my younger sister was scolded because she got impatient with me and yelled at me to take my clothes for the next day before she can put down her mattress, when she hasnt done what she was supposed to do. i yelled back, and my mother's attention was drawn.

so while teaching my younger brother she scolds my sister with her fiery tone and words that cut, as usual. at some point it turns unreasonable, she scolds my sister because apparently her expression was one of "pretending to be innocent". this is not surprising, esp when she teaches my brother and her patience is tittering dangerously on the edge. and she teaches my brother every night. and of course, her words cut. my sister remains quiet.


later, shortly receiving my share of the scolding, when i step into our bedroom i see my sister lying stomach down on her mattress, her face facing the wall, her expression unreadable. she does not move as i open the door and step in, not caring about who came in, not even a glance.

i stare at her as i pretend to continue to do what i came into the room to do, as she pretends she doesnt care who came in. or perhaps she truly doesnt. but as i stare
at her back i know she cries silent tears that flow from the ache inside, of never being understood, of helplessness to even shield from those piercing words.

silent tears that are "forbidden", that cannot be seen. to cry during a scolding, or after a scolding is giving the chance to be mocked, and hurt even deeper.


tears the must drip to the sheets at night and in the morning cannot be seen. tears that one must never admit to. pain that one must never show, and accept everything pushed to you, and carry on.

when will she reach her breaking point? i remember the first time i mustered the courage to answer back my mother, instead of listening and never being able to talk. listen, listen and listen. and one day i grew so angry i let it out in one weak, but sweet nevertheless, conquer. when i was ten. primary 4. on november 11th.

of course, nothing went well after that. and i became angier, colder, more withdrawn, and now i have gotten into a habit of not caring. but because of God it does not come so hard, and the hurts in the past i have let go.. and is trying to care, trying to understand.

but will she become like me? i really hope not.. but already i see a shadow of that..withdrawal syndrome. a once bubbly sunny girl turning into a tinted dark shadow, mysterious, unreadable, escaping notice to the best of her abilities, to escape hurting cuts of words. words under the name of scolding; under the initally good natured motive of care, love and concern.

i'll not put all the blame onto my mom, although more often then not i am tempted to. she did it out of love, afterall. love i still cannot comprehend, sometimes.

when will her breaking point come?

when will the mirror image of my past clear before me?

this is an overdued reflection.

last friday, Mr Kau and Mrs Seah (spelling of names from the courtesy of jasmine's entry :D ) went up to speak on why they were participating in the shaving of one's hair to raise awareness for cancer children. and their speech was so achingly sad..

when Mr Kau stood there, and said, "I'm sick of people around me dying", i looked up suddenly, and saw a big man with tears that he was trying hard to control and... freak haha i don't know. listening to the rest of his speech and looking at his struggle to control his hurt was.. so achingly painful.

and maybe sometimes we go through loss to make us realise the important things in life, painful as they are. what is money, what is that pretty bag, what is that status or high reputation, what is that being "cool"? what are those that we so earnestly seek throughout our lifes, different things at different ages. and in doing so we forget what really matters in life.

why do we spend so much more time in material things, and forget those around us..?

would you forsake your image to show care for someone ostracized?


Mrs Seah.. she is someone i respect. when she informed her mother of her decision, instead of support she gets a "Cant you do good without looking like a Freak?!" retort. which led her to question herself, and bring that question to the school - what do you define as freak? what is freak?

it must be painful to be criticised by a loved one, and yet she goes on with her decision.


those that decide to shave their hair- such a "big" decision... they are either ones that have lost a loved one and know the terrifying pain of losing a lost one, or those that are not blinded by the "importance" of their image, and know what matters in life, or both.

i know for one i wouldnt dare to shave off my hair... jolyn says she would, but she would wear a wig on it- and that would defeat the purpose wouldnt it.

so the next time you see shaved heads, recognise the courage beneath, the message they want to bring out and the message they believed enough to willingly shave their hair off.


would you shave your hair for something you believed in?

something really really meaningful, from themis' blog..


i cant remember when it ws, but i think it was just now or yesterdy i was thinking about relationship long term. then i ask myself what i look for in a girl.

usually i can give politically correct answers, like my non- negotiables (must be a faithful Christian, serves God, holy, etc etc), then characters like vargin, understanding, patient, etc etc. but what surprise me was for the first time, i was totally stumped. dumb founded. the i kept thinking, what do i REALLY look for in a girl.

