gah. theres so nothing to do/
haha, ok humour me; this'll be a quick one. today was the maths olympiad compeitition.


*BANGS HEAD ON WALL TILL I GET A HEAD CONCUSSION* next time i sign up for that again, kill me k?

--" the questions were HORRIBLE, UN-DOABLE. just YUCK ok. lol; im SO not cut out for these kind of torture T-T

and i had like this stomachache halfway through. which sorta woke me up abit. milk, i bet. now, THATS the consequence of not drinking your favourite brand of milk. AND trying to be healthier and eat cereal although it tastes yucky cos the old brand's out too.


someone's nickname is charming. oh dear :)

hahahahahhaha. i feel like practising my kicks now; and i so need to go for a freaking lot more extra trainings. but. THERE'S NO ONE TO GO WITH ME. and its horrible to go to the stupid friday class when you don't know anyone well there.

-sulk-

call it emotionally fragile or dependent or whatever I DON'T CARE. but i really need someone i KNOW to go with me. pretty please??? (lol mindy??) justina sure don't want de lor/ cos she got her calligraphy class :(

darn.

haiya. ok i'll go humour myself and practise some kicks till i get bored.

something interesting i stumbled upon while reading this really good book. Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman.

its a little like psychology, a study of the brain and how emotional intelligence can matter more then IQ. it is quite a tedious read though, but captivating nevertheless.


Thou hast been...
A man that Fortune's buffets and rewards
Has taken with equal thanks...Give me that man
That is not passion's slav, and I will wear him
In my heart's core, aye, in my heart of hearts
As I do thee...

-Hamlet to his friend Horatio


an introduction to the chapter named Passion's Slaves, it takes of the importance of temperance-the restraining of emotional excess, or temperantia in Greek, and it is what the Greeks hold in high regard of.

"The goal is balance, not emotional supression: every feeling has its value and significance." appropriate emotion, proportionate to circumstance.

thats just one of the many interesting chapters=)
but know what, i realised that sometimes theories clash...and the study of the mind is really much much more complicated then just some theory of one person in the book.

the book's avaliable in the school library(: but im so gonna get my own copy after i finish this.


hahahaha. mindy says im a freak. ohwell, its just an interest really. ]


there's nothing to do nowadays la....haha. mingyi's question that struck it home, "Then what do you do at home everyday???" haha lets see
-go online
-um. play?
-waste time by doodling
-watch tv!
-eat, sleep....watch tv?

i just practically waste my time la. so yea. ive to stop that. and i'll only go online every other day from now onwards. yea. must restrain**

okays. 've spent more then enough time here.

chill/

quarrelled with my mom yesterday night, quarrelled with her again the moment i sat my butt down for breakfast.

ive to control my temper.

not like i want to quarrel, but freak, sometimes i just cant stand the way she talks so accusingly/defensively/sarcastically/sneeringly.

maybe im no better. plus ive still to control my temper.

i cant stand quarrelling, but really, im not exactly totally polite and tolerant either. and when i just cant take it anymore the things i say are...well. not exactly nice to hear. ha, infact, they're horrible to hear-leaving the person 1.seething in his/her seat 2.or extremely hurt


im not proud of it. so not proud. although yiting says she tries to follow me when she was freaking pissed and quarelling with this room mate of hers ><

she was like, "i was trying to imagine how you would react when you were freaking pissed" ha.ha.ha.yay T-T


during aep we would talk a lot while doing art, and once zijing yiting told me that im very kong bu when im angry. i'll turn very cold, and act in a way that would make the other person even more angry without doing anything violent, or without bursting out. they said my tone would be horrible, in the cold and uncaring sense, a kind of you-can-be-angry-do-you-think-i-care kinda way. and what ever i say, even if it is a normal sentence, would sound so sarcastic.

the more aggressive people'll be so darn pissed fuming and volcano-ing in their seats.
nevermind the people who are softer.


i am so not proud of it. so not.
sometimes in my fury i'll say things that i regret so much afterwards...and i'll be very guilty, esp so if the person's hurt. or if i know that what i said had hurt. the worst thing is that sometimes i'll even do it unconsciously, i wouldnt even know. and it really really sucks afterwards when i finally realise. esp when you say sth hurtful to someone you care about and you didn't even mean for it to hurt so badly.

but it came out that way. and now i cant fix it totally can i? spilled milk's spilled milk. even as i try to take back what you've said, or sort of "make-up" for it, i know very well nothing can be totally fixed. a part of the hurt'll always be there.

and how many times it has happened. to how many different people.

sigh.
ive to so watch my temper, and my tongue.


im really,really,really sorry. though i above all know a sorry doesnt help/ what more mend a wound.

still, im sorry

0734PM

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-8

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Cor. 13:13.


Romans 8:39 - Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.


