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Thursday, December 18, 2008
Last Musings

Thinking back, this site has been here for quite long.

It has been here, silently through the many life lessons I've faced, mistakes I've made;
here for me to create stories with words, sometimes for me to pour my heart out, and at other times for closure.

Looking back, I used to expound on trivialities; and in my younger years of searching for an identity, was at times an arena for soul searching and a brazen testing ground for personal experimentation of different personas, in a foolhardy search for that identity uniquely mine.

It is laughable, the decisions I made then guided by many of my idealisms (now thankfully broken), yet bemused as I read I cannot help but yearn for the days past where genuine smiles came easily, and life was truly carefree.

So what of life now?

Perhaps the true intent of my post is to, as again, word the pieces of my life together. Like broken porcelain from a terrible discourse all through this year, that perhaps started in the year last. Underlying this continually trying to make sense of this stems from some sort of deep discontentment, I'd realise. With what in particular, I haven't figured. I regret my decisions, and even more so their consequences.

I regret decisions I made in school; in academics, in art, in council, in dance, in shooting
I regret decisions I made at home
I regret decisions I made in church, in my walk with God.

And perhaps most jarringly painful of all with regards to a certain friend. A friend with whom I thought 4 years and more of friendship meant as much to her as it did to me; but whom I lost in half an hour, in stubbornness from both sides and finally an entry in this goddamned place and a few more in hers.

And there, crumbling to dust like a dead vampire -that you're still crazy over haha. I guess, I've come to realise that whatever justifications we both come up with, the fact is we both still lost in the end, you know?

Of course there were decisions that didn't fare too badly, albeit long and hard ones like finally accepting and learning to truly treasure my family.

In truth, not all choices were bad, but the ones that were created tsunami effects enough to overlook the sunny days.. and its come to a point where I sense the need for a turning point. That if I refuse to seal off this road of discourse today, it will be too late tomorrow.

I've chased, in circles, after the things of the world this year. Flitting from one call to the other, heeding my own judgements and deductions, forsaking my Shepherd. I have listened occasionally, but distrusted Him in most. Worse, perhaps, forgetting Him, or even conveniently choosing to forget.

This, all these must change.

Why do I spill? Its to be a constant reminder as the site's last post, of the grievances of this year, hopefully so I do not repeat the mistakes of the past. Anyway, dear mindy's right.. the whole blog business is getting too centred on the personal self.

So there! From now on I've to stop brooding in the past, get up and discipline myself, and constantly walk in His will for me. And hard as it is, I think its crucial for me to make this decision to actively follow Him starting now, at this point in my life, between adolescence and before the troubles of adulthood.

Help me, Father! To be rested in You alone, for the rest of my life.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;
and all these things shall be added unto you."
Matthew 6.33

spoke at : 8:24 AM
Saturday, November 01, 2008

A long awaited family outing yesterday.

We went onto the Singapore flyer! After a super good dinner. Oh goodness, I'll never forget that cream crab T.T Haha, it was HUGE, like the pincer was the length of my palm. SUPERBLY GOOD.

The halloween atmosphere was quite at its peak, and there were people dressed up randomly scaring people, and quite successfully too. Some of the costumes were quite stunningly real.

There was this Surgical Maniac guy with his bloody knife (that looked seriously. freaking real), some hot devils haha playing with (real) fire torches, loads more!AND THERE WAS THIS WEIRD GOTHIC (SEEMINGLY) HALF-DEAD GIRL WHO BRUSHED MY CHEEK with this weird, out-of-the-zone expression on her face. That was freaky.

The sights on the flyer was good too, but more inspiring, to me. I seriously think the construction industry is amazing. And the grandeur of structures is spectacular, and incomparable to anything else in life. And if I were to be granted to spend the rest of my life chasing this, I would be elated, content and ever grateful.

Am I idealistic? Hahaha

I SERIOUSLY! regret not taking a camera. So many sights now only etched in my mind, but then I suppose its those that really matter, in the end.

Mirotic - DBSK
The song I've been so caught up over these past few days. Reminding me of the good old days of YUHNOLOVE!

Missing jiayi, bao and my crazy dbsk-crazy-fangirl days in Nanyang <3 Those were the rubbish days, man.

Have been so caught up with stress from everywhere nowadays, its starting to affect my digestion again. And I seriously think I'm having a hugely unhealthy habit of eating whenever I feel stressed or trapped, I seem to have this warped perspective that only through eating can I temporarily check myself out of all this crap.

And I'm so far from anywhere or anything even vaguely connected to God nowadays, its scary.

