just me

Last Musings

2008-12-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

Thinking back, this site has been here for quite long.

It has been here, silently through the many life lessons I've faced, mistakes I've made;
here for me to create stories with words, sometimes for me to pour my heart out, and at other times for closure.

Looking back, I used to expound on trivialities; and in my younger years of searching for an identity, was at times an arena for soul searching and a brazen testing ground for personal experimentation of different personas, in a foolhardy search for that identity uniquely mine.

It is laughable, the decisions I made then guided by many of my idealisms (now thankfully broken), yet bemused as I read I cannot help but yearn for the days past where genuine smiles came easily, and life was truly carefree.

So what of life now?

Perhaps the true intent of my post is to, as again, word the pieces of my life together. Like broken porcelain from a terrible discourse all through this year, that perhaps started in the year last. Underlying this continually trying to make sense of this stems from some sort of deep discontentment, I'd realise. With what in particular, I haven't figured. I regret my decisions, and even more so their consequences.

I regret decisions I made in school; in academics, in art, in council, in dance, in shooting
I regret decisions I made at home
I regret decisions I made in church, in my walk with God.

And perhaps most jarringly painful of all with regards to a certain friend. A friend with whom I thought 4 years and more of friendship meant as much to her as it did to me; but whom I lost in half an hour, in stubbornness from both sides and finally an entry in this goddamned place and a few more in hers.

And there, crumbling to dust like a dead vampire -that you're still crazy over haha. I guess, I've come to realise that whatever justifications we both come up with, the fact is we both still lost in the end, you know?

Of course there were decisions that didn't fare too badly, albeit long and hard ones like finally accepting and learning to truly treasure my family.

In truth, not all choices were bad, but the ones that were created tsunami effects enough to overlook the sunny days.. and its come to a point where I sense the need for a turning point. That if I refuse to seal off this road of discourse today, it will be too late tomorrow.

I've chased, in circles, after the things of the world this year. Flitting from one call to the other, heeding my own judgements and deductions, forsaking my Shepherd. I have listened occasionally, but distrusted Him in most. Worse, perhaps, forgetting Him, or even conveniently choosing to forget.

This, all these must change.

Why do I spill? Its to be a constant reminder as the site's last post, of the grievances of this year, hopefully so I do not repeat the mistakes of the past. Anyway, dear mindy's right.. the whole blog business is getting too centred on the personal self.

So there! From now on I've to stop brooding in the past, get up and discipline myself, and constantly walk in His will for me. And hard as it is, I think its crucial for me to make this decision to actively follow Him starting now, at this point in my life, between adolescence and before the troubles of adulthood.

Help me, Father! To be rested in You alone, for the rest of my life.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;
and all these things shall be added unto you."
Matthew 6.33

flyer

2008-11-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

A long awaited family outing yesterday.

We went onto the Singapore flyer! After a super good dinner. Oh goodness, I'll never forget that cream crab T.T Haha, it was HUGE, like the pincer was the length of my palm. SUPERBLY GOOD.

The halloween atmosphere was quite at its peak, and there were people dressed up randomly scaring people, and quite successfully too. Some of the costumes were quite stunningly real.

There was this Surgical Maniac guy with his bloody knife (that looked seriously. freaking real), some hot devils haha playing with (real) fire torches, loads more!AND THERE WAS THIS WEIRD GOTHIC (SEEMINGLY) HALF-DEAD GIRL WHO BRUSHED MY CHEEK with this weird, out-of-the-zone expression on her face. That was freaky.

The sights on the flyer was good too, but more inspiring, to me. I seriously think the construction industry is amazing. And the grandeur of structures is spectacular, and incomparable to anything else in life. And if I were to be granted to spend the rest of my life chasing this, I would be elated, content and ever grateful.

Am I idealistic? Hahaha

I SERIOUSLY! regret not taking a camera. So many sights now only etched in my mind, but then I suppose its those that really matter, in the end.

Mirotic - DBSK
The song I've been so caught up over these past few days. Reminding me of the good old days of YUHNOLOVE!

Missing jiayi, bao and my crazy dbsk-crazy-fangirl days in Nanyang <3 Those were the rubbish days, man.

Have been so caught up with stress from everywhere nowadays, its starting to affect my digestion again. And I seriously think I'm having a hugely unhealthy habit of eating whenever I feel stressed or trapped, I seem to have this warped perspective that only through eating can I temporarily check myself out of all this crap.

And I'm so far from anywhere or anything even vaguely connected to God nowadays, its scary.

Goodness, introspective things aside,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINDY MY LOVE!

So freaking glad that even throughout this whole year we're still totally on the same frequency. Yea people change but seems like we're still so connected!

And I am ever grateful for your initiation of the letter writing... Haha it was so touching man, although I've never said it. Glad to have a sister in christ like you, to guide me in the right direction with the right motives, to just give your encouragement and funny comments. Although we're not in the same school and all but I'm glad we're still able to share problems and pray for each other.

Haha, gosh I miss you so much! I haven't been able to find anyone even close to what you are hahaha. And you know what, although its seriously not in our habit BUT LET'S TAKE LOADS OF PICTURES ON TUES. Because I realise I don't have one proper picture of us when we're not looking decently sane. Lol.

CAN'T WAIT FOR TUES AND TIME WITH YOU! YES LET'S DO SOMETHING WE'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE!

LOVE LIKE MILLIONS,
S.

2008-10-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: in case this causes misunderstandings, this was for a particularly cherished secondary school friend I have, sadly, regrettedly and inevitably, come to lose

Well I suppose as time passes, frequencies change. There are those that you'll understand, then there are those that don't.

Instead of trying to be sentimental, I don't think I want to waste my breath anymore. What's the use of being frustrated? Irritated? Angry? What's the point of convincing?

Haha. It comes to a point when I don't want to try and undo this knot. I'll move on, and maybe one day in time to come we'll both look back, laugh and move on. Or maybe we'll be stuck here. I don't know, and not that I don't care, but what happens, will happen.

From now I'm taking a step back into a passive role.

Instead of taking the forward step of reconciliation as again I've decided not to try anymore. I'm tired, and frankly there are more things for me to invest my emotions and thoughts on then to calm your temper. It sounds terrible, and you can quote it as again as you like without giving the full context, or skew things so you're the only victim, I'm not going to bother finding out anymore.

I've refrained from lashing out an entry in the peak of my emotions, refrained from merely magnifying my hurt into something everyone else can view, sympathize and provide some avenue of comfort, but I'm disappointed to see otherwise from you.

Oh well. I'm not even angry anymore, just vaguely indifferent. I think I've weighed this against my circumstances and realized its not worth it, so I'm dropping it.

So there, my message to you.
To tell you I'm not going to do anything, and whether you want to in your own time and way, its your call.

And, as much as I regret things have reached such a stage, its not like we couldn't live without each other in the first place.

2008-10-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

For too long, I've been chasing a formless dream, a wisp of a fantasy.

I need to wake up now

ma belle

2008-10-24T01:53:00.000-07:00

a long time ago, when I was still painting rainbows on glass windows, long before the sun came shining in, I stood infront of plains as beautiful as in the autumn magic

before the rays came shining through, before the warmth dried and cracked my colours on the window pane... before mesmerized I froze in blinded, paralysed joy

before I forsoke rainbows and velvet colours to yearn for summer breezes

before droughts, before rain, before shaking leaves off my hair, before wishing these strands were golden instead of a deep red

before regret whispers into my ears, leaves scratches down my back

before I lost my own version of my rainbow, before I am shackled to yours

Michelle, Beatles

Michelle, ma belle.
These are words that go together well,
My Michelle.

#Michelle, ma belle.
Sont des mots qui vont
très bien ensemble,
Très bien ensemble.
(Michelle, my beautiful girl,
these are words that go together well)

I love you, I love you, I love you.
That's all I want to say.
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that
You'll understand.

#

I need to, I need to, I need to.
I need to make you see,
Oh, what you mean to me.
Until I do I'm hoping you will
Know what I mean.

I love you.

I want you, I want you, I want you.
I think you know by now
I'll get to you somehow.
Until I do I'm telling you so
You'll understand.
#

I will say the only words I know that
You'll understand, my Michelle.

bury, smother, murder it

2008-10-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

I've refrained from blogging too much nowadays

Things that have been happening seem too overwhelming to be put to words... too confusing, always morphing, undefinite, I can't pinpoint the exact heart of the huge swirl of everything.

Sometimes I feel insane, I feel rash, really stupid, really dumb, and perhaps the last of all, uncontrollable. Like constantly being in an uncontrollable frenzy, spinning too fast too much spinning up a self destructive whirlwind, turning once-beautiful golden, sparkling sand into an onslaught of splinters to my eyes.

I don't understand why it's so suffocating this time round, I've never felt so not in control of my emotions before, my dear Lord, please help me

Muse - Time is Running Out
I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me

#Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me
#

You will suck the life out of me
#
How did it come to this?
Oh

We live in different worlds, I should have just left it as that.

Flash

2008-09-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Some days are just harder than others.

on quizzes

2008-09-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

I took the test again! A test I first took in sec 3, off nanyang's career counseling webbie. The Kingdomality
Personal Preference Profile.

Its quite interesting, comparing my results then and now. I expected it to be the same, actually, but alas:

THEN:
Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time.

You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions.

On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned.

On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative.

NOW:
Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time.

