HIATUS, until the end of olevels.

i've thought about it, quite hard.
i don't really have a use of a blog.

i don't need people to know about my life, or more about me. the people i truly know and care for all know me in real life. and if someone really does want to know me better, a meet up in reality would be a better gauge.

i don't really have a desperate need to satisfy my boredom, if boredom means having nothing you can/should do. i have tons of them.

i don't have a worthy goal or purpose that i want to achieve through a blog, unless you count blabbering about life. and i know i can put the time to better use.

so, im stalling the breath of my virtual life. (haha, that was so melodramatic)


and i've thought about my ankle, and decided that if i habour another negative, whiny thought i should smack myself. because i should be thankful that i'll still have a chance of moving freely when it totally heals.

i can still fulfill my dreams of rock climbing, climbing frozen waterfalls, mountain climbing, horseback riding, etc. i am not wheelchair-bound for the rest of my life, so i should stop complaining like i am going to be.


and maybe im far away from God now, but i know He's always been somewhere near so i'll just have to learn how to turn back. and He'll lead me back, too, in his time. i know i can't do without Him. He'll take care of this whole tough year, He'll take care of the rest of my life.

maybe i can't feel him, but i know faith is more than feelings. :)

and for deemed impossibles, i know too that nothing is impossible with God, and a right attitude. be it studies, physical limitations, relationships.


so after all that thinking, well, life just has to go on. see you in real-life.

hello. this is me feeling quite shit again because i can't go for njd, oh joy.

and i've analysized, while flung on the sofa watching absolutely meaningless tv programmes, it is probably because i have too much time (esp. on fridays) that i feel extra fat/rotten/blubber-ish about not going to njd, as compared to not being able to go for thurs/wed njd.

yes, i actually bothered to analyse. it took, er, maybe 2mins? then back to restless torture on tv.

i've also analysed, it is perhaps of this shit feeling i can't dispose of that i became a bit emo about my close friend (refer to previous entry). she didn't do anything wrong, but i still feel hurt anyway. its life i suppose, things happen that are beyond your control.

yes i bothered to analyse that too. all hail my analytical mind.


i need tuition for my math/sciences. i need to study more. i need to hug and smile at jolyn more because she's been so nice. i need to mug more for Amath/chem/physics. mug more, it kills you less, you feel cleverer. its a simple formula and a win-win-win situation, problem is i just don't do it.

there're lessons for another week, after that it'll be prelim-mug/coursework rush for the rest of june, and hopefully ninjado pia-ing. God please heal my ankle, nothing else is working. :'(
..grant me the faith to believe.


i need to study more study more study more study more. be a nerd, a geek, whatever. I JUST NEED TO STUDY MORE. and i should just put this thing/blog to hiatus or just shut it down for good, but i have not yet achieved that level of maturity to do so.


friday's ninjado would be ending in approx. 36mins now.


the screen is too bright, the lamp is too bright, my headache is deluding me.
i should sleep early tonight. i really should.

but as before, i have not yet achieved that level of maturity to do so. or anything else i should, for that matter. kudos to me.

and have i mentioned the blog-times are screwed.

maybe im being oversensitive, maybe not.

maybe there's a basis for all this, maybe not.

i just.. don't understand you anymore

i know none of us wanted it this way, but sometimes we just can't help the way things turn out

and now we -at least i- will just watch

and wonder, maybe,

what would i do, to get you to understand.


-

ok. and that would be the emo way to deal with this. and the mature way would be, to dismiss this as my oversensitivity.

i mean, we've known each other for so long, we know how we never used to impose our views on each other, we know never to expect to be the each other's entire worlds. we've (i would like to believe) been through worst then this.


yeah. its not that bad.

it was only, only a practical solution out.

heyhey so guess what's the latest craze firing through the nanyang olevel cohort this few days?

yeah you got it (actually probably not), its the dsa-ing rush!


its really quite harmless, except that the application forms are really 0.0
freaky. hahahahaha

we're all prepared to HAHAHA-this-is-really-nuts if we Ever scrape through all of that. scrutinizing results, interviews, auditions.



oh, the greatest book ever:
COMPULSION by Keith Ablow

that freak of a writer's really good. (:
just ONE of her psychological thrillers and its just fab. aw man. everyone should read it.


jolyn wrote me a letter that was damn touching. hahaha.
and im beginning to think about some stuff.


ohwell. anyway. yeats is a beautiful poet.