honestly i have no clue. i gave myself hypothetical questions like what ifs and stuffs. then i ask myself how do i know when God calls you to have partnership for life with another person?

i always question people (esp christains) who are uncertain about the future wiht their partners, but yet still be with them. trying out? thats not God's idea.

think about this. EG a person has 100% and when u are in a relationship with a person, you give a certain percentage away. and the more u involve in an uncertain relationship, the more love u give away. and lets say they're not the ones you're gonna marry. then one fine day, you found your partner for life. someone you totally love, someone you totally know you're gonna marry him or her, but yet you cannot give 100%, because you gave some pecentage away. then you realise you shouldnt have gone into relationships that you're uncertain of so that the person you're gonna marry will have your 100%, and also He can give u 100%.

Love is not self seeking. not selfish. care about your partner you're goning to marry. reserve your 100% for your partner that God will lead you to in future.

and whats worst? when you break up with the person, there hurt. you get hurt, she get hurt. someone will bound to get hurt. if you think hurting yourself is bad, thinking about it, you're hurting the other party. thats selfishness. you don't care about the consequences of the other party. so don't move into a relationship you're uncertain of.

don't let your emotions control you, don't control your emotions. Let God control your emotions. for His ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts.

Young people, i have an advice for you. your youth is the best time in your life time. Serve God and give this time to God instead of pointless relationships that He's not pointing you to go into. when you get older and you realise you wanna do so much things for God, you realise you can't give as much physically and mentally.

another piece of advice. don't go looking for love in this mortal world when you don't feel God's love or experience His love totally. Because God is love, and His love is true and perfect. but mortal love is not perfect. they can never satisfy you when you don't even know what is perfect love. and when you know and feel and experienced perfect love from God, you'll start to realise you don't need mortal love. thats when Go will lead you to your parner for life, someone you'll love in this world.

so how to know you've experienced pefect love? it is when you realise whats the true meaning of John 3:16.

thats why u see me being single till now. not because i don't understand His perfect love (i do), but because i know my youth is the best time i have, and i'm gonna use it for God rather than going into a relationship i am not even certain of.

don't wait for a person, but wait on God. God bless.


there's nothing else really worth depending. God bless, He loves you.

there's so much i want to say, yet i don't know how to put it across. nor know of whom i can put it across to.

HA...ohman my brother's dancing to that jazzy L-O-V-E song by Nat King Cole. he came up behind me to just do some funny random stupid action la.. haha..


hmm. i should have went for thurs ninjado lesson instead. yesterday i painted till 3 in the morning. and spent the rest of the day floating on the edge of dreamland and half eyelids.

and whats worst i realised that i was wasting my time by not doing it in detail and just trying to finish it as soon as possible. cause now ive to go over it again.


haha...its really frustrating. but after you get the hang of it painting is soothing. but now im just trying to paint some freaking permed up hair you know. really sucks. (*vomits blood) tests my patience and concentration to its limits man.

k la. im still thankful. ive to be more patient anyway.


justina bombards me with maths questions, giving the excuse that my maths is better than hers. i think she must be going nuts/

on GRAPHS. ohmygoodness.



gee. ive to sleep earlier. im getting crankyy.

kays, i'll talk in riddles, so humour me. cause there's some stuff i feel like saying, but not really, so. riddles it shall be then. or seemingly meaningless stuff.

its funny.

i pick up two assignments. one gurantees, or promises, a pretty future; another a rough path for later days. one that would weary my heart. im quite sure. (then again what I think is not always right)

one comes as a maths assignment, calculative of future - some betrayal of your feelings. another as an arts assignment, something you carve from the heart, but one that does not feed your stomach. nor does you any good.

which do you choose?


although it sounds awfully like some career choice dilema, (due to the partial uncreativity on my part -_-) , its not.


today at class i was DISTRACTED. goodness. for nuts i have never tried so hard to listen but just couldnt get anything logical into my head before. 1st lesson was HISTORY somemore. and im like...what....when she was explaining all the league of nations council stuff. AH. good thing there was chinese compo, sorted my thoughts and cleared my head a bit (thank God)

