Wanting.
What do I want?
I want, to be able to see blue for blue, red for red, gold for gold. To look into a rose garden and see the red petals for what they are, and the grey patches on every spot.
To not have a beautiful sight tinted by the dark glasses of fear, to not discolour gifts bestowed on me. Over time, to see beyond colours, to the intricate and simplicity of their beauty - and see how truly blessed I am.
I want to see the rose garden in all its glorious beauty, its humble imperfections, its perserverence through the rain, and growth in all its suffering - to smile at its blossom, to help through its failings.
I want to see a rose garden, for what it really is.
I want to see without the haunting greyness of misgivings.
This, is what I want.*
A verse Suz sent me today:
'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength... The Lord longs to be gracious to you, he rises to show you compassion. For the lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!' Isaiah 30:15
I am eternally grateful that she has not given up on me, and I am so thankful for her encouragement during this time. When I believe God has somehow left, unanswering, she tells me instead that she believes He is training me up for the next level.
And I am to continue waiting patiently. There is a lesson to be taught that I have not learnt.
I devour the verse like parched land devours a splash of water. I want to get up to look for more, but I am afraid I will yet again be disappointed. And it is back to square 1.
Shooting practise today, though, was entirely blessed and watched over. RightShoulder did not hurt as much as yesterday even though I have been straining it for 2+ hours trying to aim. God has also very obviously made many things smooth for me. Yet..
What is it that I have to learn? Just what is it??
tsesin 
spoke at : 11:21 PM