i was going to go on and on about:

-how it doesnt help that my mom's constantly saying that ive been growing fatter all the time

-how it doesnt help that she constantly comparing me with my younger sister; saying unlike her that my legs are too short, shoulder frame too small, getting fat/chunky. (just Again today, while watching TV)

-how it doesnt help that my mom and my younger sister are having this internal joke on "fatness" and everytime i mention the word "fat" (i.e Margarine on biscuit is unhealthy and fattening) they burst out laughing.



but. there's more to life then this whole fatty business. so, whatever.
jan's blog is encouraging. and the song there's nice too!


haha. it is interesting to note how we constantly think that the grass on the other side of the fence is, well, greener.

but is it??

friction friction friction.

friction in the house. will produce heat, cause wear and (ultimately) tear.


dependence does not equal love. does not equal. does not equal!! someone has to get that in their head/soul/mantality. i don't want to judge..but that is what ive observed. thing is, sadly perhaps.. you'll not listen to me.

ohwell.


one must not be too oversensitive. being highly defensive only reveals something about oneself. (HAHA i should stop the use of ONESELF in case i sound like some...old jap yoga teacher from the high-misty-mountains or something)

was going around reading blogs... and ouch, haha. i can just imagine the pain. but i'll not start sighing again instead start to hope, because there IS hope! yeah. haha :D


this week was pretty meaningful, learnt how that going for missions is not about just suddenly DOING STUFF on that day like some miracle, but by already starting to "prepare" in our daily walk. so yeah! small goals this week. to:

-not exaggerate about myself. not to lie about myself to gain acceptance. because i don't have to! we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

-not spend so much time on the internet. (which reminds me, i should be going in 5 mins)

-swallow unhappiness WILLINGLY and learn to let go. WITHOUT WANT FOR REVENGE (haha)

-and most important of all! perservere in quiet time!!!!!


everything's so hard...and i struggle things so numerously large and difficult. but i thank God for the opportunity for me to pray and want change!


on saturday service during the partake of the bread and wine, a line struck me deep..
for some reason...it was always so often heard it seemed so..normal, something routine? but at that moment out of God's grace i caught a glimpse - of the truly overwhelming meaning behind the line,

"...This is my body, broken for you..."
and i couldnt stop crying at that snap of the biscuit broken beneath my fingers


its just, so amazing..

Squirrels over a fireplace
twirling
tumbling
crying

a slash across the other.
faces agast,
in the light

blood ticking with the
theatric time
wait for curtains to
float a fall

while eyes
stare
only at the moving streaks
across the stage-

they
forget the shadows on the ground

that fly along,
together

__________________________________


hahaha. i shall not speak of my attempt at controlling my going online hours. its not totally bad..improved a little at least.

there's so much overdued and going-to-be-dued homework! i think im going to get heartburn or something...from stress? i just realised i don't REALLY know where i want to go after olevels. that is quite bad.


ha ok. i shall just concentrate on eoys now first. there's barely a month left... and i am so not going to do badly like last year again.

nut-es. i don't even know why im typing all this im typing now.


there's no meaning in this world. and im so sick of chasing after everything that seems to promise happiness, or seems nice to have/attain/achieve. only to realise that you're not really happy even with it after that?

evelyn and i are sorely lacking in motivation in school nowadays. ive been feeling like this since term 2,which is not good. and i don't know whats wrong.


other then the usual fewmanymanymany subjects we're all obliged to learn to mastery, i don't know why im actually Going to school at all.

or, fine. that's the purpose of school huh. -LEARNING- well thanks a lot.


ohgreat im turning angsty again. OHOH, and i realised something - i sleep with a frown.... its weird but i have no idea why it comes naturally whenever i close my eyes. and comes back whenever im not consious about it.

that's not good isnt it? ahwell.


i think...i need a farm. with chickens and horses and all.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Stars shining bright above you,
Night breezes seem to whisper, I love you,
Birds singing in the sycamore tree,
Dream a little dream of me.

Just say goodnight and kiss me,
Oh, hold me tight and tell me you miss me;
While Im alone and blue as can be,
Dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear,
Still craving your kiss;
Im longing to linger till dawn, my dear,
Just saying this:

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you,
But in your dreams whatever they be,
Dream a little dream of me.

Say nightie-night and kiss me,
Oh, hold me tight and tell me you miss me;
While Im alone and blue as can be,
Dream a little dream of me.

Dream a little dream of you and me.



this is a beautiful song (:
ohoh im in love with jazzz

the big problem with me now is my time management. and it totally sucks, so it totally screws up my life.