834PM

WHEE!

hey baby, its the JUNE HOLIDAYS. *SCREAMS*
SHUCKS. lol i cant seem to imagine not going to school and not waking up early for a MONTH. suck la school has POISONED me :D

im going to go CRAZY this month hahahahahahaha


okayokay *cools down
heh, i slept at like, 3 yesterday and IM STILL NOT DEAD! and i wasnt emo nor cranky today. *SCREAMS*

lol this rocks. thank God though, for so so much :)


kays,today the olevel classes had to host a couple of primary school kids (about 500?) for this bilingual competition. MAN it was boring once the novelty wears off :(. BUT I AM DETERMINED- to improve my chinese during the june holidays. suck la some of them can talk more fluently then me. haha.

anyways, after that had to slog in the lib for 3 hrs, for CIP. EEEEEW. but ive got one more session to go, and i kiss it goodbye~ muacks*


kkkkkk.

stuff i THINK of doing during junes
-improve chinese
-improve chinese!
-improve chinese!!
- :P (!!!)

-SIGN UP FOR DANCING CLASSES @Attitude(:
-learn image editing*, and html PROPERLY.(hopefully)
-save up, then SHOPPING!
-CUT MY HAIR. XD
-SLEEP AT 10.30PM EVERY NIGHT.(and wake up when i feel like it)
-train my pathetic stamina-_-
-PAINT! i havent painted like, since half a century ago
-try and like maths (unlikely) practise maths

what else?

OHYA
-start calligraphy lesson for the freaking NYAA T-T
-catch up on reading. read LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of books!


and ive to DRAG MY MOM TO THE LIBRARY WITH HER CASHCARD so i can make a new library card to start BORROWING STUFF u know. sickening la. she doesnt trust me with her cashcard. so mafan ://

oh AND
-call some people over to my hse to BAKE STUFF, straight from the sch lib receipe book for...experimentational fun XDD


KAYS. wows so many things to do during june:D plus all the stupid HOMEWORK and art project -___-


better go:)

today was quite a terrible day for me. maybe it was from yesterday/

came to school in quite a horrible mood, and the fact that my bag was super heavy cos i couldnt hold on to anymore stuff with my already full hands didnt help. and so i painstakingly trudged to school that way.


for literature we watched this really funny and kinda romantic show...(: so it was a little better i suppose. lol it was just freakingly lame la..hahaha, and we stayed over the class time to finish watching the show, eating over to the next lesson. but what the heck, the show was nice:) The Princess Bride. this quite cliche but heartwarmingly funny fairytale(:

recess was chicken porridge (which is VERY nice btw) with mindy and we talked and talked about stuff. realised i get pissed at people quite easily nowadays. my
temper's flaring.. and trust me, im really horrible when i make up my mind to be really pissed at someone. ha, go ask yiting and zijing. anyway, so fingers crossed i'll try not to get pissed myself and have more patience and tolerance.


oh. after recess things went downhill all the way...and when lunch came i was just. being withdrawn again. locked myself in the library and sketched stuff. i think evelyn and valerie were trying to be nice and talk to me but i was just clamming up. so in the end they left me alone :D

which is good, or any stuff that comes out of my mouth'll be harsh anyway.


physics..mdm toh was a little funny. but dry nevertheless. and cca after sch cos there wasnt aep. il rather it this way always. anyway.

ARGH the LAST day of curriculum in school before holidays and im just STRESSED ok. im just so freakingly stressed its killing me. there's just so many things to do its like never ending. and so many things before the holidays, during the holidays, after the holidays, i wonder if it'll even be a holiday anymore.


yesterday was idiotic. felt so tired after njd, not the refreshing kind of exhaustion, but more of a nearing breakdown point kind of physical drain. plus the stress...and then you start to get emotional...haha. maybe jason's right. i AM angsty.

typed smses that were never meant to be sent, deciding after whther i should send it afterall, thinking about so much stuff that's been suppressed for so long, deciding if the stupid art thing was worth my sleep, flopping into bed in the end w/o doing anything - still deciding whether to send the smses, fell asleep deciding and woke up feeling like ive never slept.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. i need scream therapy. or someone's shoulder to cry on. or URGH I DON'T KNOW. ALL THE STUFF TO DISAPPEAR. SO THE STRESS'L DISAPPEAR TOO.

freak. stress makes you emotional.

25MAY 836PM

A ray above my stride

One day, as i sigh

A strength as strong as black

As great to such a loss

Will no one understand

Will not one come to fair

For even as the ray precedes

I cannot fathom thee.


"Do not grieve for me" ?



For someone i can only imagine the grieve of, but will never understand. not now at least, and not for a long, long, long time to come.



she came too young for it to crash upon her world

today's so weird. just so weird.
i feel like im neither anywhere. not here, nor there...

i don't know whether i should be happy or sad. or whether i should be happy or sad that im neither happy nor sad. LOL// THIS IS SCREWED!

