ive to start thinking...
do i glorify God through the things i do and my speech?

ive not been a 'good christian'. my quiet time is like. extremely inconsistent. and everything/
so ive to change. and i realised the importance of quiet time.

when my quiet time isnt consistent everything just goes flop for me. its so easy to slip into that pitch black hole of depression and smile and think you don't care about anything and everything and sorrow has no meaning, just as joy doesnt exist.

when my quiet time isnt existant, i forget about God and that infinity of love and hope from Him. forget about everything he has done before, forget that i still have his will to carry out. i forgot hope and chose to dwell in darkness again.

but how long can i stand alone in the dark? sure, you don't die physically- i mean i didnt, or maybe it was just a matter of time. but i know that everytime i went back to that horrid place i left when poison rooted in my mind i didnt even know the 1st time, and on the 2nd i couldnt detach myself from, till God helped.

yesterday matthew spoke on exodus 16; and when i read it maybe it came as a blow. the Israelites disobeyed God again and again, 4 times in fact, whilst God each time continued providing them with what they needed for the rest of the forty years...how unfaithful were they?

and so, how unfaithful was i?
have i forgotten so much of what he has done for me? have i only allowed him to come into my life for a few weeks at most, then slowly turn away from him?

ive to have more discipline in my quiet time. and discipline is a big big BIG thing for me, but if he can change the shy to the outspoken, the empty hearts to hearts bursting with joy, i know he can change this discipline problem of mine.

ive to stop relying on myself lean on him instead. because ive long realised im weak through and through.

and what a pastor said- of those emotionally insecure and the city of Samaria is so true. they built a fortress of such strength, impregnable walls they have around them, that no army can tear them down. but in the end they starved, inside of their own high walls, when the enemy army camped outside their walls, on the bottom of the hill.

so maybe all these walls'll be built so that no one will ever know what you feel inside, no one can understand. no one and nothing can get in, nothing can hurt you, because of love you reject and love you don't give. and outside everyone'll look and see how strong you are, when inside of the city it is starving..and who on earth (literally) will understand that and help?

lol am i sounding bit depressing. ok. but thank God im not like that anymore. well at withdrawn as last time- which is a miracle. so yea(:

a pastor said during ignite, that everyone can question about your religion, faith and your beliefs...but one thing they can never take away from you is your testimony that you know in your heart of the change in your life when he touched your heart.

and that is so true(: