"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time." -- T.S. Eliot


other than that which i pasted about an hour ago, i must declare

I AM CURRENTLY EXTREMELY HIGH.

WEEEEEEEE.


hahahahahahahahahhahaha, justina makes me high with her current cloud 8.7 temporarily permanent euphoric status. HAHA

who knows, she might even promote to cloud 20+
JUSTINA, I HAVE FULL CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

stupid la, she's like "eh?"-ing and "huh?"-ing for every alternate comment i make. WE WONDER WHY, LOL


LALALALALALALA/
I WAS HARDWORKING TODAY SO I SHALL LIKE TOTALLY FLOP NOW. studying with devon today, and its so funny la we totally CLICK. lol.

and, and, and, i am convinced mindy and aug have something on. i don't mind, but COMMON, SHE'S DUMPING ME FOR HIM!?!?

i don't see how running and kayaking with a certain Aug can be so fun. like yea mindy i know im totally not the sea-type and you're not the land-type but, ?!?@?#?@$?#?$@#%?$^?%?#$?%$#...?#$?#@?!


OKAY IM BEING STUPID. LOL
instead, i should make up for this stupidity that inevitably comes with high-ness, by being magnanimous :)

lol ok then, CONGRATS MINDY! <3
LOVE


gosh, i haven't been feeling like that for since like, forever.


oh, and look what i founddddddd

PHILANTROPHIC means GIVING
BENIGNANT means KINDLY
COMPLAISANT means AGREEABLE

oh geeeeeeeee. like what is wrong with the language mannn
(or me, LOL)

i love justina.

have i mentioned that?

oh and i am so, so

going to study freakishly hard - with no concentration breaks,

and play so hard after

and when i finally get out of the rat race i will

backpack myself across new zealand

and everywhere that has 1/snow mountains and 2/streams 3/green grass and 4/nice blue skies.


look big, and its ok that results

don't really yield immediately

as long as i try my hardest.


oh oh i'll balance them, watch it

and even if the whole world says i can't

do it i know

you'll always be there

to say i can, cause

you're helping me and

you're out of this world.

love ya <3
because you define me, by first dying
for us all.



i need to study, but i need to be free too.

but don't worry mom
i'll make you proud of me, just you see.

GOLD WITH HONOURS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i can't even BEGIN to describe how happy i feel, how much this means to all of us. SERIOUSLYYYY.
i really regret not going to school now, SHOULD HAVE WENT. then i could have ran around the school and just screamed my lungs out with fel.

its ok, fel promises to scream with me tomorrow first thing in the morning, whatever about the keeping quiet during assembly. ZOMG HAHAHAHAHAHA



<3
nymd is the love. just pure, pure love (:
I LOVE YOU GUYS, IN CASE YOU STILL DON'T ALREADY KNOW.

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO.



WHO WANTS TO SCREAM WITH ME CAN CALL ME. ANYTIME.


10:14 PM

what's the use when you pretend to be so sensitive and understanding - to strangers and people you don't really know, but don't really give a damn about the ones close to you?

what's the use, really?



when a kid builts -block by block- a tower that stumbles in the end; you can't just point at the last block and say it was the cause.


still, they fall, and there are consequences.



i don't know when/what to tell you, how to tell you, or whether i should just brand your name in my mind as hyprocrite.

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

i love you love you guys, i don't want to leave. T.T
not after so much..

in true love beauty has no boundaries- and you know just how beautiful we are together, as one, in reflection in training in war and in victory.

and i just know we'll claim the victory, we will will will.


love<3

to mention, mr gordon is the best best best bestest nicest greatest teacher we will ever have. WE WERE ALL SO TOUCHED. :'(



and now let us think just how we're going to leave you guys...




because Dancing bonds,
So love, won't you dance with me again tonight/

10:20PM

LOADS

HAPPENED.

twisted my ankle, quite badly, nicely on wednesday morning
so grading'll have to go - along with that blackbelt.
(daaaaarn)

kissed them sweet goodbyes in an absent minded jump backstage.
NO I WASN'T HAVING FUN OK FELICIA. but yea its so STUPID. like felicia said, i can fly through all the complicated stuff easy and get my ankle badly twisted from a stupid simple HOP.

really, shirley.
(well, at least it was when i was teaching someone so, at least there's a benefit Somewhere.)


but now, my ankle's still not strong but im really trusting in God.

i know He didn't bring me so far just to let things fall away because of one ankle. He'll bring me through, and carry me through the dance (:

which badly twisted ankle heals at so exceedingly fast a rate? its miraculous, really by the spirit of the Lord :)

and even though its frightening, but it has been peaceful and fulfilling as well, learning to trust in Him through this. :)



*


syf is in 2 days time. no, considering the time now, its in a day and a night.
(SCREAMS) the pressure's oh so building up but we're strong as a group now, there's no regrets, nothing left but for us to give it all.

im so proud of all of us, on how far we've came. even though we started off as being quite segregated but LOOK AT US NOW. (: its all just so amazing, really.

this will be fel's/my/enrui's last big performance before we're let off officially from dance, and i know all of us will never ever forget this whole experience. i can't describe it, but this is so real, so..precious.

we can do it, really. we've already come so far from the past.

but no matter what we'll get, no matter the judgement of others, no matter the colour of that medal - we all know there's something more substantial and more real than all of that.

inside all of us, together.

so lets just go all out, and go out with a bang.
and the stage is where we will wage our war :)


GO MODERN DANCERS, THE STAGE IS OURS.




21/04 , 6:31pm

one, let me try to sort out my thoughts.

for once, im agreeing that keeping in is not going to be of any help. i know these messed up feelings churn and churn and churn inside and become emo-fied messes SO I SHOULD STOP TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP STUFF IN.

or more of, i should start breaking this habit of mine.


i'll admit i do get jealous easily, i'll admit i never saw your affection / fatherly love / speck of concern -and perhaps im short of sight-, and i'll admit its hard to swallow if you remember her birthday and get her a present, and forgot all about mine.

maybe its my fault that im equating your love to birthday presents, but i don't know what else to equate it to.

when you talk either you're scolding me or blaming me for their childish fights, and i think over time i grew to never really like talking to you.

i habour this simmered anger towards you that seems to always be there, and i think i'd tried hard enough to extinguish this bitterness, but it only takes so little to trigger everything.

i know you're hard of expressing, but can't you say something direct? for once?
so i can stop reading the little little things, like birthday presents, like how you ask about her and never of me, like how it'll always be my perfectionism that i have to sleep late doing work- and that its a problem with her school when she sleeps late doing hers.

like how you remember her birthday and cleanly forgot mine.

i'll go for camps, celebrate my birthdays there, come back, and have nothing mentioned back home. comparing with the hugs first thing in the morning from beaming friends, the surprise they planned at the stroke of midnight, singing something they know i love, giving something they hope i'll like, all the smses and every effort, no matter big or small.

i'll think back and i really feel like crying, i never expected all that.

its not that i like receiving all that attention, or crave after material things to measure love, but i don't think i ever felt that back home my existence was treasured.

i know i am treasured, somehow, but how are you supposed to think after you've compared the effort outsiders make and effort your own family makes? when i never asked of anything from both of them

truly, More Than Words.

and i thank God, because of every approaching birthday i'll pray to God that i wouldn't be dissappointed, or feeling lonely on my birthday, and i'll secretly pray for a birthday present i know he'll never hesitate to give. and he answered everytime i prayed - these 2 years were the happiest birthdays i could experience.

ive learnt not to expect anything, to learn not to harbour expectations so as not to be dissappointed, but the difference is hard to accept, as much as i'll want to avoid it.

i wouldn't cry for a birthday celebration, i don't really want to leave that bad memory hooked to every birthday i'll celebrate at home later on. i don't think i can cry either, pride'll stop me before anything else.

and i'll like to think that somehow it'll be easier to manage that bloody streak of jealousy if i sorted it out here. pieced the painful parts and make sense of it, convincing me things ive gradually lost faith in.

i hate cakes, you know that, but i'll gladly eat it if you bought it for me, on my birthday.


and before i go, i'll like to wish a happy belated birthday to my sister, Jessica Lee Mei Hui, whose birthday fell on the 7th of April.

i didn't forget you know, but i couldn't bring myself to tell you that.


10/4, 9:43PM

deleted.
cause its just a post of trying to keep in everything whilst trying to figure the mess out. (with the latter minimaly done, haha)

8/4, 11:54PM

i think, He wanted to show me how far He'd brought me.

and although things from the past may still make me weak in the knees, numb in my feet,
i know He's carried me for so long, and He'll continue to work in me.



i must admit, sometimes i feel like im leading a double life. and i don't think i can eradicate this on my own, so Lord i really really need you like never before. or, like always before.

trying so hard to prove im worth something, forgetting that in His eyes we are all already so precious, is always a trap i'll fall unconsciously into. especially nowadays with all the hectic rushing like nuts.


hmmm. God still have lots to clean up for me.

:)



this week i am accident prone. snapped my glasses, effectively twisted one ankle, then the other some time after. and i got a bit emo cos of the stress and mopped around abit.

sigh. the stuff here and coming:

MATHS + CHEM CATCHING UP/UNDERSTANDING
LIT PROJECT - PRESENTATION AND ESSAY
BROWN BELT GRADING
SYF
MIDYEARS
COURSEWORK


i need super human strength.


7/4 8:43PM

something i stumbled across that spoke to me:

A: Im so afriad that i'll fall sooon.
B: Take courage ,soldier of the cross!
A: But this week's been fine, but i had to pray and do so much. What if my feelings, hurts, and what-nots all come back suddenly.
B: They wont, because right now God's healing you every moment. It takes time,
but surely you believe in His perfect plans and timing. All you need to do is
have that faith that many of us lack.


God
please give me

faith that you will carry me through
hope that we cannot see, to trust despite all circumstances
love that no one can ever fill
peace that calms my soul
rest for my weary spirit




sometimes i wonder how everything fell so fast, all in a day
i feel like fire in a downpour.

no, not feel. Am

i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you

i need you Lord, thats all i need. thats all i need.


3/4 11.00PM

Endlessly by B44



don't search for the lyrics, don't try listening for them real hard either, they're quite sad. but guess what! i like songs of this genre (: oh i could listen to this song over and over and over and over and over.


AND,
TODAY WAS THE OFFICIAL HANDING UP OF THAT VISUAL ARTS TASK TO CAMBRIDGE.

it is truly a cause for celebration. WE HAVE BEEN UNDER ITS TORTURE FOR FAR TOO LONG. 3 months, to be exact. 3 long, long months, but actually i've really learnt a lot through this.

first above all is not to feed myself undue stress and do last minute rush work again. Thank God i could complete it this time round, it's pushed me to try finishing my coursework by JULY.

much as i complain though, this visual arts task (the actual proposal and all the designs) have left quite some deep emotional sentiments. because of everything we (as the olevel AEP students) have gone through together, what ive learnt (it was some hard lesson ><), and what God revealed and demostrated through the course of this.


so as this ends today ive to rise up and face the mountain of homework ive been pushing aside to make time for this- all the work ive to catch up with. an amaths test this thursday, teachers to answer to for skipping classes to do VAT, dancedancedancedancedance, grading!, MIDYEARS.


hahahaha, everything's just a never ending cycle really. and everything changes, everything looks worth pursuing for. and if we just end up chasing after everything that glitters we'll be left drained, our soul empty in the nights we've to face.

so im really more and more convinced, that the only thing that true and actually worth time pursuing hard, is God.


so this year, im studying hard for God. he shall be my mentor and counsellor and guide. and tutor, especially for maths.

<3


but God, i need help, to help me curb this never ending desire for that one thing, something i've struggled by myself for too long, something only you know

2/4, 10:56pm