who wants to know the truth.

after the previous post. i re read everything and face myself up with this age old dilema. i just sound so fake ok.

whatever that's on this is just information sieved. every entry. every single one. non would be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, none of the blatant truth. some would just be half covered. the other no one would know.

sickening, isnt it. i feel so too.

as of now..everything's just so different. maybe its a part of the many things im thinking, but things are sieved.

just like the previous entry. one reason why i resent them so much is just because of the bold plain truth that in many ways i envy them. when..


haha just darn. darn them.
but i cant say anything,its just no,not possible for me. ive never been totally totally open before. not in my whole entire life. before i came to secondary school when i had to be enthu and a little bundle of energy too. all along with the insecurity that if i don't keep it up, i won't HAVE friends. i was the only one there you see.

it wasnt that hard then? but now im tired of all that and this year im just quiet in class. so different from the past two years. maybe calmer, but not infront of ppl ive known for the past years tho. to them i still feel obliged. more then obliged sometimes. maybe i am like that? just that im too unstable now that ive to act it out. maybe when oneday everything gets carried away by God. then i'll know.

am i really that calm? maybe there is just a torrent of emotions just behind the letters of each word that no one will know. i know how people think too well. and that really sucks, cos it just helps you to cover more up. realistic mindy, im too realistic. stick to your polished one mindy.

oneday again maybe i'll burst. i know freaking well how some people will judge me,but i don't want to care already. just this once. or maybe i should just go back to days where i'll ignore everything sorrowful and concentrate so hard on those happy things. block everything else out. but its a temporary solution i of all people know the best.

maybe one day i'll go back to the One who still knows best; because i know no one on earth will understand the full extent of hurt inside. or maybe its just a small stupid problem compared to someone else's..but at least i know to God it matters.
ah/

all this..
maybe im being delusional too.