Those that I fight I do not hate

just THINKING of it gives me shivers.



i hate water chestnuts. bananas were bad, but at least they don't make me vomit. and bananas are honest, they give out this strong pungent smell so at least people like me get a warning.

water chestnuts on the other hand are so cunning, they look like apples taste like apples and then silently turn my intestines inside out. and it was only half of one small one????!@!


urgh. they should ban this stuff

tired. just, tired.

and the truth? is that im throughly lost.
and i still don't know what im doing




(p.s. in the midst of my lost-ness, i would still like to comment that this song is nice.)



hahahahaha. am i screwed or what, bored?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IM ACTUALLY HOME ON THE LAST DAY OF MY MIDYEARS.

i really have no life. i should be out there burning down singapore, i should be flying my ass to the corners of i-don't-know-where.


but NOOOOOOOOOO. im at home stuck with my laptop.

the screen and me. me and the screen. lovely.
my life is seriously incredible.

ohgosh. ):


at least IF MY PAPERS ENDED YESTERDAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I WOULD HAVE COMPANY. but no it had to end today. and the stupid examination hall had only who, huilin and i. (im trying really hard not to hate aep.)

AND NOW EVERYONE ELSE IS BOOKED. and the only unbooked person (in olevels, since ip people are still slogging their heart away) is mindy. and that's cause she's SICK. or else she would scrape herself clean out of the house and be booked too.


):

and things just get worst. IF MY STUPID ANKLE WOULD AT LEAST OBLIGE TO HEAL A LITTLE BIT FASTER I COULD HAVE WENT TO NINJADO LATER, but noooooo. so i'll have to be resigned to being cooped up at home all day AND NIGHT like some dead handicapped chicken.


i have NOTHING TO DO. i have NO LIFE AT HOME RIGHT NOW IVE TO EVEN RESORT TO RANTING HERE WHICH IS REALLY DUMB ANYWAYS BECAUSE I ONLY RANT HERE WHEN IM 1.bored OR 2.emo.

urgh.


this is stunting my emotional growth.

i think ive supressed myself for far too long.

introverted? shit man i never used to be that. unless, of course i don't feel like talking to you.

what's the point? where's the use? what the hell am i trying to do trying to be someone else so people could accept me. whatevers to that.

that's not me. no use supressing what's me. im not a little happy chirpy little girl. im bad tempered, rash, egocentric, i hate limits. i hate who i hate, i love who i love.

love me if you can accept it. or hate me


i don't suddenly have a split personality bug, im just tired of trying so hard to be someone else, or just nobody so people won't start hating me. maybe i hated the way i was but the truth is im still all that, and will always be unless i face up to it. instead of pushing it under the mat.

no use fading to run away. no use feeling all shit insecure cos you're never yourself. no use trying to be meek. omg, meek. what the.

this stupid act ive embarked on (3 years ago? 4? i can't even bloody remember) to fool everyone, everything, and myself is just. sapping away me. what the hell am i doing.

im not what im not, i am what i am.



wake up, shirley.
if you want to change then start by opening up.

tomorrow, 5 it will be. i won't be able to sleep much anyway.

Don't worry, i know, i understand. you're just willing to do anything for more money.

reading all the archives, i realised ive changed quite a bit.

hmm. its so weird, its like reading about someone else's life - this hypervated girl that has terrible time management (and always just seems to complain about it) who gets emo bugged ocassionally, less some months, more others. and the stuff she writes about. (gawd)


haha, its just, WEIRD.
its not me k. its really not me.

today's outing with devon and mindy was..kinda unproductive (AND WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDST OF OUR MIDYEARS LAAA) but meaningful. LOL, bonding. you know. important.


(: and i finally got the Dreamgirls soundtrack. its really nice, go get it anytime. or you can ask from me, i'll send you the listen-worthy songs. its just jazzy and crazy strong singing, ohoh i just love it when the black ones sing <3



now there's just MICHAEL BUBLE's CALL ME IRRESPONSIBLE. haha i'll get it pronto when i have the bucks. he sings real good too. get that mindy and i'll borrow it from you! xD

we let devon go get her nap (she was getting grumpy) and mindy and i just sat at the chuachukang station talkingtalkingtalkingtalking haha. <3 talking about the end of the world and back again, till she had to go too.


i want to go for njd. lack of high intensity exercise is just making me moody (as evelyn realises as well), and is starting to cause insomia (i believe. or maybe its the midyear stress).

please cartilage healhealheal i promise never to sprain you evereveragagin.


and physics! my love, i'll work sosososo hard on you over the weekend, just don't fail me on monday baby

there's a certain bliss studying emath and listening to your favourite song.

not the highness kind of happy, but still really contented all the same. its like, everything's just nicely balanced, for once.

or maybe its because this is the first day ever since midyears started that im not wrecking with guilt / paralysed with fear.


hahahaha.
thank God for literature and history. it wasn't that bad, although most of us studied about 1/10 chapters for history (haha, we died for the essay and were conjuring up our own details, *Making History :D )- and i only flipped through my lit text in the bus to school today.