-okays-


the IP people had sabbaticals while the poor olevels us had normal curriculum. and that sucks. esp when you see people learning roller blading in the quadrangle while you walk from your chemistry lab class. very sad.

but thats for the sec1/2 only i think. (heard that the sec 3 sabbatical option sucks) muahahaha.


we watched a movie during chinese...this singapore-made movie.
the plot's quite gan ren..valerie cried la. and almost did but quickly detach myself from the atmosphere to smile and tell val "its just a movie". lol/ cannot cry mah, very paisey.

there was this HORRIBLE scene about this gang raping this girl. they pushed her into a cubicle after spiking her drink while she was dizzy and all..and took turns to one by one go into the cubicle and do horrible horrible horrible stuff to her- and coming out looking so smug. GOSH they have no..SOUL.

she couldnt even scream, nor even put up a fight, and there were 3 or 4 of them...so you imagine after going through the HORRIBLE experience of one the guy comes out and a new eager guy goes in. and she has to take everything in all over again.
SUCK LA IT WAS TERRIBLE TO WATCH. gosh..


and they showed her in the end...just so numb and..URGH the feeling is horrible. and she's just crying and crying and crying afterwards in the cubicle nonstop.. and she committed suicide in the end.


although our chinese teacher told us how little courage she has, committing suicide because she cannot face up to her problems and all. but...i don't know. its just, really really really horrible.. and i don't know how anyone is going to live with it with only her own strength. i really don't.

although dying isnt a solution, i don't blame her for committing suicide, with her situation. sigh,gosh. it so horribly horribly tramatizing.


ha. and today i realised that someone's judgements are harsh. can't stand it. and its hurting. but the only understanding i can give you is maybe you don't realise the implications because your life's been so happy?.
no little Speck of understanding nor compassion at all. sheesh. but forget it.


maybe sometimes its better to keep your own mouth shut in the first place.

i left home yesterday at 8.35am and reached home at 11.30pm

cca in the morning, and i spent the hour afterwards in the dance studio trying to do my right yoyaksu. ha freak la. maybe girls just arent meant to jump as high as boys.

nevertheless. i always find it easier to practise with a mirror. can see your mistakes you know. and the air con is a +++++. lol. and im less afraid of falling in the dance studio. don't ask me why.


anw, changed and rushed to cityhall mrt by 2 to have a prayer meeting at st. andrew's cathedral. GDOP! Where would you be on 4th June, 7pm? global day of prayer -lets all be on fire for God and pray for the nation!

after that we went to marina south/marine parade (i really don't knw which) to have STEAMBOAT. YUMYUM. it was a rocking WG outing. LOL there was laughing all the way there and back everything :DD

and NATALIE CAN COOK LA. FOR SOME REASON THE STUFF SHE COOKS ALWAYS TASTES NICE/ i cant T-T.that aluminium foil always became black when i cook, so i gave up and started throwing stuff in the water to boil:D but doesnt matter, i took all the meaty food natalie and julia cooked:D

miriam is like a mother hen! heh. anw,i was like being hyper and exasperated with something she said/did (forgot what) and she suddenly smiles sweetly and pat my cheeks using both hands and smiles again in this motherly way. O.O

stacie kept calling me seaweed-___- or shrimp-___- (internal joke i do not find funny. apparently, everyone else thinks so *pout*). JULIA AR> kept debating with me about my cousin SHRIMPS. *smacks her*

jaime ar, keep smssmssmsing i thought she was smsing me when my hp vibrated -______- AND THEN RIGHT, she was doing that L for Loser hand thingy whenever i said sth. until i showed her a 3 dimensional Loser. then she was so stunned laughing she had nothing to say :D

steph was being very random. and she's freaking tall la. she laughs at stuff other ppl do not. and tells natalie how funny they are. LOL/ michelle was reading this MANGO fashion mag on the mrt, and out of ~randomness~ i said rambutan, and she burst out laughing so hard while saying omg its not funny. LOL she's humourous:D

NICOLE! i was holding on to this live prawn (by the feelers thingy) and looking the other way talking some rubbish when the prawn shook violently. when i turned around ar i saw nicole acting like she didn't know anything. and i was going to tell nicole, "PLEASE DON'T BE LAME??!?!" when I SAW THE PRAWN JUMP IN MY HAND BY ITSELF. O.O proceeded to throw it into the water, then it didnt jump anymore :D

okays, michelle our WG grown up leader was so hawaiian! with her rattan basket bag looking like a picnic basket. and yellow top with this leafy skirt :DD she's damn cute la, still being like this high school girl; and her bf tagged along, who talked A LOT of rubbish and ate all the crab. ok la, he was nice enough to kill and wash the crab for us :D and then ate very little. LOL


then after that we went all the way back to westmall to watch poseidon! WEE IT ROCKED OK. a MUST WATCH>>> and there were like SUCH a long queue of ppl waiting to watch the Da Vinci code. *no comment* its FICTION. even the book's placed on the fiction part of the book shelf.