FIRSTLY and most horrifyingly terrible is the time spent online. doing nothing really, just talking blogging reading doing nothing around and murking near the edge of a dark mud pool i'll be stuck and drowning in later/

i spend way over 10 hours per week online. DOING NOTHING WORTH THE TIME. and that is just; indescribaly terrible prioritising.

so to solve the problem. all work to be done on the computer (eg. typing stuff) will be done in school. where virtually every thing that can suck the time out of your life is banned. like MSN, friendster, and whatever whatever. MSN ESPECIALLY

and every week im limiting myself to just 3 hours of going online. 3 HOURS PER WEEK ONLY. and that works to only 1 hour and half hour slots every visit. im recording and sticking the times to the back of my computer, damnit.



right. okay.
there is no secondly or thirdly. that's just about the most humongous time pest infesting my timetable right now.

AND the most tempting AND the most difficult to resist. since i always follow my HEART rather then my MIND. and that sounds romantic for a character portfolio by the way, but is really bloodily inconvinient.


sounds really easy, and beautifully planned out too!(like many of those exercise routine plans) but it's just difficult. ive tried before (and failed,obviously); its like trying to breathe in water.
or breaking free - from some heroin addiction, or some drug that's got people escaping from hospitals recently.. what is it called again? some...subflex or something.

yeah. so im struggling with it. and i know later this week i'll probably have to inveigh against my conscience..


but yeah. im determined not to rely on my own strength again this time round..

all i know is that im lost without you. lost in an internally universal scale.

maybe i need a universal indicator..
which reminds me. there's a chem test tomorrow im quite dead for.


so, im potentially dead and definately lost. ah, great:)

there's no school tomorrow :) perhaps i love Founder's Day afterall


i am so in love with STRING INSTRUMENTS. hahaha..in my class everyone's messing around with all SORTS of string instruments from guitars to guzhengs to double basses to violins ((: and everyone's learning. HAHAA there's so much to fiddle around with!

i love my musical class <3


lol im learning the chords on a guitar, 3 a day :D and TRYING to learn the stupid violin..lol. and today i learnt do ray me fa so la ti do all 7 strings and where they are on the guzheng ((:

there are currently; 2 violins, 3 guitars, 1 guzheng, 2 C.O. guitar like things XD, 1 C.O. fiddle like thing, 1 double bass. and its CRAZY when everyone's playing at the same time during free time :D


love my class man:)
*i miss my piano :(

and i think the violin is so romantic? hahaha/

The Way You Look Tonight

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

You're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fears apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
Touches my foolish heart.

Yes you're lovely, never, ever change
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fears apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
Touches my foolish heart.

Yes you're lovely, never, ever change
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight.
Just the way you look tonight.
Darling
Just the way you look tonight.

----------------------------------------------

haha.. michael buble is so the love (:
song's absolutely beautiful. lyrics not very meaningful though. yea, but the song is so stylishly soothing.

hahaha i think im serious falling deep into the charms of the 80s golden jazz classics, baby X)


drawing on a shade darker, T.S Eliot is the tragically brilliant:)
print this out and devour on empty pockets of time, if you wish; there's a lot to make sense of.

The Waste Land


"These fragments I shore up against my ruin..." T.S Eliot

oh, on the waste land indeed

went to the Malaysian High Commission today to get my passport renewed. they've totally rebuilt the place from that old building. its really prettily done up now, with marbled polish floors, this beautiful waterfall over a smooth black slate and nice cold aircon.

its a big different from the last time i went there. it used to be like this really rundown place with no aircon and this aluminium thing as the shelter that TRAPS heat. and the system'll be slow so you gta wait a long time/ now its just like spore's, fast and all, yeah (:


hahaha...leanne's birthday's on SATURDAY! stupid me didnt remember so i just smsed today just incase telling her to pretend today's the big day :DD

LOL

yay i miss leanne! dance is just so boring without you. but MAYBE its a good thing :( forces me to go ard and mix with more people...

okay. i am not slacking here. i am online with a cause and now im just waiting for xueying to finish her part of the argumentative essay and send it over.

WHILE WAITING THOUGH. this is from justina's blog. and jason's done it too. geez its just been done so many times....but then again, im BORED. so there. justifiable.

