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Cookie Monster

tsesin
Name: shirley!
Age: SEVENTEEN, sweetly
Here: zhpp, nygh, njc

Who: God's Beloved

potatopeels_shirley@hotmail.com

let sing along




elmos & bigbirds

aletheia
baocheng
devon
eunice goh
jiayi
jolyn
jonathan lee
joy
junwen
justina
magdelene
mingyi
natelie
pamelia
rach
shiru
shujun
stephanie
sujah
trixie,theresa
victor
xueen
xueying
yiting
yvonne
zephy


EGO Club
Spore design fest!
SAM
word a day
freedictionary.com


bedtime now

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credits

x x x x x x x
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Flash

Some days are just harder than others.

spoke at : 8:01 AM
Sunday, September 28, 2008
on quizzes

I took the test again! A test I first took in sec 3, off nanyang's career counseling webbie. The Kingdomality
Personal Preference Profile
.

Its quite interesting, comparing my results then and now. I expected it to be the same, actually, but alas:

THEN:
Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time.

You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions.

On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned.

On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative.



NOW:
Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time.

You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize.

On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes.

On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.



Some elements, such as my ideological aspects still resides. But according to this, seems like I've turned a little more unscrupulous over the years. On a positive note, I'm more focused now -perhaps even a little extremely so- as compared to the scatter-brained me of the past.

Sadly, though, it seems to suggest I've gradually come to a personal conclusion of valuing pragmatism, efficiency and success over creative endeavor... and matters of the heart?


Interesting points indeed, although one can't for certain pin something as complex as character growth and change with mere quiz results, one cannot deny they must shed some light of truth.

Very interesting.

spoke at : 12:35 AM
Saturday, September 27, 2008
POST-PROMOS

ITS POST PROMOS! (assumption of memory lapse at anything to do with academic art)

And today was the TASTE OF LIBERATION BABY :)

yesterday, in lieu of POST-PROMOS PLAN 1: I visited kino! and got 2 great books (: "The World Is Flat" and "Like You'd Understand, Anyway" a quirky book of short stories (:

as a fulfillment of POST-PROMOS PLAN 2, I attempted to learn a choreography!

Kenny/Nick/Trent's Choreography to Because Of You by Neyo:


(oops its a little cut off at the side)

The choreo's brilliant and the Kenny Wormald (center guy in black) is an incredible dancer as well.

I learnt the first 11 secs of the dance today! (till 21sec in the video)

It sounds little but seriously wrestling complicated/lightning fast steps out of a youtube video screen is no joke. So its alright, I'll do a bit a day and enjoy myself (:


I. MISS. DANCE.

going vivo to FINALLY get my phone fixed, frolic a bit, then to church (:


POST-PROMOS is like The Hawaiian Life man
(minus coconut trees)

spoke at : 12:53 AM
Monday, September 22, 2008
the block that stumbles

It always seems that, right before a literature paper I'll find myself expounding on some sort of emotional stumble block.

The last time I find myself having this insatiable urge to inscribe some kind of appreciation composition for my dearest friends was a day before my common test literature papers; that I have, out of the blue, realized have been steadfast in their love and support.

What untimely, although not undeserving, urges.

And now, a day before my fabulous papers on Murders in Cathedrals and melancholic poems by our beloved Owen - indeed this urge comes creeping back. It gives me a lightly, chilled touch on my shoulder and I turn to see its dark grin.

And so, like some feeble fool lost in its mysteriously charismatic, heart stopping (or revision stopping) stare, here I am.



Here I am, frozen in this dispiriting, pervasive gloominess.

And to avoid (yet) another potentially emotional-hysterics-outpour, (not healthy for day-before-paper mental state) I have decidedly beaten a whole accusatory round around the tortured bush of this (actually rather blameless) "urge".