You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize.

On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes.

On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Some elements, such as my ideological aspects still resides. But according to this, seems like I've turned a little more unscrupulous over the years. On a positive note, I'm more focused now -perhaps even a little extremely so- as compared to the scatter-brained me of the past.

Sadly, though, it seems to suggest I've gradually come to a personal conclusion of valuing pragmatism, efficiency and success over creative endeavor... and matters of the heart?

Interesting points indeed, although one can't for certain pin something as complex as character growth and change with mere quiz results, one cannot deny they must shed some light of truth.

Very interesting.

POST-PROMOS

2008-09-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

ITS POST PROMOS! (assumption of memory lapse at anything to do with academic art)

And today was the TASTE OF LIBERATION BABY :)

yesterday, in lieu of POST-PROMOS PLAN 1: I visited kino! and got 2 great books (: "The World Is Flat" and "Like You'd Understand, Anyway" a quirky book of short stories (:

as a fulfillment of POST-PROMOS PLAN 2, I attempted to learn a choreography!

Kenny/Nick/Trent's Choreography to Because Of You by Neyo:

(oops its a little cut off at the side)

The choreo's brilliant and the Kenny Wormald (center guy in black) is an incredible dancer as well.

I learnt the first 11 secs of the dance today! (till 21sec in the video)

It sounds little but seriously wrestling complicated/lightning fast steps out of a youtube video screen is no joke. So its alright, I'll do a bit a day and enjoy myself (:

I. MISS. DANCE.

going vivo to FINALLY get my phone fixed, frolic a bit, then to church (:

POST-PROMOS is like The Hawaiian Life man
(minus coconut trees)

the block that stumbles

2008-09-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

It always seems that, right before a literature paper I'll find myself expounding on some sort of emotional stumble block.

The last time I find myself having this insatiable urge to inscribe some kind of appreciation composition for my dearest friends was a day before my common test literature papers; that I have, out of the blue, realized have been steadfast in their love and support.

What untimely, although not undeserving, urges.

And now, a day before my fabulous papers on Murders in Cathedrals and melancholic poems by our beloved Owen - indeed this urge comes creeping back. It gives me a lightly, chilled touch on my shoulder and I turn to see its dark grin.

And so, like some feeble fool lost in its mysteriously charismatic, heart stopping (or revision stopping) stare, here I am.

Here I am, frozen in this dispiriting, pervasive gloominess.

And to avoid (yet) another potentially emotional-hysterics-outpour, (not healthy for day-before-paper mental state) I have decidedly beaten a whole accusatory round around the tortured bush of this (actually rather blameless) "urge".

Hahaha.
True, I am perplexed -and hence tongue tied, finger tied (for typing) even- when it comes to you

Dear Lord, I give up. And hand it over to You.

relooking

2008-09-19T06:53:00.001-07:00

On a more logical, less emotional note.

I've thought about loads of stuff, considered so much, and realised I shouldn't be letting my imagination wander so far off, and drag my heart along.

That for all I know, I may just be creating a hypothetical situation based on assumptions I can never validate.

Or, in short, that its just all in my head.

I've realised, that instead of moping on the unchangeable, there are many other things I should turn my focus to. My walk with God, for one. Sometimes it feels like a clean cut of strings that used to bind, and probably, blind.

Through the course of today it dawned upon me that there are many things that never turn out the way we want them to; but in the end, God's in control. However impossible it seems. mm.

Perhaps He'll reveal it in time.
Today, though, I'm just really tired.

2008-09-18T02:06:00.001-07:00

Before I fling myself in work, before I try to forget, before it warps into complicated folds beyond my, and indeed anyone else's, understanding.

I'll like to record it. In black sprawl on white, yet words fall beyond my reach even before I can touch them... I don't know where to start.

Perhaps I should apologize to you again, although apologies won't help anything, and after so much is an apology what you really want to hear?

I'll go behind my apology, and tell you then, its less the apologising, but more of the suffocating concern I can't shake myself off when I catch you. And when I don't.

I wish you well, I want you to be happy, I don't want to dash your hopes in the future; and I don't know what to do, when I want to be near but I see my prescence seems to bring you more pain than joy, seems to strip you of your smile

So I'll rather that you leave if it makes you feel better; I can't bear to see your back diminishing in the distance, can't bear to face your gaping abscence, but i don't expect you to stay.

I wonder sometimes if all this helps you, this trying to be alright around you, so you'll see reason not to dwell in the sadder part of this, so that you'll have some inkling of a reason to smile, too?

And perhaps on my part, to cope and cover a broken psyche, and forget, even just for a brief moment; like the desperate patching up of a disjointed head in a piteous attempt to ward off death

But in truth, in truth this pretentiousness is tiring, all the pseudo smiles and plastic joy and painfully mustered energy

I know this'll never reach you, and I can't bear to approach you when you need your space.. but maybe if I pretend in my mind that I'm able to tell you this it'll sooth this agony?

That I'm sorry that I've hurt you, that I didn't know things would turn out this way, that I seem alright not because I don't care, but rather I do, that I just wanted you to be happy and that was all.

And now, because this world doesn't wait for broken hearts, work it is.

sometimes

2008-09-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes

I want to run and run and run to a place no one knows, thrash a pillow till my will breaks, bury my face, and cry my heart out

I'm sorry, a million times

there is no empty space

2008-09-07T05:24:00.001-07:00

I think, if there wasn't a need in the first place, there wouldn't be an empty space when the need becomes unattainable.

the Sunny, Brightyellow picture

2008-09-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

Disappointments come when you don't get something, but only because you first expected something in return. Sadness comes when you choose to linger on the sorrowful. Self-doubt comes when you throw the negativity at yourself.

Its much better, I presume then, to appreciate someone from afar and love unconditionally, and without stipulations. To learn from things that sadden you, and move on in life; forgive, and forget. To see the positive side of the coin about yourself.

Of course, its always harder to act on what you theorize or already know. But Shirley! You're going to try!

I think I tend to depend on people I love and trust to define my self worth, underneath all the happiness and the smiles and the presumed carelessness. And its unhealthy, because once these people are absent I get sucked helpless into this whirlpool of my own negativity. I feel like sand in shallow water is, being settled and unsettled in sync with the waves, who in turn are reacting to some god-forsaken wind from some direction.

Alright why am I going all elemental.

But, yeah! Its time I start building my self worth and identity in God again!

After this year of first forsaking him because I didn't understand why I was placed in the school I am in, despite desperate protests; doubting his love and choosing to go my own way; becoming lost following all sorts of people and trends; finally I realise how's he's been here all along.

Maybe I can never understand why I was placed here, perhaps, like other things in the past he'll reveal them later in his own time. Nevertheless. I've decided to get back on track with God! To learn to trust in him again, and continue growing in this faith journey.

OKAY. Spiritual things aside, I am determined to go back to some kind of adrenaline pumping action after promos! Go qiaowei we need to work hard for promos so we can go for boxing/muay thai lessons together!

I seriously think I need some kind of exercise. This sedated lifestyle is just. Not shirley and not going anywhere! I want to sweat lots eat lots (without worrying where I'll be burning it off) and be excited loads just like in the past, before the big'o Ankle Accident. When in the good old days destressing = exercising, not eating unhealthily in the dead, wee hours of the morning.

I also am determined to, after promos, SLEEP A LOT. To induce some kind of overdue (albeit a little late) growth spurt, in the last lap to talldom-ness! Its like, now or never.

Things I've done and always loved, dance, ninjado; and things I've always wanted to seriously get into, TENNIS, muay thai, rock-climbing (this one's a bit hard).
And to be able to start on alevel coursework!
AND to finally get afresh with shooting.

Ohohohoh I can feel my blood pumping already, can't wait for after promos!

when it rears its ugly head

2008-09-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have concluded that words are more destructive than anything combined, even more so when combined, and when I become a parent in the future I swear, I swear to use words only to build, not to tear.
so many lies intertwined until I can't decipher the end of truth and start of lies, when things like this happen I know its the iceberg of a bigger issue that no one dares to face, nor bother to uncover. why does he blame everyone but himself, why doesn't he see the bigger picture, the future of his actions, why can't he accept that he can be wrong sometimes, why is he ruining everything, why is he treating me this way, why am I treating him this way?

if my father hates who I am, who will love me, for me?

a broken hallelujah

2008-09-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

This is beautiful! Click:
Hallelujah, by Kate Voegele.

I never knew the full version was so..intense and resounding. Its such a warped interpretation of hallelujah, though. If you search for lyrics.

Actually, there's something about it that intrigues me. Something about the opening melody of that few guitar chords of that particular arrangement. There's a streak of familiarity that strikes at me, from a long time ago, in a song someone wrote.

So I find myself replaying and replaying that song, trying to grasp that fleeting strand of memory and the consequent melody. You know how it feels when something almost solidifies in your consciousness and escapes before it takes full form. I've been chasing this ellusive stream of memory for the past afternoon now.

I think I tend to blog in this cryptic mode when I need to clear something out of my system, so either my thoughts come out jumbled or many strands are running simultaneously at the same time. Other than these I can't think of any other reason.

I don't do it on purpose, like relentlessly think of how to twist my sentences. I suppose its more of not simplifying my thoughts since I'm concentrating more on the whole idea?