WAIT, WHICH REMINDS ME. i havent handed up my compo yet! ><
i actually FINISHED it ok! (hahaha for once.) -oh by the way i really want to improve my chinese & not just sit there and whine about it. and i start by not whining.-

that shows it i guess. i went through today in a very dazed manner. maths was ok though. chem was interesting because i havent been listening for the whole topic and couldnt catch it.


sigh. help/
my mind is split into two. one cold and calculative, another more...compassionate? and some desire to do SOMETHING at least. i don't know. im confused.

this sounds like quite a screwed up piece of thought coherency. which really reflects my brain thought yea!



sigh
forget it. i should just let it go and ask Him.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

yea k

strained my right thigh, some joint, in my desperation to feel to momentumn of a kick again. now i can't walk properly. well. at least the left's still working.




i will never ever do anything that would harm myself, because now i know of the pain it will cause for the people who truly love and care for me

Fullness, completeness, wholeness, in the dead of the night

A full moon, an overflowing cup, a pitcher brimmed with milk.

Yet a life's desire to fall upon

The shadow of a hidden corner

Right ahead

That I cannot fanthom.


Brightness of a smile, a twinkle of the eye

All dim, above the joy beneath

Yet to source a strength from candleflames

Flickering, wavering

To a crumbling frame

That I cannot fanthom.


Embrace the warmest love

All on winter's days and winds

Bathe in heaven's light

To receive the greatest gift

And leave it stowed away for use

That I cannot fanthom.

____________________________________

yesterday i snapped my nametag into a quarter and a three quarters. and i supposed i snapped the oral as well, pieces and pieces, not just in half.

there's no use getting affected, but how much can i bear in silence; but its no fault of the others...i'd bear my own expectations to length.

and i know its wrong, when i feel them corrode into my strength. i can never survive alone, i don't want to try. now im just tired, so physically drained.


there's a lot going on, and on top of all that pile; my spirit is empty. and there comes creeping a need that comes with a pain-hefty price.


desperation, but He still smiles at me when - clearly i have given up and ran so far away, when i went against him, when for all the reasons of the world He could reject me now that i come in my greatest need..

but no, He smiles at me still with love in my desperation.


hope in my hopelessness, a quiet peace when i stifle in my flusteredness, and comfort in my disconsolation and all the silent tears i never dared to cry out.

im so sick of taking everything alone by myself, i know i can't - despite all the...needing to be strong.

a need not to break, a need to know and prove im not that weak, not that useless.


but i am nothing, and only so precious in His eyes, only so strong in His strength, only so truly happy in Him.

His joy will be my strength

blogs that are rather interesting in my boring nowadays:

this one of a stranger i somehow managed to click my way to.. scroll down and her descriptions of typically normal scenarios are rather special. her way of speech, i suppose. seems to be one rather immersed in poems, literature and music too. read unless you have time i suppose. lengthy.

JIAYI's blog! she occasionally pops in weird/long words like lachrymose (for tears), hermetic nook (for withdrawal tendencies), excalibur (sword of King Arthur; part of figure of speech), acquiescent (for abidding), exacerbation (for aggravation).........you really do get my point.
i swear she reads the dictionary like a storybook. her homework's undone cos she was "slacking" and reading a dictionary.
sigh?
blogs in an extremely interesting and light hearted way. to me i think she has a unique perspective (:

pam's blog! i think its really damn cool that she's extremely interested in cooking and *preparation of food. go to her blog and you'll find out. i mean, its hard to get a girl that's interested in such a rare interest. well.. esp. in nanyang i guess.

cooking's an ART thats just so cool. yes.
and sometimes the food looks yummy too! (except for the banana stuff she made..><)

yea.. hahahaha...so you see the time i waste on reading people's blogs. but its really interesting sometimes (:


oh yea! on jesmond's blog now is a really nice song! Utada Hikaru's First Love. its mainly in jap but there are enough eng parts to know what's the song about i guess. well..love songs don't take much to figure out la huh. and the title says it all -_- but anw the tune's really nice :)

today..
mindy was kinda mean to oliva huh!...but i don't know i think she feels really awkuard when im with mindy cos we're close. and i guess she feels like she's cutting in or something. ><

i met them in the canteen by chance, and oliva started feeling awkuard and wanted to leave after i joined her and mindy(><).
i insist that she joined us and all (as casually as possible ><), but after she bought her food she asked mindy if mindy wanted her to stay on.
and mindy's like *casually smiles*, "nevermind la".

