Before I forget.

There has to come a day when a turning point has to be made. A point where standards have to be raised. A point where I need to halt and in a long time, really look around me.

Where am I now? Spiritually, emotionally, as a student, a shooter?

Things seemingly minute actually reflect the larger scheme of things, and going along with this theory, how do I rate my current state?

As a student, my room is not as it should be. It is in disarray, things are everywhere, spilling onto my bed. Work is half done, revision barely in exsistence much less solidified - all one week away from CTs. I have no idea how I will scrap through them. It seems like a nightmare replayed from Olevels.

Spiritually, I have lost my bible in the midst of the mess of my room. Discipline, or the lack of it, is a word killing me. What seperates us from the love of the Lord? Not hardship, not turbulances, nor darkness, nor the deepest depths of ocean. But what seperates me from His higher will for me? Discipline, my choice yet I seem, paradoxically, not to have control over.

Emotionally, I see myself slipping away, given up. Detached, like a ghost wandering from day to day knowing full well the consequences of its wondering. I sit here in disbelief, staring at my state. This is not me.


Perhaps the last straw will be when I myself become dishevelled.

And when that happens, will I sit here and let it happen? Will I silently see things slowly morph into a past nightmare and simply let it Happen?


I speak of circumstances controlling me, when in my saner moments, I remember believing otherwise. The disparity, this dipolarity meets, I believe, in my shortcomings. I need to change the waves around me, but somehow I can't. I refuse to accept so, but it hits me over and over that this is beyond me. How do I control a seeming character paralysis?

I am acutely aware of the existance of warped mindsets present here that have caused me to fall thus far, yet my mind is too clouded to put a finger to exactly where. I reach out in the dark and feel nothing I can recognise. Feelings and logical reasoning seem to breached the boundary set up between them, somewhere in my mind.

All seems impossible, yet all I know is, in my clouded consciousness, that God is the solution. I have not been at all representational of His glory this year despite my 2008 resolutions, like promises made and broken yet again, but I know He's here somewhere. Nearby.

I have to stop looking elsewhere. I have to start looking towards Him.