ha, we bought 2 milk cartons and an apple with aloa vera carton (combo) and smuggled them in :D so unglam you know, drinking from cartons :D


ah, yesterday rocked like no body's business. lol

im having that korean ramen again!=) i think im eating too much of that though. OHWELL. i love it ((: its FABULOUS comfort food.

okays. after this i'll go have GRAPES! i think im addicted to that too u know. and scout the fridge for milk/ sad though, i finished my fav brand yesterday. so maybe i'll have to make do with a not as nice brand:(


:D my mom would SLAUGHTER me if she ever finds out im eating all these infront of the computer in her bedroom.
just yesterday she was hollering at me for eating french fries my dad bought in her room (but since my dad gave it to me i said well he brought it to me ^^)

EW.
i just checked the fridge. only chocolate milk:( and that horrible full cream milk. yuck. good thing there was yakult.


eee.my blog entries' time's all screwed.

oh n our chinese teacher's really really nice! and bubbly and cute also :D lol..
anw she says i write my compositions like its directly translated from english. in other words, the structure's all screwed -_-

WELL ANYWAY. on the good note she says it has content, but its the kind that would sound nice in english. :( OHWELL. am i surpirised? LOL


generally, my chinese cant really make it la. IM GOING TO IMPROVE IT DURING THE JUNE HOLIDAYS. (haha; thats what i say for EVERY june holiday:D)


WEEEE i shall watch memoirs of a geisha after this. cos i FINALLY GOT TO BORROW THE DISC! ok FINEE i know im slow but. WHO CARES>



ITS A FRIDAY!!!! *SCREAMS*

4.17PM 18MAY

so proud of myself for being very strong today :)

with my hip being terrible- i carried a lot of THICK DESIGN MOTIFF BOOKS THAT MRS TEO CURSED ME WITH gave me all the way home. after staying back all through with her discussing about the project- till after like, 7?

walked to the side gate and found it to be LOCKED. so had to walk all the way to the other end of our beautifully huge school and make a HUGEHUGE detour. a TOTAL u-turn. wasey. walk until can die. i mean, without my bag and all the THICK BOOKS i had to carry i was already limping badly. what more with? haha.

half way through it was so bad was praying desperately out loud halfway through the red track. found out that the sky was very very pretty by the way:)


and by God's grace i managed to get into a rhythm. and if i thought about it, its amazing because i realised that after a while my hip wasnt hurting anymore... (: i mean i didnt realise then cos i was lost in my thoughts...but the pain was negligible enough not to disturb my thoughts.. :))

realised i'd climbed the stairs so normally...i mean GOSH, mindy knows how bad it was earlier today when i had to climb stairs up and down the stupid library(or maybe she was too busy talking to notice-_-). on the FOURTH floor. and for 2 times for two different lessons somemore. it was SO crazy ok.

i felt old and creaky today.


and my fren tells me i probably have weak bones and joints with my wrist, shoulder, leg and hip being like that. and so im gna have osteperosis (how to spell) when im grow old. such a nice comment right.

anyway i reached home safely and without considerable pain.

lol. and maybe im not that proud of myself "being so strong" anymore:D more of ever so thankful for His love:)

after njd again!
always get a high from it. ha, anw though. God is amazing...haha:)

haiya! my hip hurts a lot.gah. hope its ok by tomorrow. im watching a show by of leonardo! haha, he's a GENIUS. but behind it lies the strongest will.


heh, he cant meet deadlines! LOL-
ok nvm :D


ohyea, WEE i can mirror write! with my right hand la. my left hand is not controlled at all:D and then i realised that the mirror writing was a practical thing for him cos he was left handed... but :( aiya nvm la.

oh sigh oh sighhhhhh. i'll never be that talented. but wells. haha, nvm i'll follow His greater will; and it'll be greater than anything.


-_- ok la FFINE maybe sometimes i assume too much. ohwell, what to do? lol/// im pissing people off la.

i think milk is so the best comfort food Ever. esp if drunk after this korean ramen instant noodles <3 and mind you. there's a SPECIFIC brand one ok.

ha and i should just stop peeling my lips. i get so caught up in my own thoughts and peelpeelpeel when suddenly i'll be like, OUCH. and i link my lips and goooossh there're bleeding.
*annoyed* why must the skin on our lips be so thin.


today i hugged justina!X) a very bigg meng3 hug during assembly! lol...(= and i got to tell jasmine that i missed her -halfway during the stupid chinese excursion. since a lot of classes were all mixed together.

she said she missed me too! yay:D -but it started on sunday only la -_- idiiot.

and jolyn! ha didnt get to talk a lot to her, but she came to crap with huilin and me while we were rushing art stuff-_- and it was so siao it was like the good old times again:)


during the dumb trip i also got closer to valerie! this girl that sits beside me in class...and =) im just so thankful for that. we talked lots about stuff that's quite close to our hearts...and well. :)wee thank God!