and oliva smiles and says "nevermind then!" and walks away.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i feel really guilty, but i don't get why she feels awkuard when she's with mindy and i. >< ok actually i realised that quite a few people feel this way too. ><

(haha man hope she doesnt sccidentally stumble her way here)




there was eng oral today...a school exam, was a little shocking. cos i step into the classroom in the beautifully cooling and grey rainy day and they're like, "oh you know eng oral exam's the first period?"


and im like, WHAT.
yea. we had that amount of preparation too. (sorta means nil) anyway so we just went for it like that >< but it was quite ok. thankfully.

now its just that darned chinese oral tomorrow. i hope i don't stutter like i usually do. (and someone tell me what exactly are the chances of that.) yea u get the picture. its not exactly very pretty and sunny and rosy and all.




sigh. why am i so sarcastic again nowadays.



let us not rake up the past, and let fallen leaves stay fallen where they fell so long ago.

(or maybe we can use the vacumn cleaner. there're fast)

let me escape from my stupidly horrendously idiotically high pile of work-to-be-done and humour myself with this.


My ex is??

Maybe I should try something down right and left crazy. say...sail into the bermuda triangle. then again, i wldn't have the TIME considering our school curriculum.

I don't understand a lot of things. people, why things turn out the way they do, why some become what they are.. lots of things.

I lose my head when someone hurts me. i shoot up high to defensive mode and do or say things that i really regret after that.

People say stuff i'd sometimes rather not know.

Love is amazing. but something i cannot fanthom, something i no longer wish to.

Somewhere, someone cares for you more than you can ever know.

I will always remember those moments when the beautiful sides of people reveal in subtle ways..and you didnt expect it, but was lucky enough to have caught it (:

Forever is His love with us.

I never want to hurt anyone ever again. whether deliberately, unknowingly or in my most uncontrollable state. never again

I think the current US president is um. old? i don't know. maybe he's stressed or something..a lot of grey hair.

When I wake up in the morning it usually cuts my dreams. really hate it.

My past is something i don't wish to bring up

I get annoyed when people judge others harshly, having no little stred of understanding at all.

Parties for going high!

Kisses are mostly lust esp. around our age. sad huh. but anyway, there're supposed to be the sweetest few seconds on earth.

Tomorrow is another day to scrap past. hopfully, with joy.

I really have no self-discipline! it will be my downfall i tell you.

I have low tolerance for bananas. like yuck, really.


its true, its really dangerous to be on stage... glorifying Him.

especially for dance... boy is it difficult. there's a performance coming up too, during the ny family concert. pray that whatever it is, he will guide me towards in truly glorifying him, and not me, on stage.

it is so easy to be contented about what you can do, so easy for that desire to prove to people to arise in your heart. infront of so many people...

there's no meaning when you dance for yourself. ive tried dancing at home when no one watches and to close my eyes and dance just for Him, and it comes so fulfilling like none other... and it was only for that few seconds.

its really hard, esp when i know out of my insecurity sometimes i drive myself just so i can prove to others...but nothing is impossible for God.


yeah. i love dancing, so much, but i don't want to dance for me.

something from themis' blog;

and You said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart
then things woll just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took us to get there

Relient K - Let it all out


i hope you'll understand it too, someday.

hello.

!!!!!!

kill me X( I FORGOT JUSTINA'S BIRTHDAY. its that kinda, you know the date but you don't realise that's the day feeling.

I SHANT GIVE EXCUSES HUH. XD


dance was the whole afternoon today..and it felt great! i thank God for a lot a lot of things too...for helping me on the way to get out of some..unhealthy insecurity stuff; and helping me to dance because i can. less of me, more of Him! yea :)

have been feeling so tired nowadays...so physically drained. emotionally too, i guess. im drifting...and i really don't want to. really really don't.


today's lessons for me were:
-half an hour of physics
RECESS
-half an hour of history
free time all the way!
LUNCH
rehersals!! (excused from class)

so some of us had only like, ONE HOUR of lesson. hahahaha. i love the ny family concert xD


beginning to realise more and more of the reasons why God planned things they way they turned out...although i was so reluctant at first, and inspite of the hurt at first. so im thankful, yea :)


oh, and OUR (yiting and mine) TABLE SOLD FOR $300 AT THE FUNFAIR! weehs to that! (:

and NOW. there's lots of hw to do. T.;