Hahaha.
True, I am perplexed -and hence tongue tied, finger tied (for typing) even- when it comes to you


Dear Lord, I give up. And hand it over to You.

spoke at : 7:25 AM
Friday, September 19, 2008
relooking

On a more logical, less emotional note.

I've thought about loads of stuff, considered so much, and realised I shouldn't be letting my imagination wander so far off, and drag my heart along.

That for all I know, I may just be creating a hypothetical situation based on assumptions I can never validate.

Or, in short, that its just all in my head.


I've realised, that instead of moping on the unchangeable, there are many other things I should turn my focus to. My walk with God, for one. Sometimes it feels like a clean cut of strings that used to bind, and probably, blind.

Through the course of today it dawned upon me that there are many things that never turn out the way we want them to; but in the end, God's in control. However impossible it seems. mm.


Perhaps He'll reveal it in time.
Today, though, I'm just really tired.

spoke at : 6:53 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2008

Before I fling myself in work, before I try to forget, before it warps into complicated folds beyond my, and indeed anyone else's, understanding.

I'll like to record it. In black sprawl on white, yet words fall beyond my reach even before I can touch them... I don't know where to start.


Perhaps I should apologize to you again, although apologies won't help anything, and after so much is an apology what you really want to hear?

I'll go behind my apology, and tell you then, its less the apologising, but more of the suffocating concern I can't shake myself off when I catch you. And when I don't.

I wish you well, I want you to be happy, I don't want to dash your hopes in the future; and I don't know what to do, when I want to be near but I see my prescence seems to bring you more pain than joy, seems to strip you of your smile

So I'll rather that you leave if it makes you feel better; I can't bear to see your back diminishing in the distance, can't bear to face your gaping abscence, but i don't expect you to stay.

I wonder sometimes if all this helps you, this trying to be alright around you, so you'll see reason not to dwell in the sadder part of this, so that you'll have some inkling of a reason to smile, too?

And perhaps on my part, to cope and cover a broken psyche, and forget, even just for a brief moment; like the desperate patching up of a disjointed head in a piteous attempt to ward off death

But in truth, in truth this pretentiousness is tiring, all the pseudo smiles and plastic joy and painfully mustered energy


I know this'll never reach you, and I can't bear to approach you when you need your space.. but maybe if I pretend in my mind that I'm able to tell you this it'll sooth this agony?

That I'm sorry that I've hurt you, that I didn't know things would turn out this way, that I seem alright not because I don't care, but rather I do, that I just wanted you to be happy and that was all.


And now, because this world doesn't wait for broken hearts, work it is.

spoke at : 2:06 AM
sometimes

Sometimes

I want to run and run and run to a place no one knows, thrash a pillow till my will breaks, bury my face, and cry my heart out

I'm sorry, a million times

spoke at : 12:15 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2008
there is no empty space

I think, if there wasn't a need in the first place, there wouldn't be an empty space when the need becomes unattainable.

spoke at : 5:24 AM
Thursday, September 04, 2008
the Sunny, Brightyellow picture

Disappointments come when you don't get something, but only because you first expected something in return. Sadness comes when you choose to linger on the sorrowful. Self-doubt comes when you throw the negativity at yourself.

Its much better, I presume then, to appreciate someone from afar and love unconditionally, and without stipulations. To learn from things that sadden you, and move on in life; forgive, and forget. To see the positive side of the coin about yourself.


Of course, its always harder to act on what you theorize or already know. But Shirley! You're going to try!

I think I tend to depend on people I love and trust to define my self worth, underneath all the happiness and the smiles and the presumed carelessness. And its unhealthy, because once these people are absent I get sucked helpless into this whirlpool of my own negativity. I feel like sand in shallow water is, being settled and unsettled in sync with the waves, who in turn are reacting to some god-forsaken wind from some direction.

Alright why am I going all elemental.


But, yeah! Its time I start building my self worth and identity in God again!

After this year of first forsaking him because I didn't understand why I was placed in the school I am in, despite desperate protests; doubting his love and choosing to go my own way; becoming lost following all sorts of people and trends; finally I realise how's he's been here all along.