Goodness, introspective things aside,

So freaking glad that even throughout this whole year we're still totally on the same frequency. Yea people change but seems like we're still so connected!

And I am ever grateful for your initiation of the letter writing... Haha it was so touching man, although I've never said it. Glad to have a sister in christ like you, to guide me in the right direction with the right motives, to just give your encouragement and funny comments. Although we're not in the same school and all but I'm glad we're still able to share problems and pray for each other.

Haha, gosh I miss you so much! I haven't been able to find anyone even close to what you are hahaha. And you know what, although its seriously not in our habit BUT LET'S TAKE LOADS OF PICTURES ON TUES. Because I realise I don't have one proper picture of us when we're not looking decently sane. Lol.



spoke at : 9:09 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Disclaimer: in case this causes misunderstandings, this was for a particularly cherished secondary school friend I have, sadly, regrettedly and inevitably, come to lose

Well I suppose as time passes, frequencies change. There are those that you'll understand, then there are those that don't.

Instead of trying to be sentimental, I don't think I want to waste my breath anymore. What's the use of being frustrated? Irritated? Angry? What's the point of convincing?

Haha. It comes to a point when I don't want to try and undo this knot. I'll move on, and maybe one day in time to come we'll both look back, laugh and move on. Or maybe we'll be stuck here. I don't know, and not that I don't care, but what happens, will happen.

From now I'm taking a step back into a passive role.

Instead of taking the forward step of reconciliation as again I've decided not to try anymore. I'm tired, and frankly there are more things for me to invest my emotions and thoughts on then to calm your temper. It sounds terrible, and you can quote it as again as you like without giving the full context, or skew things so you're the only victim, I'm not going to bother finding out anymore.

I've refrained from lashing out an entry in the peak of my emotions, refrained from merely magnifying my hurt into something everyone else can view, sympathize and provide some avenue of comfort, but I'm disappointed to see otherwise from you.

Oh well. I'm not even angry anymore, just vaguely indifferent. I think I've weighed this against my circumstances and realized its not worth it, so I'm dropping it.

So there, my message to you.
To tell you I'm not going to do anything, and whether you want to in your own time and way, its your call.

And, as much as I regret things have reached such a stage, its not like we couldn't live without each other in the first place.

spoke at : 9:25 AM
Saturday, October 25, 2008

For too long, I've been chasing a formless dream, a wisp of a fantasy.

I need to wake up now

spoke at : 9:39 PM
Friday, October 24, 2008
ma belle

a long time ago, when I was still painting rainbows on glass windows, long before the sun came shining in, I stood infront of plains as beautiful as in the autumn magic

before the rays came shining through, before the warmth dried and cracked my colours on the window pane... before mesmerized I froze in blinded, paralysed joy

before I forsoke rainbows and velvet colours to yearn for summer breezes

before droughts, before rain, before shaking leaves off my hair, before wishing these strands were golden instead of a deep red

before regret whispers into my ears, leaves scratches down my back

before I lost my own version of my rainbow, before I am shackled to yours

Michelle, Beatles

Michelle, ma belle.
These are words that go together well,
My Michelle.

#Michelle, ma belle.
Sont des mots qui vont
très bien ensemble,
Très bien ensemble.
(Michelle, my beautiful girl,
these are words that go together well)

I love you, I love you, I love you.
That's all I want to say.
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that
You'll understand.


I need to, I need to, I need to.
I need to make you see,
Oh, what you mean to me.
Until I do I'm hoping you will
Know what I mean.

I love you.

I want you, I want you, I want you.
I think you know by now
I'll get to you somehow.
Until I do I'm telling you so
You'll understand.

I will say the only words I know that
You'll understand, my Michelle.

spoke at : 1:53 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
bury, smother, murder it

I've refrained from blogging too much nowadays

Things that have been happening seem too overwhelming to be put to words... too confusing, always morphing, undefinite, I can't pinpoint the exact heart of the huge swirl of everything.

Sometimes I feel insane, I feel rash, really stupid, really dumb, and perhaps the last of all, uncontrollable. Like constantly being in an uncontrollable frenzy, spinning too fast too much spinning up a self destructive whirlwind, turning once-beautiful golden, sparkling sand into an onslaught of splinters to my eyes.

I don't understand why it's so suffocating this time round, I've never felt so not in control of my emotions before, my dear Lord, please help me

Muse - Time is Running Out
I think I'm drowning
I wanna break this spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me

#Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

You will suck the life out of me
How did it come to this?

We live in different worlds, I should have just left it as that.

spoke at : 7:46 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Some days are just harder than others.

spoke at : 8:01 AM