talked to julia just now too! through the phone while coming back from school; until she had to go comfort that someone else..haha

:)
it was a beautiful day, and now there's just that one more person..but, haha it just feels so impossible, and so complicated.. sometimes i just wished everything was simple like when we barely knew each other.

nevertheless, thank God so much for every single person He has placed in my life for love, learning, and steering me to His will -even as it comes so indirectly:)

0633PM 16May

i miss a lot of people, a lot.

for some reason when i read justina's entry i missed her a lot. ha...whether she reads this or not, *hugs* -im gonna hug her the next time i see her. sigh.

miss a lot of other people too. some i wouldnt even have the chance to say this to/


so many people have been drifting away, sometimes i wonder if its because im not good enough- this deep seeded doubt that's so difficult to get rid off. and it affects a lot of things, drains a lot too.

ha...im so glad the june holidays are coming. all of us are getting tired...its so evident. weary and tired and...well just really tired. and a lot of people are all getting sick too.


i feel like crying. im not...afraid to admit that now...i guess. but i know i won't. HA:D i feel like im crapping here. but..ahh i don't know. crying probably does good..or, it REALLY does good.

last saturday after so so so long in church i finally let everything out..and to julia who was there and understood everything. and it was nice..to not try and be so strong all the time.


its so tiring trying to be strong. not that im purposely doing that to force? it out. but its just in my character i guess. sometimes i complain so much..but its just for the sake of complaining i know, and how many times do i actually breakdown mentally or emotionally?

ive to thank God for that.

but sometimes i know what i want is just understanding. like jolyn says..stimes i share not to ask for sympathy, but just the comfort of knowing that someone understands. haha...understanding. maybe its me, but most of the time i feel no one understands. except God. and maybe it is because of this that i am so, so, so grateful for His love sometimes.

and that's something not to cry about.


blabber blabber blabber. this is crappish. ha.

1047PM 15may

-_-

for a FULL account of what happened on vesak day for us poor things who had to go all the way to the other side of Singapore to do art stuff with ppl from another school (fajarGREENRIDGE!!!! lol)-
read DEVON'S(qiaowei) BLOG ENTRY. i just read it. and its like. WA SO DETAILED. but quite amusing all the same :D

lol i didnt even bother! -and anyway i did a very paiseh thing on that day. which dearie devon didnt fail to put IN LARGE. sickening.

*that is the result of doing things last minute. like signing and actually reading the consent form only when you're walking to the bus stop*


CHURCH TODAY
was great as usual. its so true, confessing heals. haha...and confessing, talking about our problems and troubles to one another really really made us closer, more bonded and made us all feel much much better...

God rocks(= like nothing else. and <3 these people(= after that we all went to lot1 to get mothers' day stuff/ and lol it was so cool, just eating and shopping and bonding!

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...

thank you father(:

so this week wasnt really an easy week to get by, so will the coming weeks, or future random weeks. but all the same, as matt says, pray for less of me and more of God. so we'll not only live for ourselves, but for His purpose and will.

He encourages us on, in this pursue for righteous in Him, (not self righteousness) and supports us, loves us and encourages us to press on despite failures and hardships, that we might endure and one day get to be with Him:) cos He loves us so much..

and im not gonna be angry anymore..sometimes maybe i don't understand everything. or even if i have every reason to be angry...well it doesnt glorify God and doesnt go with His desire and will.. so YEA. shall make a concious effort to keep that in check. *check

im so thankful that Da Vinci code's NC16...but im worried still for those 16 this year and older. but im sure God has all His greater purpose for this. like ale said, its so easy to believe that history is altered since it is the victors that write their thoughts...but its not.

ha...we need to be a praying, listening generation.

wa crazy la. yesterday i was crazyily emo. haha. stress ?

anw. today was so freaking tiring after the whole rubbish thing; when i was going home on the bus i fell into such a deep sleep the auntie beside me couldnt wake me up to let her get out><

when i finally did wake up (she was looking very anxious already) i forgot i was holding my hp and practically just flunged it on the ground. it produced such a loud sound i thought it was my water bottle la ><

and in the end, i missed my stop and had to walk all the way back ><


when i finally got home, i just seriously fell flat on my mom's bed and slept all the way till 8. and now im feeling humane. although still a bit drowsy..GOSH. i feel like sleeping EXTRA EARLY today.

*

there was that fajar sec. and nanyang girls' collaboration art session no. 1 today, and im thankful they're all nice people:) quite sickening though they were taller than devon and me although they're just sec 2s T-T but NEVERMIND. RIGHT DEVON!

even though it cames with a crazy turbo energy absorber; but (: we sure learnt quite a bit from everything((: and i guess its all really worth it in the end(:
(worth all the wake-up-even-earlier-than-in-a-school-day rubbish)

*

hm..what else is there to say. a lot really, but non i'll care to put here.

haha, anyway.
i think im getting a bit obsessed with this. but after you know, ha. see who's the one trapped in ignorance.

okay. i shant start to sound accusive again. but it'll be good for you to know im not as dumb as you think i am.


[random] I WANT TO LEARN LEONARDO'S MIRROR HANDWRITTING [/random] heh. i'll see how long i take to master it/

im biting my lip and staring at the screen.
freak.

i don't know how to react, WHAT to react. when bad things come they pour in buckets. ha...im breaking down from all the stress. just when i have a headache. just when my eyes hurt from staring at the darn shining screen too long. just when im having major computer problems with work that's due tml morning, 8.00 sharp. just when ive to reach Raffles MRT by 8 in the morning tml.

***************************

argh, okay.
CORRECTION. i feel like breaking down any moment now. but i won't allow that to happen. breaking down is an option. and i am so not going to choose it.

X

there's a solution to everything. yes. *breathe*

a lot's been happening the past few days. i don't know what to believe anymore. neither do i want to think anymore about it. sometimes circumstances just forbid two people to come to an understanding.

im just so tired and exhausted. it saps more out of me then i would care to show. and it haunts me when i lie in bed at night with nothing else to think about...goshgoshGOSH. WHY MUST IT BE SO COMPLICATED.

why can't everything just be the bare stupid truth with no twists and turns and masks and URGH. what, EGOISM? *breathe* sigh, forget it. maybe sometimes i don't get the full picture, or i don't get to understand that person i suppose. so.....sigh, forget it. maybe its not what it seems just plainly to be.

but im tired. tired of always getting the cut. tired of tolerating everything. tired of feeling so bad because ive hurt people unintentionally. i really don't want to keep everything inside and burst afterwards into this emotional little dolly. can we please please just be direct please? please...?


shucks. *breathe*

people that are just playing this game with me that's getting nowhere. now i don't even know whether its for real or for a game. please, PLEASE think of the greater good please...? the greater good and what REALLY is practical.... so all of us don't have to suffer that much in the long term..


Argh. im overly emotional;overly sensitive.
overly dumb.

and going crazy.

maybe that's what stress does to you. make you feel stuff you never really felt, eh?

1209AM.12May

yesterday. i broke my orange cup
(WHAT WAS I DOING??!>>!>$<@!$# *BANGS HEAD*)

a cup ive been using for so long. timely? maybe.
no more orange strips in my life. only the normal, white bland stupid cups that scream "Free Your Mouth...For Hours". yay.

T-T my poor cup. for some dumbass reason i think i'll miss it. its GONE. i cant drink from it anymore. im keeping it though, with the broken off piece.

it sits on my table. maybe its staring at me.





at least its a clean cut. or i won't be able to keep it so nicely. ive to be thankful of that at the very least i suppose. that i don't have to throw it away.



some people ar. they think im dumb you know. they think im totally blur to small little things and they presume im just. well. DUMB. and that i cant get anything unless its right SMACK in my face.
WELL. if i choose to IGNORE it doesnt mean i don't notice ok. -_-

don't look down on me.

-

hmpft. some things of the human nature are just. incomprehendable. im BEYOND trying to understand, so i'll just leave it be. let you say what you want to say, i'l just play along and pretend i believe you then. and be nice and not point out stuff so that you won't be unanswerable to them.


sigh. you and your warped logic.

today was an... ums-i-don't-know kinda day. lets see.

the BAD things that happened.

i couldnt sleep last night at 2am >< even though i was supposed to be tired -_- so i smsed mindy and blabberedblabbered. and then she didnt reply me cos she was asleep, and so i had to talk to my thoughts until i got to sleep. when she did reply, she woke me up EARLY in the morning with her sms. -_-

circular measure quiz today. it sucked a lot. i mean a lot a lot a lot/ ive no MATH SENSE- so maths is like, extremely depressing nowadays. and there's a trigo quiz tml. *laughs coldly

I LOST THE STACK OF PHYSICS ASSIGNMENT 7. im like, quite dead. but im having faith He'll bring it back. so im not worrying...NEVERTHELESS> it is something BAD. well, for now at least(=

valerie cried while on the phone begging her sis to bring her home cos she had a really really bad headache and stomachache...and usually she's like really strong..

and now, guess what. my msn tells me ive to download the new version or i'll not be allowed to sign in. its called treachery. and -ok. the window just popped up saying my com cant support that newer version's system requirements. and i Still cant sign in. freak


the BETTER things that happened
(um. let me think)

um. i finished my chinese compo and handed it up on time? for once- that's considered i suppose.

my javelin doesnt travel perpenticular to its supposed direction anymore! today we were given time to practise. yay. made it.

had fun doing crap stuff with mingyi during social studies and crapping with other people like shiru during history. mingyi says im wild -_- and she refuses to pretend she's in a rock band with me. and she FREAKS ME OUT XP



and u know she was crawling out from under the teacher's table with her lllooonnnnggg hair untied. and we all screamed. and i was like OMG. she looked like that long hair ...THING...crawling out of the tv set in juon *shivers

ive learnt a lot of lessons the hard way this year. and another one today..T_T i didnt hand in an assign for history during term 1 and couldnt really be bothered after a while...so it really pulled my mark down like crap. T_T realised history is damn hard to score too, and that assign was like quite easy (as compared to ESSAYS.) *cries


...
today was a...i don't know.
ha...i don't know whether not being able to go on msn is a good thing, or not. i don't know whether things are good or not...i cant tell. i know im not avoiding the ...negative things happening, and trying to focus instead on the happier things. but..ha, sometimes i don't know la. i'll just leave it as that- that i don't know.


ah. here comes jolyn's sad canto song again.

sigh. i absolutely absolutely absoutely cannot do this alone. T-T
but its not just about me

ah. yesterday. i did something very hurting to someone...but it was...for the best. i don't think there was another living choice that was better for either of us.


ha...there was nothing wrong in the decision or explanation or whatever; but well. its just hurting.

and freak. im feeling very bad about it. how many times have i went through today asking myself over and over -was it; ultimately...the correct thing to do? shucks. i don't know.


i sure hope so. for now..i'll just close my eyes and surrender everything over to my heavenly papa. im sure he has his plans.

sigh. i never wanted to, but if its for the best in the long term...



sucker. this sucks
argh *scrowls, sadly*

ok.

i was feeling in quite a bad mood so that angst thing at the side ar made me quite irritated. BECAUSE it already feels bad enough without JASON saying its ANGST. >< for your infor. i MISS HER ok. freak u.

but after writing a whole argument on WHY THE TERM ANGST DOES NOT STAND (its freaking long) i finally cooled down. so jason, you're forgiven. but NEXT TIME I SEE YOU AR. watch out man. u forget you're not THAT much taller then me.

but i think its also cos im in a bad mood oso la so. yea. a bit sensitive to jokes ar.heh/
oh and ya. if you still want that argument, u can ask me to send it to you.=) im quite happy with it:)



hmm...
im very, very, very thankful for God's strength and wisdom to guide this hopeless me.. and finally i recognise; just how horribly lost and messed up i would be without Him. finally too, i realise the power and importance of prayer.

thankful i will be, despite all trouble and worries. what can seperate His great love that forever stands for us?

oh how many times have i broken Your heart
still You forgive, if only i ask
how many times have You heard me pray
(-its like, so so so applicable)

i don't want to turn away from Him everever again..

and whatever happens..He will guide our paths.

people've changed

people i once knew like the back of my hand, like that timetable in my file, like the...i don't know. but gosh. they've changed.

people that i used to care so much for, and had such a deep bond with, so long ago... and in some sense now you see that they've moved on without you, just like you without them, and because of that emotional bond that still lingers inside from so long before -you find your heart beating at the screen, and a subtle "you didnt wait for me..." breezes through your mind


i'd went to joy's blog...my primary school best friend. and...she was probably the only person i'd really opened up to during pri sch. we were always so close- we knew everything about each other, we spent all our free time together, our lives revolved around one another...

now i just don't know her anymore.., i read her entries and i don't recognise her....ha, the feeling's horrible. someone you treasure and love a lot, and you don't know that person anymore. and there's very little chance of the 2 of your worlds ever coming together..


and the heart wrenching part is that ive never told her how much i treasured her. haha...darn it. and now..now its like, the joy i knew's locked away in the past. AH.

u get this...unreachable feeling. like you knew a person a lot, yet you're never going to really reach out to that person. haha. freak la. just freak la. the feeling's horrible. -not being able to reach out to someone that you love.


maybe the feeling's the same when...a loved one dies.


T-T
the next time i meet people that i treasure a lot... i will hug them and tell them how much they mean to me. and that should we ever drift further than beyond our reach in the future...they still meant a lot a lot to me.
and that i'll never forget them. no matter what.


just like i havent forgotten joy

darn. lol jolyn's got me addicted to this canto song that's really nice and sad. haha...

and im gna get this jazz cd that's ohgoodness so freaking nice. like the style a lot:) it stopped me in my tracks yesterday to walk towards its source and ask for the cd


anw. ha..JIAYOU SEC 4s in olevel track who are gna have their prelims next week. well in nanyang at least. i think its quite important rite....? lol=) damn la. next year our turn le T-T

can wait to get out of ny quick

haha, or maybe not. i'll miss so many people...


today while packing my yellow file (it was getting too fat) i reread all the letter and cards and stuff that ive received from my dearest frens....and it so touching cos they were so sincere..

ha, THANKS justina ar for that BLACK HEART. lol actually i like it a lot although its not a very appropiate colour for valentine's day la -_- cos it was BLACK. and dear justina made a profound effort to write neater :D

and zijing's valentine's thingy always makes me laugh la. that idoit :)


and all the jolyn/mindy letters(= haha...and postcards! from ale, jolyn.

if i get to the jc im targetting...ha, den maybe only jolyn'll be left. or maybe even she will change her mind.
haha.

ha,consequences of not following the "perfect" route of ip.

i was feeling random just now, but not really now. so yea. i'll do my random stuff one day.. some other day.


hmm. sometimes ive to try and forget about the past you know. the past the past the past. it may sound like im trying to be one of those...yar. kinda people. but ha..sometimes the past really just drags me down. and ignoring those things don't help la. so yea.

and ive to stop being so stupidly affected because of certain ppl. its UNHEALTHY.

i wanna go watch grease, and westside story. two dance musicals.. and im going to go watch acjc dance restless 3!!! ((= *excited


anw. there was lib serv at bt batok today...and i did lots of stuff after that. but anw, i got myself a small fries (despite my sore throat) and vanilla icecream from mcdonalds. and the icecream made me veryvery happy(= haha...more of, contented((=

havent had a nice vanilla icecream for a longg time. haha..


today im quite happy. i add lots of illegal stuff (like potato chips) and of course fries without considerably making my sore throat much much worst. and (= i had the pleasure of filling my tummy with warm chicken porridge during recess amidst the cold rain.
it was a nicely comfortable day.hmms.


wells. ive just got to start letting go ehs? haha

MINDY TAN HONG YUE. okayokay lor VERY GOOD LOR take some outsider's side hor. u idiot.
*that was said in considerable love and kindness so don't get too upset kays DEAR:D*

JASON. YOU SHUDDAP. i am kind (as seen above) and understanding as well :D


ok enough rubbish^^
today was a horrrible day. no, actually YESTERDAY was. freak for some reason my calf bones (is there such a term..) hurt a lot whenever i put weight on it. feels like there's this humongous bruise on it that someone's pressing like there's no tomorrow to kill me. esp during pushoff and LANDING. couldnt even RUN properly. *grumbles

last week it was the right leg. this week its both, with the left leg being considerably worst. stupid ok. cant jump properly, cant land properly, and its quite irritating to walk on it too.

so 10mins before lesson ended cldnt tahan anymore so i asked for permission to rest:D heh den i was kneeling while looking at kim kick. the walk back home was Horrendous.


AND i had this stupid flu and sore throat that was dumb and stupid and got worst today. but its better now(: at least enough for me to have energy to complain:D


i like this a lot!
"It is with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
-Antoine de Saint Expery

DDarn it. why can't i see some people???!!! :D

some people like MINDY TAN HONG YUE. or maybe its just the height. (:


anw!
for imagination's sake:

[NOTE:be sure to familiarize person with phrase before that. do your hw-its worth it]

u go up to a person and say, "aiya. freak la. i can't see you although you're just infront of me. how?"

-if person doesnt get it --", then..um.
1. give up. that person's hopeless:D
2. say, "ohwell- nvm la. at least i know i don't need specs here" *places hand above heart

3. (if everything goes well)
cont'd, "but freak. i need specs for my eyes...you'll have to come along and help me choose too. cos you were the one who blinded me so bad, now i cant see anyone but YOU."


im thinking too much garbage XD
heh. no.3 is CLICHE la. stop at 2, its sweet enough.

[add]
on SWEETS(*pops a sweet, cringe upon tasting* "WA. too sweet la! like you lor")
[/add]

*GRINS*

im happy that the people around me are happy:) at least those that i can tell and those that i care a lot for la. lol.


i shant talk about today laaaa/ not a very happy day, and i know i flunked a lot of my tests oso. in quite a big trouble. but i don't want to talk about them. haha. they're over...i'll just have to learn from my mistakes i suppose.

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT'S UNHAPPY NOW. including today's high jump. haha.

*

i find galvin's blog so inspirational...there is a one whom God has really used to impact others... and his entries are very meaningful and easy to connect to. haha...there's a lot of things too so u can slowly take your time to read whenever you're free.


his blog entries remind me constantly of God's love. and it dawned on me that sometimes i just forget about Him who is always there in my worst times and situations.

no wonder i break down internally during those times. cos i didnt turn to God who was always there with His unconditional love.


the last few weeks had been extremely meaningful. God had revealed to me and finally drilled into me that His love does not come with works or righteousness, but by faith. that He gives/forgives by grace and not by what we do, or the "good" things we do. because if it was by works, then grace will no longer be grace.


and it was there in that whole chunk in the middle of Romans. i thank God so much for revealing it. because like ive mentioned before; i'll keep thinking im not gd or worth enough for His love. NO MORE.


pray that manymanymany others will know of this great and all consuming love too <3

GDOP Global Day of Prayer on the 4th June 2006, prayer @ the National Stadium.
visit www.prayforsingapore.org.sg for more details and updates!


for when we work, we work.
but when we pray, God works:)