Maybe I can never understand why I was placed here, perhaps, like other things in the past he'll reveal them later in his own time. Nevertheless. I've decided to get back on track with God! To learn to trust in him again, and continue growing in this faith journey.


OKAY. Spiritual things aside, I am determined to go back to some kind of adrenaline pumping action after promos! Go qiaowei we need to work hard for promos so we can go for boxing/muay thai lessons together!

I seriously think I need some kind of exercise. This sedated lifestyle is just. Not shirley and not going anywhere! I want to sweat lots eat lots (without worrying where I'll be burning it off) and be excited loads just like in the past, before the big'o Ankle Accident. When in the good old days destressing = exercising, not eating unhealthily in the dead, wee hours of the morning.

I also am determined to, after promos, SLEEP A LOT. To induce some kind of overdue (albeit a little late) growth spurt, in the last lap to talldom-ness! Its like, now or never.

Things I've done and always loved, dance, ninjado; and things I've always wanted to seriously get into, TENNIS, muay thai, rock-climbing (this one's a bit hard).
And to be able to start on alevel coursework!
AND to finally get afresh with shooting.


Ohohohoh I can feel my blood pumping already, can't wait for after promos!

spoke at : 8:32 PM
Monday, September 01, 2008
when it rears its ugly head

I have concluded that words are more destructive than anything combined, even more so when combined, and when I become a parent in the future I swear, I swear to use words only to build, not to tear.
so many lies intertwined until I can't decipher the end of truth and start of lies, when things like this happen I know its the iceberg of a bigger issue that no one dares to face, nor bother to uncover. why does he blame everyone but himself, why doesn't he see the bigger picture, the future of his actions, why can't he accept that he can be wrong sometimes, why is he ruining everything, why is he treating me this way, why am I treating him this way?

if my father hates who I am, who will love me, for me?

spoke at : 8:59 AM
a broken hallelujah

This is beautiful! Click:
Hallelujah, by Kate Voegele.

I never knew the full version was so..intense and resounding. Its such a warped interpretation of hallelujah, though. If you search for lyrics.



Actually, there's something about it that intrigues me. Something about the opening melody of that few guitar chords of that particular arrangement. There's a streak of familiarity that strikes at me, from a long time ago, in a song someone wrote.

So I find myself replaying and replaying that song, trying to grasp that fleeting strand of memory and the consequent melody. You know how it feels when something almost solidifies in your consciousness and escapes before it takes full form. I've been chasing this ellusive stream of memory for the past afternoon now.


I think I tend to blog in this cryptic mode when I need to clear something out of my system, so either my thoughts come out jumbled or many strands are running simultaneously at the same time. Other than these I can't think of any other reason.

I don't do it on purpose, like relentlessly think of how to twist my sentences. I suppose its more of not simplifying my thoughts since I'm concentrating more on the whole idea?


But I tend to think I tend to create this distance when I write. Don't know if the people reading feel it too. Its either exclusively personal or, coldly impersonal?
Perhaps I haven't reached the particular standard where there is vivre in my expression.


Hahaha.
Sometimes I wonder I seem to be a little.. sad all the time nowadays. Seems like a part of the happy me flew away, I laugh a lot more but more often than not its more of laughing to escape that lingering sadness. And it feels a little empty. Sort of like laughing without joy.

(I am trying very hard not to make all this sound emo, because I don't think really there is a need to.)

I think we do that a lot more as we grow up, laughing without joy. Seems more opportunities to indulge in it. We feel inclined in social settings, we feel inclined when someone's enjoying himself. Is this what they call groundedness, not laughing all the time? Not being flighty?


Very little makes me truly laugh nowadays.
Perhaps, like jamie who got one on love, I should get some book on the philosophy of joy. What do you say, devon? Hahaha

spoke at : 5:16 AM