nowadays.

nowadays is a horrible word. if i use nowadays then something's changed. and not for the better, most of the time.


anyway. nowadays there's just so...i don't know. there is this urge to do something, this horrible desire that something's to be done, but i don't know what. most of the time i'll just be restless because there's that something ive not fulfilled.

that something's very very important, really very important to me- and it just makes every other thing fade so blandly into the background... its not affecting my studies, i Think. it just makes me not care about results or whatsoever. im striving now only because i want to get to a jc im aiming for by the end of next year.

that something;
its a goal of some kind that ive...no chance to do, i think. there's this helplessness feeling, that i cant do Anything about it at all. that ive just to cont'd with my life like that.


and its making me so,so,so confused. im stuck in a tornado and i don't even know it. im not that messed la i think..its just that i don't know; amongst the calmness there is THIS that drives me nuts. while being calm at the same time. ha

and everything else that used to drive my to the edge of my sanity at the expanse of my emotional strength is just faded beside it. freak ok. im not even caring about the things that would have driven me crazy before.

and all these tests are just driving me numb.


so. i practically just work and work and work mindlessly while there's this desire to do or accomplish something, but at the same time knowing i cant. or don't have the chance to. and so i work mindlessly on.

i don't even know WHAT that thing is. HA.


forget it this is driving me nuts. i'll go study for my chem test tomorrow.