______________________________________________

bold the statements that are true to you.
italicise the statements that you WISH were true.

i miss somebody right now. *i bet everyone does. thats sad huh.
i don't watch TV these days.
i wear glasses or contact lenses.
i love to play video games. *helps hand-eye coordination you know
i've tried marijuana.
i have been in a threesome.
i have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
i believe honesty is usually the best policy.
i curse sometimes. *not very good ar
i have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
i carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
i'm TOTALLY smart. *i HALF want to be totally smart. half.
i've broken someone's bones.
i'm paranoid sometimes. *to certain things, yea
i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
i need money right now.
i love sushi. *sadly, i love milk and cheese and icecream. which is totally...forget it.
i talk really, really fast. *i so freaking want to do that!
i have long hair. *half long?
i have lost money in las vegas.
i have at least one sibling. *2, actually
i have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
i couldn't survive without caller id
i like the way i look. *i just wish it true for all the time.
i am usually pessimistic.
i have a lot of mood swings.
i have a hidden talent.
i'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
i have a lot of friends. *guess so, but few close ones
i am currently single.
i have pecked someone of the same sex. hahaha
i enjoy talking on the phone.
i practically live in sweatpants or pj pants.
i love to shop.
i would rather shop than eat.
i don't hate anyone.
i'm a pretty good dancer.
i'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
i have a cell phone.
i believe in God.
i watch MTV on a daily basis.
i have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
i've rejected someone before.
i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
i want to have children in the future.
i have changed a diaper before.
i've called the cops on a friend before.
i'm not allergic to anything.
i have a lot to learn.
i have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger. *define "have been with"?
i am shy around the opposite sex.
i have tried alcohol before. *it really sucks
i have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
i own the "south park" movie.


sigh. its pretty boring after going through everything

and the essay hasnt come yet

so many things have been going so wrong, i feel like crying.

but i'll just pray..it's the only right there'll be around. and there's really nothing else that can solve anything, nor nothing else that can fill anything.


grading's on sunday. this has got to be the most unprepared grading im going. and the pretty list just adds on.

oh, and orchard's really depressing. shopping's just depressing too.
and i cant stand school holidays///



sigh. how can i find joy and peace in Him again

never thought to observe any similarities between my younger sister and me, we're not close.

but this morning waking up to shoutings -and what a wonderful way to start a day- i realised at the table while eating and looking at the way my mother scolded my sister...the tone, expressions and words were so familiar, i was taken aback. that mocking, that you-must-know-i-am-right-you-are-wrong tone.

i supposed i have never really looked at my mother scolding my sister before..but this morning i was right beside them. the breakfast/lunch/dinner table's round you see.


my younger sister was pushed to the corner in the midst of her circumstances by my mom. or, our mom. to teach her a lesson...to educate her, but personally i thought it was pushed too far.

looking my my sister's glistering eyes beneath that yellow lamp i could only feel a sense of helplessness. i did try...but there seems to be only one solution, and that one escape route blocked by mom. and there's just seriously nothing you can do.


its comforting, in an twisted kind of way that i realised with more clarity that someone shares that same bitterness inside. and at least she knows that i do understand, that someone's been through it and survived fine before, and she will too.

haha...i just truly realised this morning that we shared the same mother.



_______________________________

yesterday i was irritated. yes my tolerance level isnt high nowadays..

but you realise now that if someone doesnt bend towards you, deciding to go against your will instead, both of you will end up in a quarrel?

that's because you think that you are always right. or right most of the time. never did try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. you're nice and all, but this is something ive always found, and always used to tolerate.

but i snapped yesterday. perhaps that is my fault. i did not arrive with a mood as sweet as some heavenly cloud.
but politeness and respect to someone is important. the basis of our culture. so please do not treat some person like they are invisible just because you think they do not "deserve" it. if everyone was like that, the whole world would be terrible.

i am not the only one who says this, but ask people who have known you for quite some time, people you have a tendency to show the other side of you to. the world does not revolve around anyone.

i say all this because i want you to know. i can accept, i can tolerate, and yesterday my mood was foul-i was revengeful, snappish. but this is what i have thought of you for a long time, and at some point found out for myself even.

that the world does not revolve around one person alone. please spare a thought for others. thank you.

and do realise i still bother say all this because i still care, and as i write this i have more or less cooled down, to try not to be biased.


but know that sometimes truths do not sound all pretty to the ears. think all you may, i have done my part for you as a friend.

i havent done a lot of things in a very long time.
havent folded my skirt, screamed, cried my heart out, had fun, laughed heartily, hugged anyone, been free, thought about nice happy things. havent been late for school, havent been crazy, havently been un-bored downed with homework. havent spoken fluent chinese, havent been loving maths nor science, havent done a craft for nuts-es anyone. havent been tolerant nor patient, havent stopped being suspicious, havent stopped being quite horrid, havent gotten rid of terrible attitude havent totally let go, havent stopped worry since. havent not care so much about what people say of me. havent turned back to Him, havent found the way, havent danced with wild abondon.




havent

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words baby kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you



im falling in love with those golden jazzy songs and juicy voices like Michael buble's *licks lips*

HAHA

GO LISTEN! i love jazz baby(: