one, let me try to sort out my thoughts.

for once, im agreeing that keeping in is not going to be of any help. i know these messed up feelings churn and churn and churn inside and become emo-fied messes SO I SHOULD STOP TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP STUFF IN.

or more of, i should start breaking this habit of mine.


i'll admit i do get jealous easily, i'll admit i never saw your affection / fatherly love / speck of concern -and perhaps im short of sight-, and i'll admit its hard to swallow if you remember her birthday and get her a present, and forgot all about mine.

maybe its my fault that im equating your love to birthday presents, but i don't know what else to equate it to.

when you talk either you're scolding me or blaming me for their childish fights, and i think over time i grew to never really like talking to you.

i habour this simmered anger towards you that seems to always be there, and i think i'd tried hard enough to extinguish this bitterness, but it only takes so little to trigger everything.

i know you're hard of expressing, but can't you say something direct? for once?
so i can stop reading the little little things, like birthday presents, like how you ask about her and never of me, like how it'll always be my perfectionism that i have to sleep late doing work- and that its a problem with her school when she sleeps late doing hers.

like how you remember her birthday and cleanly forgot mine.

i'll go for camps, celebrate my birthdays there, come back, and have nothing mentioned back home. comparing with the hugs first thing in the morning from beaming friends, the surprise they planned at the stroke of midnight, singing something they know i love, giving something they hope i'll like, all the smses and every effort, no matter big or small.

i'll think back and i really feel like crying, i never expected all that.

its not that i like receiving all that attention, or crave after material things to measure love, but i don't think i ever felt that back home my existence was treasured.

i know i am treasured, somehow, but how are you supposed to think after you've compared the effort outsiders make and effort your own family makes? when i never asked of anything from both of them

truly, More Than Words.

and i thank God, because of every approaching birthday i'll pray to God that i wouldn't be dissappointed, or feeling lonely on my birthday, and i'll secretly pray for a birthday present i know he'll never hesitate to give. and he answered everytime i prayed - these 2 years were the happiest birthdays i could experience.

ive learnt not to expect anything, to learn not to harbour expectations so as not to be dissappointed, but the difference is hard to accept, as much as i'll want to avoid it.

i wouldn't cry for a birthday celebration, i don't really want to leave that bad memory hooked to every birthday i'll celebrate at home later on. i don't think i can cry either, pride'll stop me before anything else.

and i'll like to think that somehow it'll be easier to manage that bloody streak of jealousy if i sorted it out here. pieced the painful parts and make sense of it, convincing me things ive gradually lost faith in.

i hate cakes, you know that, but i'll gladly eat it if you bought it for me, on my birthday.


and before i go, i'll like to wish a happy belated birthday to my sister, Jessica Lee Mei Hui, whose birthday fell on the 7th of April.

i didn't forget you know, but i couldn't bring myself to tell you that.


10/4, 9:43PM