*pause




(: did i mention im contented again?

lol, its times like this when i feel like smiling to someone but NO ONE'S HERE. i should just smile to my phone. -_-"


i pray my ankle'll be ok by next week so i can FINALLY go ninjado after my midyears end (:

ohyea, and ive concluded that devon's just about the SLACKEST PERSON ive seen. (to put in nicer terms, it would be "calm", just so she wouldn't murder me) plus she is highly delusional man --"

just look at her blog add -> thisisahappyblog.blogspot.com
-_-


see.
and devon don't tell me its cause im sadistic and have this melancholy, cheerless view of the world. im not buying it.

point is, STUDY LA WOMAN. don't hou kui mo ji (<-gasp. chinese!)



/i am reminded of md. AHH I MISS DANCE ):

9:09 pm

"this is intolerable. my fetish for the weird will be my demise."

righto.


help me with my history and literature tomorrow please?

2:11pm

sucker,
im just a sucker for pretty things. i can't help it

maybe people in art just have an eye for all things beautiful
but urgh i still can't believe im just so superficial.

its so beautiful, so attractive, its replusing.



suck.


12:40pm

lao. i want to go for friday class. after reading justina's entry, in her new temporary blog. THE TRAINING THERE IS SO MUCH BETTER, the difference is incredible.

and boy will i need it, after rotting myself off in lieu of Mr. Ankle, ho ho. who refuses to heal FAST.

freak. I WANT TO SPAR!??!?!
T.T

went swimming yesterday and swamswamswamswamswamswam till they switched off the pool lights, which is really freaky cos im alone, the pool's dark, and someone's drowned there before. omg.

anyway. IT WAS TERRIFIC. physical tiredness after, SO LONG.
i think, er, i overdid it though. overdid quite a bit, or A LOT.

so now im suffering from the after-effects T.T
shoulder feels..disjointed?


*

i did so much of maths i am ready to PUKE exponentials.

on hindsight, today was productive.
maybe one day maths will mesmerize me and i'll fall deeply and sadly in love.
but, not today. Thankfully.


JUSTINA IS BEING ELITIST.
well, maybe i can't blame her because THE BLACK SOCIETY IS ELITIST. "the invisible, fleeting elitist ones", i quote, erm, myself (haha). Later she starts assassinating people too.

refuses to tell me how to counter a sweep kick when i ask her -_- because only black belts were told / supposed to know / something like that?
well its ok cos i guessed it in my second try.


STILL

someone tell me the black belts aren't (some-sort) elitist.
or tell me im sterotyping / over-generalising.

ah. today was productive. i shall make tonight productive too (:
going swimming again, it's lovingly addictive! ((:

justina's excited, and im excited for her
(:



a paper down, and i don't know how everyone seemed to finish (with "quite a lot of time left what") but me?!

ok. maybe i do know why. but still.
evfil chinese.



sitting here listening to inconsequential songs.
just for you to whisper that word and bring on the theatrics


oh brew the deadly concoction of strive and play


4.19pm

somehow i just knew, i just knew something like that would happen if i spoke too much.

and i don't know why im so afraid of letting people know how i feel, especially those i treasure the most. its just this paralysing fear.

that something will happen to me? that they will reject me? that they will think its stupid?

i don't know. i don't know why, and because i don't know why i can't get rid of it.

sheesh

i don't know why i try so hard supressing so they don't realise something of me that's out of their expectations. its's stiffling, but i don't know why i still do it.

"please don't read through my passiveness, please don't ask."
i don't know why im doing what im doing.


my stupid subconscious brain. im convinced it must be hardwired into me from some dumb "horrific" past experience.

URGH.
i don't know i don't know i don't know.


by the way, i Hate stray smses.
it was meant for you again, mindy. Again.

HAIYA
@#$%#%^^&%

if only
i could get used to this sucking of life - as part of my life

ok im going to be strong, with God. and i know He's somewhere. or, everywhere. i need to start praying again for strength.

if what they say is true, that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then im bloody making sure this isn't going to kill me.



pride is what irks me the most.

and, try as i may, pride is what i cannot even Start to empathise with. simply because there is nothing behind pride to try to understand. pride is just, well, disgusting pride.

how God can forgive even that, is well, just amazing.



tiresome. this is tiresome.



"The mighty man will become tinder
and his work a spark;
both will burn together,
with no one to quench the fire."

Isaiah 1:31

its scary how true this is in my life.
sometimes i wonder