But I tend to think I tend to create this distance when I write. Don't know if the people reading feel it too. Its either exclusively personal or, coldly impersonal?
Perhaps I haven't reached the particular standard where there is vivre in my expression.

Hahaha.
Sometimes I wonder I seem to be a little.. sad all the time nowadays. Seems like a part of the happy me flew away, I laugh a lot more but more often than not its more of laughing to escape that lingering sadness. And it feels a little empty. Sort of like laughing without joy.

(I am trying very hard not to make all this sound emo, because I don't think really there is a need to.)

I think we do that a lot more as we grow up, laughing without joy. Seems more opportunities to indulge in it. We feel inclined in social settings, we feel inclined when someone's enjoying himself. Is this what they call groundedness, not laughing all the time? Not being flighty?

Very little makes me truly laugh nowadays.
Perhaps, like jamie who got one on love, I should get some book on the philosophy of joy. What do you say, devon? Hahaha

sorrow

2008-08-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

You saw but sorrow in its waning form.
-Dryden

in broken-english

2008-08-10T09:18:00.001-07:00

There is something touching, noble even, in trying hard to express something - even if it comes out broken.

Something admirable about being fearless in admitting your deepest fears, worries, pain. Something courageous in not being afraid to be seen, accessed, by the world; in not bothering to set up walls because, well, who are the rest of the world to judge?

2008-08-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

On my own I think about whether I should choose someone who can be with me in my highest highs, or someone who can be there for me in my lowest lows. And I realise, who am I to choose?

What am I living for?
Talking to mindy has made me realise how wayward my priorities have grown. How far away from God, and His purpose in my life. I'm afraid this is just an impulse, some sort of a once-beautiful warped into an utter-mistake, because it was blossomed in my waywardness.

I am thankful for today. If anything, it is God's poignant reminder for me. In more lucid moments I do grasp the full understanding of what I should do, but in moments (like now) whitewashed in weariness I can only remember the What, but not the Why.

God is signalling to me to make a decision now. Now, without any putting off of the matter any further. I have told myself many times that should I be able to go back in time I would never make the wrong choice down the wrong path again, but Now that it seems like a replay I am struggling.

I need to make a decision. Or maybe, deep down I know I already have. I just need to stop putting it off and start acting on it.

I need to let the cookie crumble

ramblings

2008-08-05T03:36:00.000-07:00

Its always some sort of comfort, and reprieve, to string words together here.

There're not really made of the best combination of exotic words with beautfiful versification, but they'll do to make up some other world I can escape to, sometimes.

Just for these few minutes, I'll engross in the regenerations of my thoughts, emotions into black scrawl on white, see the intangible take form, and feel some sort like a creator, of sorts.

I'll let my thoughts fly where they want to where they want to bring me into the air and into temporal carefreeness.

And now, in pursuit of carefreeness, I need to work.

In a lecture theatre full of students our HOD warns we might not be able to keep our subject combination at the rate we're going.

He lightly hints a fatherly suggestion,"Rather than spend your november holidays feeling horrible because of your results why don't you feel horrible now and enjoy later?"

I think about it and its really true.
There's only now. Promos will come and go quickly.

And as much as I'm tempted to feel that I won't need God's help in this, a little voice in my wayward heart tells me relentlessly it is exactly at this time that I need him the most.

To help conquer that stupid moronic procrastinating blockhead of myself that's eating away everything else and been in control of a large part of my life. I find... Her so incredulously horrifying sometimes I wonder if its even the same person in the mirror, in my Mr Hyde moments.

Nothing comes with hardwork.
And yes, God.

choices

2008-07-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

What does it take to stand up after a fall?

To get back on track, to swerve back to the right path from the road where the traffic was coming your way.

Today God, very purposefully I would think, showed me my options. And in doing so gave me the freedom to choose. I think I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice, again, as those years back.

Maybe I should stop thinking, and just continue doing.
If God puts me through this, he will sustain me

fabricated love

2008-07-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

# "Stand right there!
...I decided to choose the misery of loving you to the tears of losing you.

Even if the end means hell, let's go togther."

# "Are you confident you won't regret it? That you won't resent me?
(moves closer)
Are you confident enough of waiting for me?

I'm...
I'm a bad person."

# "I know.
I know what a bad person you are. (Sobbing now) I know I know I know."
(falls crying into his arms, and they embrace, crying together in the rain.
There is a suggestion that she accepts to wait for him.)

Korean dramas are a serious source of fabricated love lies.

enough.

2008-07-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Today went out for dinner with devon, a last minute plan (: yay I am happy (: we should go out more! and go out EARLIER so we can do more stuff before your curfew man!

We got an octopus each for our commemerative gift xD

but I lost my red pouch. again. well I just hope its in good use for someone else now (:

I suddenly had a random thought! Wondering how jolyn is now.. I forgot her blog add? And she never comes online anymore.

And I've decided that I'll need to start to limit my come-online time. Start a limiting system where 3 hours of solid work = 1 hour of come-online-for-rubbish time. It'll be a personal challenge. Starting tomorrow.

Promos are in 8? 7? weeks time. It's a little unnerving. Starting next week I'll force myself to stay in school till 9 everyday to study PROPERLY before I go home where all hell breaks lose and I go nuts and lazy enough to get distracted by every single rubbish invention like the internet, television, everything. You name it, the Lee Household's got it.

This coming weekend I need to work really hard! Catch up econs, math, plan revision (: and start speaking to God. Lofty plans for a lifestyle revamp, but I'll really try hard.

I think I'm happy today. There is.. enough to be happy and thankful about. Enough to be optimistic about, enough to hope and smile about.
But I really wished I could give you a ferrero! Before I let you go, haha. To thank you for the times you made me laugh.

Yup, despite everything else, there is enough.

lemons on his hands

2008-07-24T03:49:00.000-07:00

Two enlightenments in two days. Must be God.

YESTERDAY

At the Synergy Arts Exhibition where the Gold and Gold with Honour awardees' works were presented, I had the good fortune to be able to tag along the GOH to listen to the artists talk about their works as the VIP party moved around.

One especially spoke to me, when we talked to him later. Ruben, currently at Laselle. I think what touched me when he presented about his work was the sincerity of his works' intention. Not to impress, like many of the huge paintings and pieces that won top prizes; but to express what is truly inside and not being afraid of what comes out in the end. To not be bound by expectations of what the work is "supposed" to be, and just be liberated in the expression.

There was something I saw in his works after he presented, like he left a piece of himself in them, however small they seemed in comparison to the overwhelmingly big paintings. Its...different, from the mere physical reflection of yourself in the painting - that may not necessarily mean a part of what is intrinsic is reflected.

It spoke to me, shone a guiding star to the possibility of light while I was, since this year, so darkly disillusioned about art.

Of course, there were technical marvels as well, many boundaries broken, many concepts, painting skills and compositions admired.

Yes. Invaluable.

TODAY

Its always quite... enlightening to talk to someone standing on a different platform from you. He always stands from another perspective, sometimes sees things clearer than you ever possibly can.

I am thankful today that such a perspective from a friend was revealed to me. God showed me the root of the problem, why I had that little uncomfortable feeling inside since the beginning and it is really. quite. horrifying. to know the truth. To see that what seemed pure and alright was actually a little twisted, a little tainted, right at the start.

And now, I know I'll have to start from a clean slate from all over again, and the ending might just not be what I had always expected and wanted it to be.

Still, I thank God for the revelation. And surrender this into His hands.

Untitled

2008-07-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

I feel inadequate sometimes, overwhelmed by expectations I press on myself, I think. Trying hard to be someone else, I think. Until I don't really know for sure.

Hmm. Maybe this will in time define me at last, always shifting, changing according to..?

Sometimes, I think too darkly at night (pun unintended). There's always this cloud of gloominess that sets in, (perhaps out of fatigue, perhaps out of exhaustion in unnaturally leaning towards the cheery) that draws me to slightly (to put it mildly) negative perspectives.

Coloured perspectives? Maybe I shouldn't rattle on at night.

But I have to record down the wisps of... a thought before it gets lost in the cloaks of slumber.

-Is it time? I think I can only hope you are more in tune with His will than me, to lead us not into another tragedy

-Am I running away? Is it out of understandable fear? Or should I break out, in the name of conquering my paranoia

-Is this baseless? Without a true nor strong foundation, that it will inevitably fall?

-Am I simply impatient for answers I can cannot get

-Is this a worthless pursue, merely a waste of my time, a distraction

"Praise You In This Storm" is a beautiful song by Casting Crowns, but I find myself drawn only to this one line:
Once again, I said amen, and its still raining

and I always wonder when I can sing the rest

crayon coloured

2008-07-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

In a search for an inspiring quote:

"A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value...More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value

...any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with."

-Hitchhiker's guide to the universe
laughs

Today was so saccharine sweet and happy in such a cystalline, incorrupt way I thought was long lost to me.

God opened my eyes today (after a bout of unnecessarily prolonged depressed/stressed stage) to the many people around me who are just wonderful. Am thankful! And contented.

I think prayers really help! (:

Have loads to do and sometimes the one shackle I can't undo seems to be my own self. The disgusting procrastination a nonexistance of discipline incorrigible time management. T,T

Its a tad discouraging.

But mindy once told me that faith is not faith if you believe for a logical reasoning / possibility, so I shall pray and have faith that God will send SOMEONE to help my dire straits.

Hahaha.
I have never had a more beautiful day on paper than this crayon coloured piece

Stirs

2008-07-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

There's been more than the occasional nudge this week, and of late.

The nudges, little reminders, little pushes - to look beyond. Beyond this little sandcastle wall of myself I have invested my thoughts, perspectives and efforts on, trying to figure its intricacies that, although not altogether inconsequential, is no longer..enough.

It has contrained my mind too long, narrowed my horizon to a hand's width, rendered my views out of touch with the world - in short, it has shackled my growth as an individual.

I do not deny the benefits of introspection. All are human afterall, to some extent the same emotional creatures, and here it sometimes allows a tracing of the same emotions of others from your experiences. You recognise it, sometimes can even accurately anticipate it.

It is bitterly ironic how I realise only now an obsession (gone too far) with one's inner self would in turn hinder your own growth; that being intune with yourself will somehow stagnant devlopment, it is the outside world that accelerates.

World issues, larger ideas, contrasts, conflicts, politics. How the world runs. Is growth only possible with the understanding of and intellectual connection with these? (This is yet another question to be left for discussion sometime else)

What I am grateful for is the opportunity, of late, to be enlightened of greater things than what I usually dwell in. A bigger world outside my little childish circle drawn in the sand which is, regretfully, destined to one day be completely washed -by the waves. I am thankful for the realisation that not only do I have to step out of the circle, I need to be with the waves, be part of the change.

Many things have led me to realise the possibility of change. Many things once impossible seem to now have vague routes leading to them. There seems to be hope. It even goes beyond the misty definition of "seems to", it takes definate shape of a "there is".

For once in the longest time I am excited, the mindless slumber that has been, like sludge, be plastered on my mind has finally awaken in preparation of leave. Just over the horizon lies the possiblity of a more interesting exploration.

My dulled mind stirs.

2008-07-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

I regret to say this is so freaking true

post-impulse

2008-07-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've been having a problem letting go of something I probably should, of late.

So today, God showed me.
He showed me my emotional immaturity, in the form of lack of resilience, oversensitivity, probably unreinability (if there's such a word) and perhaps the most jarring of all, vunerability.
Cliche, yes, but true nonetheless.

Its not a crime to suffer from one nor all of the above, but if even the slightest shock would trigger off a set of adverse symptoms-(namely an uncontrollable replay of a certain time frame from a certain minute to a certain second; warped, unhealthy mindsets; high-walled defensiveness)-then I would suggest to myself, that for the better good of this young lady she should stop and sidestep to the right and lighted path.

Of course this sidestep would be more aptly described as a quantum leap (if self-attempted) - fairly impossible and almost doomed to the ranks of failures. It is here that I need the unwavering focus on God, the need for his strength, comfort, and wisdom. And love.

Goodness (random: I've found myself starting sentences with this word too many a time of late) this seems overwhelming. And past experiences are pointing to a cursed continued failure of THIS ONE. But God is not a God of the past. so. I'm putting my trust in him!

Ah so there would be my analytical, not so impulsive part of my brain speaking. But if I could just sum it all in one hot-blooded sentence, it would go along the lines of:

today, you made me want to give you up

life, football, and shots

2008-07-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

I always find myself pondering on my life, when I am faced with this white space. It, as always, invitingly suggests me to mindlessly dance my fingers faster than I can sort out my thoughts, to type junk. But I shan't. Try not to, anyway.

Service today was...interesting. Hard words, heartfelt sharings, choices faced, decisions to make. Hosanna! Many praises to God, salvation to come. Conviction? Only time will reveal, but which only God solidifies.

Friday was special, too. Grudgingly forced into playing soccer for PE, but it was..gratifying. I miss the rush of adrenaline, and perhaps I understand a little of the fanatism behind it. Haha. The game is pointless in itself, but the bonding, the laughs, the tension, and the reach for victory -the simplification of it into a score- is priceless.

It is life, only simplier, with clear allies and foes. Clear cut, pure, with no time and space for backstabbing and the dramatic flowery whatnots of the work/school place. I could learn to love it.

Then, supporting our team for nationals! Our representatives did superbly well, so proud of them (: but overall it came personally pinched with regret. That I gave up a love for... a satisfying journey yes, but. Still a painful sacrifice that I was sorely reminded of at the nationals.

Now I've to slowly climb back up from where I've slided to, which is more demoralizing then it seems, but I'm going to perservere. Its like needing to learn how to walk all over again when you used to be able to run; but for the love of the air sweeping by my ears, here goes.

unclenching grips

2008-07-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

you're placing a safe bet while I'm gambling my life

so here, I'm giving it up

2008-06-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Between us both,
I'll gaze but will not see.

Between us both,
You'll sprinkle and then leave.

Between us both,
I'll grasp and put it down.

Between us both,
Our hands are, seperate, unmatched.

Between us both,
There is no other you.

-

Conversation with mindy was thought-provoking, meaning today. God spoke to me on something bothering my life of late. And showed me that I was heading down the wrong path.

I am acting on all the wrong reasons!

Thankful so the enlightenment, so much for mindy's prayers, and God's answers.

Hoping to finish painting by tomorrow too!

Praying for perserverance, and His wisdom.
<3

U turn

2008-06-24T04:05:00.000-07:00

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalms 73:21-26

the beauty of a return :)

<3

2008-06-23T07:05:00.001-07:00

Not good enough for you?

Was touched by mindy's letter today, it was so..heartfelt haha i was just smiling at the canteen waiting for the queue like some nutcase LOL although HEY YOU i know you'll never read this -_-
hahaha I miss you :) like super loads ohman/ohmin! haha

miss the days when we'll just freaking do all the crazy nutty idiotic stuff and how we'll go extra crazy for drama

and all the weird talks and bitching and complaining about everything under the sun. ohman those were the days (:

the days of dreaming and not knowing where we're gonna go, but not caring either :D
and although in sec 3 and 4 we were so busy with our own stuff but thanks so much for initiating the whole letter thingy.... so unexpectedly sweet of you ok xD

GO LITTLE BOMB, I HOPE YOU'RE BLASTING EVERYONE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. LIKE HOW WE USED TO BLAST TOGETHER!
hahahaha.. i miss you!

*

and evelyn! was really really nice and concerned and I thank you so much for those initiated gestures of concern! haha i was kinda touched you know? even in the midst of my madness and little (cough-understatement-cough) bit of insaneness. you're a gem (:

and although i never said so i always felt you were like the angel part of my life in the midst of my devilish chirpyness in sec 3 and 4? like sitting next to me always reminding me i had to be nice xD

AND YOUR 'MORE THAN WORDS' GUITAR RENDITION. and you know all my fav songs? and you play them the best? i swear i haven't heard anyone play better than you since ok. the rest are like...ah nevermind. -.-

you were like so thoughtful and self-sacrificial to everyone laaa. and you were so nice i never felt like i needed to be someone else with you. hahaha thanks so much, for always being someone i can go high AND I KNOW YOU READ THIS SO YEAH JUST SO YOU FINALLY KNOW like omg after how long

*

RIGHT. since i'm here let me just write a tribute to all of my closeclose friends (:
although its um. the day before my lit common test paper. lol

*

DEVON.
you idiot! hahahaha. always being damn funny when you complain about everything in the world

ohman i'll never forget the stupid art days just spend couped up in that chicken ass of a room doing prep -_- AND THE BILLIONS OF COLOUR PENCIL AND THE DIFFERENT SHADES AND THE SHARPENING. ok we never thought we would finish it but we did eh?

YOU AR. have the weirdest ideas cracked up in your head like wanting to be (still wanting to be-_-) an espoignage. is that how you spell it? and this -> -_- is totally your signature smiley la. like i get reminded of it when i use it, i don't know why 0-o

AND I'M SO GLAD WE DECIDED TO COME CLEAN WITH EACH OTHER lol NOW WE HAVEMORE TO TALK ABOUT! ohman i know i'll always have you for the enjoy-life things (ICE CREAM!), all the crazy things (GOING TO YOUR SCHOOL!), all the life questions that we'll approach poignantly because we refuse to be positive.................

lol. I'm glad even though we don't talk like damn much we're still as close when we talk ok!

*

JUSTINA.
you woman, i talk so much to you i don't know what to tell you here la. you know how much i treasure you!

ok although we were going against each other and all the stupid idiotic stuff in lower sec i'm glad we've grown to become confidants man. the best thing is, i know you're always there. like always contactable, super free (seems like it xD) hahahah. and you're a big part of my life la, like first in school then NINJADO which was quite a huge thingy in our lives..... THEN PRIMARYSCHOOLFRIEND.

i'm glad i've gotten to know you so well babe :)
and although its WEIRD seeing pri school friend with close friend but >< I'LL GET USED TO IT.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST WITH WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
XD

*

JOLYN!
ok you'll never read this -_-
but you've...kinda always been there? when i needed you most. i don't know how to put it. hahahaha i'm go glad you returned back to God, its great seeing you so passionate for Christ now dear (:

although we're like in totally different worlds now but you know, and i know we'll always be sisters in christ. like it just binds us, and its never hard to tell you what i really think.

thanks for all the encouragement, the prayers, the strength, the faith, and so much, so much.

thanks love, don't know where i'll be without you (:

*

JULIA!

last but not least eh. I BLOODY KNOW YOU WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER READ THIS. but we're so close its undescrible hahahaha we're so in tuned with each other la! thanks for being there for the most important parts of my life, all the painful, dark closet parts, all the eventual growth and happy parts. hahahaha you were just there all the time.

i guess there's just something about being sisters in christ (: and i guess the best part was, we were there in our growth in God? and just life.

hahaha its like, i'll never believe the day when you're not a part of my life you know? i'm just so used to you being there (:

love!!

*

its funny, how even though i was so high and crazy in secondary school God has blessed me with real, true close friends? friendships that have real depth, and friendships that two words 'true friends' can't even begin to fully describe. that although we don't talk much everything is still BAM there when we do.

and how now its all really different. i think i'm falling into a loads-of-surface-friends-but-very-few-true-ones pattern now, in this new environment. i guess these things take time. haha ohwell.

but today i realised how truly blessed i am, with these few but DAMN! precious friends.
love you all man, more than you can imagine.

2008-06-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

I think I was happy, once, a long time ago.

Before Nj, before O's, before graduating, before secondary three, before 14, maybe at 13.

And look what that happiness cost me.

She isn't happy with my status quo, she think its hopeless. That I'm hopeless

Am I?

Criticism.

2008-06-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

Before I forget.

There has to come a day when a turning point has to be made. A point where standards have to be raised. A point where I need to halt and in a long time, really look around me.

Where am I now? Spiritually, emotionally, as a student, a shooter?

Things seemingly minute actually reflect the larger scheme of things, and going along with this theory, how do I rate my current state?

As a student, my room is not as it should be. It is in disarray, things are everywhere, spilling onto my bed. Work is half done, revision barely in exsistence much less solidified - all one week away from CTs. I have no idea how I will scrap through them. It seems like a nightmare replayed from Olevels.

Spiritually, I have lost my bible in the midst of the mess of my room. Discipline, or the lack of it, is a word killing me. What seperates us from the love of the Lord? Not hardship, not turbulances, nor darkness, nor the deepest depths of ocean. But what seperates me from His higher will for me? Discipline, my choice yet I seem, paradoxically, not to have control over.

Emotionally, I see myself slipping away, given up. Detached, like a ghost wandering from day to day knowing full well the consequences of its wondering. I sit here in disbelief, staring at my state. This is not me.

Perhaps the last straw will be when I myself become dishevelled.

And when that happens, will I sit here and let it happen? Will I silently see things slowly morph into a past nightmare and simply let it Happen?

I speak of circumstances controlling me, when in my saner moments, I remember believing otherwise. The disparity, this dipolarity meets, I believe, in my shortcomings. I need to change the waves around me, but somehow I can't. I refuse to accept so, but it hits me over and over that this is beyond me. How do I control a seeming character paralysis?

I am acutely aware of the existance of warped mindsets present here that have caused me to fall thus far, yet my mind is too clouded to put a finger to exactly where. I reach out in the dark and feel nothing I can recognise. Feelings and logical reasoning seem to breached the boundary set up between them, somewhere in my mind.

All seems impossible, yet all I know is, in my clouded consciousness, that God is the solution. I have not been at all representational of His glory this year despite my 2008 resolutions, like promises made and broken yet again, but I know He's here somewhere. Nearby.

I have to stop looking elsewhere. I have to start looking towards Him.

2008-06-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

lemons lemons and more lemons. I just keep drawing lemons.

Is it some form of escapism into a dimension presumably and believably happier and more peaceful than now? Is it the desire for something excitingly sour in a world where too much tries to be sweet?

hahaha. I blabber too much sometimes.

Been so busy with UOB painting that is quite demoralizing but I refuse to ponder further until necessary. CTs are in a week and it seems too bad to be true. UNLESS A MIRACLE HAPPENS (i.e. I suddenly become damn sloggy/hardworking and is simulataneously brilliant aka NotGoingToHappen), I will do well.

Nevertheless, amidst the logical, I'll still fight and die (or still fail, but not as badly) trying. wee, I am not that demoralized here.

A lot has been demoralizing of late. These few months have been rather... rocky and echo-y. So many highs, so many lows. These few months, things have gone off to where I thought would never. In other words, my world of idealism has been broken.

I feel detached, somehow. Like watching a car wreck from the sides, as a passerby. The catch is, this is my car.

I suppose I can't just, like my car-analogy, REPLACE my life by buying another. Somehow I need to salvage the pieces, place them together again. So much seems displaced though, it seems everything has been jolted.

I think I don't know my circumstance now. I feel, at the same time, braced but fearing so much of another blow. So far I've taken the ones that came - not exactly well, but acceptably okay. What if the next blows me down?

I'm thankful for my CPU peeps though. They're one great bunch, sometimes the only aspect that seems right. The workload's pouring, but I know we can do it (:

SHOOTING.
I feel so bad everytime I go back there, it seems I've benefited the club so little. I miss the people there, I can't spend as much time there as I would really want to, its... really sad. I miss everything there. The satisfaction, the highs the lows, but mostly the people.

HAIYA.
I NEED TO CHEER UP LA.

SHIRLEY YOU NEED TO CHEER UP AND TRUDGE ON.

I know what's the root of all this, but I'm being retarded and not doing anything.

2008-05-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm screwing up my life

I'm heading in the wrong-est direction, and I still keep on walking because I don't know what else to do

Seeing all the signs, and I still keep walking. Knowing the next step, the next fall, and I keep walking

Am I being stupid? Or bound by something greater than what I can control.
I'm afraid I can't discipline myself, and I'm living out my fear everyday

I don't want history to repeat, but at this rate it will, I know it will

Replay, Reply

2008-05-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

A kind of perverse intrigue binds me to songs of a foreign language. My lack of full understanding robs me of the chance to critique the superficiality of the expression, and I am led to believe in the depth of emotion, the highs and lows, just by the nuances of the melody.

I keep replaying it, and replaying it.

They make up the bulk of mainstream songs I can accept, expressions I'd never really understand and can only make up on my own.

I don't think I ever want to understand them.
What if then, I'd think they were never really that intriguing afterall?

What if then, I stop replaying it?

What if, what would happen, if it wasn't based on full understanding? Would history, inevitably, replay without me hitting the button

bittersweet;

2008-05-04T01:41:00.000-07:00

Talking to Justina about the past, I realised I've grown a lot.

Problems always hazy in the past have cleared up now, I finally understand. Finally figured the reason, the underlying reason and solution. What I did wrong, what we did wrong, and how we weren't wrong.

How it became bittersweet as we crashed every wall and yet still never made it to the right one in the end. Haha. I've come to accept the crashings as... life's experiences.

So I really want to thank you; for giving your all at that time, for making the latter of the bittersweetness true. There was a long time I thought it was all a hoax, but I've concluded that no, it was human.

The Bitterness came part from my fault, and was my punishment for disobedience. I had to learn to trust in God, so much, along the way - and for this I am thankful.

But human, we were just being human.

There, and Gone

2008-04-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

There come to be many things we miss as we grow, that so painfully I am enlightened of today.

On rides:
I miss the slow passing by of the world. I miss feeling how this is me, predestined to trudge along this path, feeling how little I am in comparison to the world outside. I miss watching the leaves go their way; the people, their destinations; and rain, their drips and splatters. I miss merely waiting for its arrival at my stop.

Now the thought of going forward taints my thoughts. I see only what I will do once I reach, down to the very minute. Many a time instead of waiting for the kind old bus I will him, with all my mind, to go faster. Flusteredness scratches in my heart, I can no longer wait. There is no time, no heart to wait.

On walks:
I miss the cool walks of almost a long time ago, the walking on - to something I love. From around seven thirty will promise two hours, sometimes longer, of joy. Where I could smile at the possibility of seeing you, smiled at the thought of feeling the cool night breeze on my sweat laden back later, two hours after. I always wanted to catch up, and when I almost did, you were gone.

Now the walks have gone, only old paths remain. The Fall, at my peak, was planned to teach me a lesson. I struggled and grew, but now with its abscence a piece of me went away and never came back.

On types:
I miss the poems, stories I'll weave in my sorrow, time I'll allow no matter the pressure pressing in. Now they are gone, the words the want to write the stories I used to see. They disappear, along with time, and again a piece of me.

On people:
I miss so many, so much of each I can barely dare to formulate these into words. The innocence and trust we used to hold on to, the people I love, where are they? They were beautiful no matter the imperfections, like mist in the morning, but now broken by the afternoon sun.

On continuing:
Everything else is too much, too much to bear. Lord, help

heart's peace

2008-02-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged for so long, almost more than a month.

Everything has been happening at lightning speed swirling around me, turning me round and round and round like a directionless top. I know God has been there, I know God has been paving the way for me in many things, but I know there are many things I don't know.

Knowing.
There are so many glimmers lying just across that fence, so many stars in the night sky that call out to you. So clear, so seemingly near, yet so far. For once, the fact that once you fall beyond a line life is not in your control - is terrifying.

Trust.
It is a five letter word, yet a word I cannot seem to reach. I prayed and I knew deep down God wanted me to stay - the signs have been everywhere. I prayed that He would lead me to a path best for me, and today, or last night, my definite reality became clear to me. So clear not even a disillusion could bury it. Sometimes I wish I knew the future, or even better, just leave my future -totally- in His hands.

God has blessed me a lot here. I got through dance although they picked around 15? from 88. I got through shooting probation then the 2nd trials and is now in the team, although I've started merely a month ago. The people here are amazing, and my class is amazing. I am blessed with many things others are dying, and trying so hard, to get. Including my place here.

So, sometimes to keep a count of my blessings instead of what I want that I cannot get - sometimes maybe that, that will bring my contentment, and heart's peace.

Wanting.

2008-01-14T23:21:00.000-08:00

What do I want?

I want, to be able to see blue for blue, red for red, gold for gold. To look into a rose garden and see the red petals for what they are, and the grey patches on every spot.

To not have a beautiful sight tinted by the dark glasses of fear, to not discolour gifts bestowed on me. Over time, to see beyond colours, to the intricate and simplicity of their beauty - and see how truly blessed I am.

I want to see the rose garden in all its glorious beauty, its humble imperfections, its perserverence through the rain, and growth in all its suffering - to smile at its blossom, to help through its failings.

I want to see a rose garden, for what it really is.
I want to see without the haunting greyness of misgivings.

This, is what I want.

*

A verse Suz sent me today:

'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength... The Lord longs to be gracious to you, he rises to show you compassion. For the lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!' Isaiah 30:15

I am eternally grateful that she has not given up on me, and I am so thankful for her encouragement during this time. When I believe God has somehow left, unanswering, she tells me instead that she believes He is training me up for the next level.

And I am to continue waiting patiently. There is a lesson to be taught that I have not learnt.

I devour the verse like parched land devours a splash of water. I want to get up to look for more, but I am afraid I will yet again be disappointed. And it is back to square 1.

Shooting practise today, though, was entirely blessed and watched over. RightShoulder did not hurt as much as yesterday even though I have been straining it for 2+ hours trying to aim. God has also very obviously made many things smooth for me. Yet..

What is it that I have to learn? Just what is it??

2008-01-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

I got into western dance!
I got into AEP! (afterall)

I really think its God's blessing, even though I've been emo and delusioned into emoness recently. There's just a lot to figure out.

That aside! I really hope I can get through shooting tryouts and get that ONE place (for the women's pistol secion) in the team! It sounds crazy, but I'm just going to try my best anyway :)

My right shoulder feels like its blazing now. I will skip the hell description :D I have consulted ruthi (shooting pro) though, and says the right and left hand do not shoot alike so PLEASE HEAL SHOULDER! I'LL GIVE YOU LOADS OF LOVE!

Right now I'm waiting for the 13jan suju vs dbsk EHB show to be subbed. JIAYI PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU SEE IT OK!
and ohman they discussed and read so much of dbsk and suju in ep.9 its scary. There was just this damn long discussion in lj la and I just think the whole thing's overblown.

OLEVEL RESULTS ARE RUMOURED TO COME OUT THIS FRIDAY. And I'm freaked out. Like freaked freaked out. And shiru and I were just freaking out together.

-ok its not a rumour anymore. fel just told me rj mass emailed them confirming it. OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAY. *Freaks again

sigh but I'll just hand to God my results, shooting practises and shooting tryouts la. People in shooting have been superbly nice and lovable so far, so I really hope I get in! (:

I'm sorry if I've just been avoiding some people/matters recently, give me time k! I'll sort them out soon.

so meanwhile, GO YUNHO! GO SHIRLEY! FIGHTING!
(with korean accent, lol)

rant parade

2008-01-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

suz says she saw my face and that I'm going to backslide somewhere early this year. is it coming truuuuue? right now actually I'm just too tired to care.

things will just happen as they will.

i'm like quite depressed nowadays like something's weighing on me and the smiles are beginning to feel a little tiring/fake. or delusional. like I manage to be high because I'm pretending all the other shit doesn't exist.

and who likes emo people??
so I really can't be emo

this is such a stupid rant entry I haven't done this for so long it almost feels... well actually it feels normal.

lets see. people are gone, I'm afraid, can't get past myself, regreting shitloads about all the yesterdays that affect the Present. o and I think it sprained my right arm just by playing tennis+mass dancing+jerking from that tall and stupidly violent dance partner. it hurts a bit like hell now, although I find it weird how we always say it hurts like hell but none of us actually know hell.
is all this this my punishment?

I met shakespeare yesterday, he was standing there, all alive and perfect. I thought he was a ghost, but he speaks! with human-ness and that vunerability that makes human-ness. then it struck! I yearn to go back in time. To dig up the past, and return to the peaceful days of poems, sonnets, and tragic love. shakespeare, shakespeare. oh I fell in love with shakespeare yesterday.

I do not find solaces any longer in the places where I once found them

The last

2008-01-12T02:41:00.000-08:00

Today was the end of orientation! Yeah it was fun, we had war games and a dance party afterwards. Seemed more like clubbing to me, but haha it was fun nevertheless. I found out my dance vocabulary is only like, | THIS | tiny.

And during war games the guys from orange gang was crap rough ok. Today was the first time I got hit (PURPOSLY and quite a lot of times) by guys. But I suppose its better than being treated like some pampered princess.

Its finally the end of orientation, and although it was fun I couldn't help wanting it to end quickly. Not for the coming lessons, but I suppose having an extended orientation is seriously shag. Like you literally end up with ruffled hair and you feel like shreds.

SO. was today a good day?
unfortunately I seem to always be here only when I have things to sort out. And going by that standard, today has got to be one of the toughest.

In my life when faced with a forkroad I'll end up, ALWAYS, on the route of risk. To me, I work subconsciously -now that I realise- on the theory that the grass is greener on the other side.

I learn to biasely detest the "safe" route while remaining perfectly objective to myself, though exactly what I detest of it I do not know. Somedays I pride myself of courage in taking that calculated risk, other days I believe the path of risk will free me -from something I have not yet to figure its shape of but have seen its shadows.

After all, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Indeed, life teaches you lessons, sometimes easy, sometimes hard. And today, I learnt the consequences of gambles.

sorry means little

2008-01-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm here knowing -and fearing- what would happen next and I don't take any action to prevent it.

I'm sorry that knowing nothing can come out of it but I do nothing.

I don't know what to do, except to say I'm really sorry.

I really, really am.

Why do things have to turn out this way?

THIS IS A BLOODY TUG AND WAR.
(and someone always break their arm in tug and war)

*

No, I've to remind myself not another one. History will NOT repeat itself! I will not give it a chance to.

Okay I feel a little better stating it out.

Anyways!
Its a little demoralizing that I don't think I got through the AEP selection test at Nj, but I'll work even harder to build up my portfolio this one month plus before I go on to the next school. GoGoGo!

ORIENTATION STARTS TOMORROW LASTING TILL FRIDAY.
So the stupidly boring admin week was worth it yes. (Even if it wasn't we somehow have to convince ourselves it was or risk feeling miserable) New civic classes/ogs next week and I'm going to be in some alien class.

A class with odd combi people in the arts stream. I hope everyone is nutty and arty kinda nice (: like sunshine in a school of grey (:

PLEASE TOO, do not make people I talk seriously to nervous. Or if they are please let them not show it at least haha.

I WILL MISS ALL MY (BORING, SCIENCE/NORMAL COMBI CHOOSING) NY CLASSMATES. Must visit me ok! I'm betting you all will be in same class la -_-

TENNIS, DANCE, READ NEAR OVERDUE BOOKS, GET NEW CAMERA BATT, DO ART (before which is BORROW USEFUL BOOKS NOT JUNK). And really start doing quiet time consistently. ReallyREALLY.

If I don't have time for Him now, I won't have time for the rest of the year and for the rest of my life.

So. I'm leaving everything else in Your hands!

Passivity

2008-01-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

Passiveness.

Passiveness is, not knowing if such a word as "passiveness" exists and not bothering to check out.

Passiveness is, knowing something you should do -knowing strongly, you do not even doubt- but sitting still, and doing nothing.

Passiveness is, inadequately empathizing, or not acknowledging, in actions, or verbally, knowingly or unknowingly.

There is beauty in passiveness. A detached form of emotional being developes -for there is no way emotion can be forsaken- and sits inside of you, caring yet uncaring, seeing yet not seeing, knowing yet not knowing. In this way, your emotions do not leave you, but they leave the world, and bring you along.

And perhaps, just perhaps, if passiveness does not totally overtake you, you will get to visit someplace far, far away. Away from the rest of the world, away in the depths of your mind.

-
HAHA, what was that.

That is a manifistation of my regret over my passivity which is overtly apparent to me today, hurray.

I write things down, so my logic does not go wayward and everywhere and I end up deluding myself thinking that things are in a mess and totally incomprehendable. In summary, so I don't become emo and self wallow, lol.

SO. LESSON LEARNT: DO NOT BE PASSIVE.
haha ok that was superficial.

But I suppose its life. Life, or God? brings things to hit you in the face, and instead of mopping about being sad I might as well do my best to salvage the situation and move on. DESPITE being a little discouraged, its ok, ok if i walk on in God's strength.

YEAH OK. I'll move on.

And what is the situation? next time :)

yesteryears

2007-12-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

There's something in those eyes I recognise, only now, perhaps the want and wanting from so long ago.

Younger, stranger, yet definately familiar. Could I have scrambled for what was already found in my house?

You swirl the past in dark mocca colours- strong, dark, overwhelming, and intoxicatingly beautiful. I have stepped away into another world, yet I see you dwell there still.

Do I sense care? The lack of it?

For few can care for someone they barely know. And you, happen to be in the other, darker, abeit nicer-smelling, world.

-
Came back from penang, indulging in shopping, talking, shopping and more talking. Talking to relatives I barely know, relatives I never knew I had, relatives of eccentric nature, and I have an architect and politician relative! wee

For those who are baffled, I am currently undergoing this phase of being excited at things/people relating to architecture, a phase I hope will last for the rest of my life.

I want to be an architect!

Haha aside from that! This place has been relatively dead for so long its stinking. And I'm getting bored of the elmo skin again.

WHO WANTS TO LEARN MUAY THAI WITH ME. Its fun! Really! And if you're weight conscious HEY it helps you lose weight!
But although I'd love to entertain these thoughts once in a while I know its going to be quite some sun-rise-from-west event if it actually comes true.

"Do things that will benefit you."
BENEFIT defined as doing you good in terms of paper qualifications, good records and positions that will help you go further.

So is this adulthood that we begin to catch a glimpse of? That we choose to do things not only because we enjoy them, but for its Benefits and Implications? Here comes pragmatism over...deemed as child the "likes" and "loves".

*
*
*
*
*

(This post has been typed halfway before laptop was abruptly confiscated. I have poorly patched up the last sentence which was half-formed from before, but I am unable to complete it further..

I have lost my train of thought.)

chopin tragedy?

2007-12-17T00:44:00.000-08:00

Chopin is a beautiful composer. Did i mention?

Or more of, his pieces are beautiful. Just inject one of his famous pieces, you get instant aesthetic class. And a link to the heart of intense (and very real) emotions. Beautiful (:

A true artist whose works evokes such a "realness" people like you and me can connect to it. He is long ceased in existance, yet his notes continue to weave the sadness he must have felt while composing. Ah, the extent of this beauty.

I was reminded of one litre of tears that loads of people have been recommending, so the whole of friday was spent watching all 11 episodes. As the title suggests, it can potentially make you cry buckets -or a litre bottle- but I didn't watch it to see how much I cried, or didn't cry.

The jdrama is about a true story where a girl who, at 15, found out she had a degenerative disease that would slowly rob her of her ability to move, in the end unable to walk, then speak and eat. And inspite of this dark future, how she copes with each painful day with strength and joy, how she lives each day to the fullest despite knowing that every passing day is going to be bleaker than the last. How she comes to see the extent of her family's love.

It was touching, and put into perspective what I've been blessed with. A bright future, the simple privilege of being able to move, to walk and run and jump, to be able to express myself freely through speech and words...

And here's so much more to it. My little review is doing some serious undermining work here, so please watch it for yourself if you've the time. Its worth it.

Ah I realise, too, how little drama is really needed to touch hearts, compared to your regular tv serial, where crazy dramatic scenes and all of the flowery scripts don't even come a mile near our intrinsic emotions.

Yea lo. So when I'm old, while forgetting things here and there, I'll probably be a script writer, create a world nonexistant and see it swirl to shape on stage...
And it'll be beautiful, too.

BREAKREST

2007-12-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

That was a bad play of words.
I figured if breakfast works, then the title works. I'm breaking hiatus!

but that's really because I'm bored after getting over dbsk. namely, yunho:)

Isn't this a cute skin! But I wonder why someone would go to the physical and not to mention legal trouble of kidnapping something used when they can get a brand new, shiny one off a store.

I just promised joy to tell her at once if anyone catches my eye in rj. Hahaha I'm not even there and we'll talking like this. As she aptly puts it, we shouldn't be counting chickens before the eggs are even hatched.

Prelim posting results are tomorrow. Olevels are over. I'm waiting for results.

Sometimes things just seem to flash by and you're slumped on your sofa seat, gaping at the speed of it all. I suppose, there's beauty in speed, where everything becomes a colourful blurred edged dream.

Then again, you can choose to run alongside and see all the details.

Still, I never imagined olevels to be over so fast. I regret not reaching a point I was supposed to reach, to do my best at least. I can't believe the house I've been living in for more than half a decade now is just a memory.

I think I've been living in too much of a dream after o's everything's just flew past me, and I've put off accepting them. This 'dream' consists of eating, sleeping (a big part), going online - its become some sort of unreal life.

Like some kind of addiction I'm living day to day, purposeless, blurry, totally slack. I don't think this kind of blurry puffy unconscious life glorifies God.

Somehow its just really hard to break out of this..effortless, meaningless drone. I've to pick my real life up!

Ok. Now for a workable plan to make that happen.

2007-05-27T02:57:00.000-07:00

HIATUS, until the end of olevels.

i've thought about it, quite hard.
i don't really have a use of a blog.

i don't need people to know about my life, or more about me. the people i truly know and care for all know me in real life. and if someone really does want to know me better, a meet up in reality would be a better gauge.

i don't really have a desperate need to satisfy my boredom, if boredom means having nothing you can/should do. i have tons of them.

i don't have a worthy goal or purpose that i want to achieve through a blog, unless you count blabbering about life. and i know i can put the time to better use.

so, im stalling the breath of my virtual life. (haha, that was so melodramatic)

and i've thought about my ankle, and decided that if i habour another negative, whiny thought i should smack myself. because i should be thankful that i'll still have a chance of moving freely when it totally heals.

i can still fulfill my dreams of rock climbing, climbing frozen waterfalls, mountain climbing, horseback riding, etc. i am not wheelchair-bound for the rest of my life, so i should stop complaining like i am going to be.

and maybe im far away from God now, but i know He's always been somewhere near so i'll just have to learn how to turn back. and He'll lead me back, too, in his time. i know i can't do without Him. He'll take care of this whole tough year, He'll take care of the rest of my life.

maybe i can't feel him, but i know faith is more than feelings. :)

and for deemed impossibles, i know too that nothing is impossible with God, and a right attitude. be it studies, physical limitations, relationships.

so after all that thinking, well, life just has to go on. see you in real-life.

2007-05-25T05:54:00.000-07:00

hello. this is me feeling quite shit again because i can't go for njd, oh joy.

and i've analysized, while flung on the sofa watching absolutely meaningless tv programmes, it is probably because i have too much time (esp. on fridays) that i feel extra fat/rotten/blubber-ish about not going to njd, as compared to not being able to go for thurs/wed njd.

yes, i actually bothered to analyse. it took, er, maybe 2mins? then back to restless torture on tv.

i've also analysed, it is perhaps of this shit feeling i can't dispose of that i became a bit emo about my close friend (refer to previous entry). she didn't do anything wrong, but i still feel hurt anyway. its life i suppose, things happen that are beyond your control.

yes i bothered to analyse that too. all hail my analytical mind.

i need tuition for my math/sciences. i need to study more. i need to hug and smile at jolyn more because she's been so nice. i need to mug more for Amath/chem/physics. mug more, it kills you less, you feel cleverer. its a simple formula and a win-win-win situation, problem is i just don't do it.

there're lessons for another week, after that it'll be prelim-mug/coursework rush for the rest of june, and hopefully ninjado pia-ing. God please heal my ankle, nothing else is working. :'(
..grant me the faith to believe.

i need to study more study more study more study more. be a nerd, a geek, whatever. I JUST NEED TO STUDY MORE. and i should just put this thing/blog to hiatus or just shut it down for good, but i have not yet achieved that level of maturity to do so.

friday's ninjado would be ending in approx. 36mins now.

the screen is too bright, the lamp is too bright, my headache is deluding me.
i should sleep early tonight. i really should.

but as before, i have not yet achieved that level of maturity to do so. or anything else i should, for that matter. kudos to me.

and have i mentioned the blog-times are screwed.

2007-05-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

maybe im being oversensitive, maybe not.

maybe there's a basis for all this, maybe not.

i just.. don't understand you anymore

i know none of us wanted it this way, but sometimes we just can't help the way things turn out

and now we -at least i- will just watch

and wonder, maybe,

what would i do, to get you to understand.

-

ok. and that would be the emo way to deal with this. and the mature way would be, to dismiss this as my oversensitivity.

i mean, we've known each other for so long, we know how we never used to impose our views on each other, we know never to expect to be the each other's entire worlds. we've (i would like to believe) been through worst then this.

yeah. its not that bad.

it was only, only a practical solution out.

2007-05-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

heyhey so guess what's the latest craze firing through the nanyang olevel cohort this few days?

yeah you got it (actually probably not), its the dsa-ing rush!

its really quite harmless, except that the application forms are really 0.0
freaky. hahahahaha

we're all prepared to HAHAHA-this-is-really-nuts if we Ever scrape through all of that. scrutinizing results, interviews, auditions.

oh, the greatest book ever:
COMPULSION by Keith Ablow

that freak of a writer's really good. (:
just ONE of her psychological thrillers and its just fab. aw man. everyone should read it.

jolyn wrote me a letter that was damn touching. hahaha.
and im beginning to think about some stuff.

ohwell. anyway. yeats is a beautiful poet.

Those that I fight I do not hate

2007-05-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

just THINKING of it gives me shivers.

i hate water chestnuts. bananas were bad, but at least they don't make me vomit. and bananas are honest, they give out this strong pungent smell so at least people like me get a warning.

water chestnuts on the other hand are so cunning, they look like apples taste like apples and then silently turn my intestines inside out. and it was only half of one small one????!@!

urgh. they should ban this stuff

2007-05-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

tired. just, tired.

and the truth? is that im throughly lost.
and i still don't know what im doing

(p.s. in the midst of my lost-ness, i would still like to comment that this song is nice.)

hahahahaha. am i screwed or what, bored?

2007-05-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE IM ACTUALLY HOME ON THE LAST DAY OF MY MIDYEARS.

i really have no life. i should be out there burning down singapore, i should be flying my ass to the corners of i-don't-know-where.

but NOOOOOOOOOO. im at home stuck with my laptop.

the screen and me. me and the screen. lovely.
my life is seriously incredible.

ohgosh. ):

at least IF MY PAPERS ENDED YESTERDAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I WOULD HAVE COMPANY. but no it had to end today. and the stupid examination hall had only who, huilin and i. (im trying really hard not to hate aep.)

AND NOW EVERYONE ELSE IS BOOKED. and the only unbooked person (in olevels, since ip people are still slogging their heart away) is mindy. and that's cause she's SICK. or else she would scrape herself clean out of the house and be booked too.

):

and things just get worst. IF MY STUPID ANKLE WOULD AT LEAST OBLIGE TO HEAL A LITTLE BIT FASTER I COULD HAVE WENT TO NINJADO LATER, but noooooo. so i'll have to be resigned to being cooped up at home all day AND NIGHT like some dead handicapped chicken.

i have NOTHING TO DO. i have NO LIFE AT HOME RIGHT NOW IVE TO EVEN RESORT TO RANTING HERE WHICH IS REALLY DUMB ANYWAYS BECAUSE I ONLY RANT HERE WHEN IM 1.bored OR 2.emo.

urgh.

this is stunting my emotional growth.

2007-05-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

i think ive supressed myself for far too long.

introverted? shit man i never used to be that. unless, of course i don't feel like talking to you.

what's the point? where's the use? what the hell am i trying to do trying to be someone else so people could accept me. whatevers to that.

that's not me. no use supressing what's me. im not a little happy chirpy little girl. im bad tempered, rash, egocentric, i hate limits. i hate who i hate, i love who i love.

love me if you can accept it. or hate me

i don't suddenly have a split personality bug, im just tired of trying so hard to be someone else, or just nobody so people won't start hating me. maybe i hated the way i was but the truth is im still all that, and will always be unless i face up to it. instead of pushing it under the mat.

no use fading to run away. no use feeling all shit insecure cos you're never yourself. no use trying to be meek. omg, meek. what the.

this stupid act ive embarked on (3 years ago? 4? i can't even bloody remember) to fool everyone, everything, and myself is just. sapping away me. what the hell am i doing.

im not what im not, i am what i am.

wake up, shirley.
if you want to change then start by opening up.

2007-05-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

tomorrow, 5 it will be. i won't be able to sleep much anyway.

2007-05-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, i know, i understand. you're just willing to do anything for more money.

2007-05-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

reading all the archives, i realised ive changed quite a bit.

hmm. its so weird, its like reading about someone else's life - this hypervated girl that has terrible time management (and always just seems to complain about it) who gets emo bugged ocassionally, less some months, more others. and the stuff she writes about. (gawd)

haha, its just, WEIRD.
its not me k. its really not me.

today's outing with devon and mindy was..kinda unproductive (AND WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDST OF OUR MIDYEARS LAAA) but meaningful. LOL, bonding. you know. important.

(: and i finally got the Dreamgirls soundtrack. its really nice, go get it anytime. or you can ask from me, i'll send you the listen-worthy songs. its just jazzy and crazy strong singing, ohoh i just love it when the black ones sing <3

now there's just MICHAEL BUBLE's CALL ME IRRESPONSIBLE. haha i'll get it pronto when i have the bucks. he sings real good too. get that mindy and i'll borrow it from you! xD

we let devon go get her nap (she was getting grumpy) and mindy and i just sat at the chuachukang station talkingtalkingtalkingtalking haha. <3 talking about the end of the world and back again, till she had to go too.

i want to go for njd. lack of high intensity exercise is just making me moody (as evelyn realises as well), and is starting to cause insomia (i believe. or maybe its the midyear stress).

please cartilage healhealheal i promise never to sprain you evereveragagin.

and physics! my love, i'll work sosososo hard on you over the weekend, just don't fail me on monday baby

2007-05-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

there's a certain bliss studying emath and listening to your favourite song.

not the highness kind of happy, but still really contented all the same. its like, everything's just nicely balanced, for once.

or maybe its because this is the first day ever since midyears started that im not wrecking with guilt / paralysed with fear.

hahahaha.
thank God for literature and history. it wasn't that bad, although most of us studied about 1/10 chapters for history (haha, we died for the essay and were conjuring up our own details, *Making History :D )- and i only flipped through my lit text in the bus to school today.

*pause

(: did i mention im contented again?

lol, its times like this when i feel like smiling to someone but NO ONE'S HERE. i should just smile to my phone. -_-"

i pray my ankle'll be ok by next week so i can FINALLY go ninjado after my midyears end (:

ohyea, and ive concluded that devon's just about the SLACKEST PERSON ive seen. (to put in nicer terms, it would be "calm", just so she wouldn't murder me) plus she is highly delusional man --"

just look at her blog add -> thisisahappyblog.blogspot.com
-_-

see.
and devon don't tell me its cause im sadistic and have this melancholy, cheerless view of the world. im not buying it.

point is, STUDY LA WOMAN. don't hou kui mo ji (<-gasp. chinese!)

/i am reminded of md. AHH I MISS DANCE ):

9:09 pm

2007-05-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

"this is intolerable. my fetish for the weird will be my demise."

righto.

help me with my history and literature tomorrow please?

2:11pm

2007-05-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

sucker,
im just a sucker for pretty things. i can't help it

maybe people in art just have an eye for all things beautiful
but urgh i still can't believe im just so superficial.

its so beautiful, so attractive, its replusing.

suck.

12:40pm

2007-05-05T03:40:00.000-07:00

lao. i want to go for friday class. after reading justina's entry, in her new temporary blog. THE TRAINING THERE IS SO MUCH BETTER, the difference is incredible.

and boy will i need it, after rotting myself off in lieu of Mr. Ankle, ho ho. who refuses to heal FAST.

freak. I WANT TO SPAR!??!?!
T.T

went swimming yesterday and swamswamswamswamswamswam till they switched off the pool lights, which is really freaky cos im alone, the pool's dark, and someone's drowned there before. omg.

anyway. IT WAS TERRIFIC. physical tiredness after, SO LONG.
i think, er, i overdid it though. overdid quite a bit, or A LOT.

so now im suffering from the after-effects T.T
shoulder feels..disjointed?

*

~~i did so much of maths i am ready to PUKE exponentials.~~

on hindsight, today was productive.
maybe one day maths will mesmerize me and i'll fall deeply and sadly in love.
but, not today. Thankfully.

JUSTINA IS BEING ELITIST.
well, maybe i can't blame her because THE BLACK SOCIETY IS ELITIST. "the invisible, fleeting elitist ones", i quote, erm, myself (haha). Later she starts assassinating people too.

refuses to tell me how to counter a sweep kick when i ask her -_- because only black belts were told / supposed to know / something like that?
well its ok cos i guessed it in my second try.

STILL

someone tell me the black belts aren't (some-sort) elitist.
or tell me im sterotyping / over-generalising.

ah. today was productive. i shall make tonight productive too (:
going swimming again, it's lovingly addictive! ((:

2007-05-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

justina's excited, and im excited for her
(:

a paper down, and i don't know how everyone seemed to finish (with "quite a lot of time left what") but me?!

ok. maybe i do know why. but still.
evfil chinese.

sitting here listening to inconsequential songs.
just for you to whisper that word and bring on the theatrics

oh brew the deadly concoction of strive and play

4.19pm

2007-05-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

somehow i just knew, i just knew something like that would happen if i spoke too much.

and i don't know why im so afraid of letting people know how i feel, especially those i treasure the most. its just this paralysing fear.

that something will happen to me? that they will reject me? that they will think its stupid?

i don't know. i don't know why, and because i don't know why i can't get rid of it.

sheesh

i don't know why i try so hard supressing so they don't realise something of me that's out of their expectations. its's stiffling, but i don't know why i still do it.

"please don't read through my passiveness, please don't ask."
i don't know why im doing what im doing.

my stupid subconscious brain. im convinced it must be hardwired into me from some dumb "horrific" past experience.

URGH.
i don't know i don't know i don't know.

by the way, i Hate stray smses.
it was meant for you again, mindy. Again.

HAIYA
@#$%#%^^&%

2007-05-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

if only
i could get used to this sucking of life - as part of my life

ok im going to be strong, with God. and i know He's somewhere. or, everywhere. i need to start praying again for strength.

if what they say is true, that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then im bloody making sure this isn't going to kill me.

pride is what irks me the most.

and, try as i may, pride is what i cannot even Start to empathise with. simply because there is nothing behind pride to try to understand. pride is just, well, disgusting pride.

how God can forgive even that, is well, just amazing.

tiresome. this is tiresome.

"The mighty man will become tinder
and his work a spark;
both will burn together,
with no one to quench the fire."

Isaiah 1:31

its scary how true this is in my life.
sometimes i wonder

2007-04-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time." -- T.S. Eliot

other than that which i pasted about an hour ago, i must declare

I AM CURRENTLY EXTREMELY HIGH.

WEEEEEEEE.

hahahahahahahahahhahaha, justina makes me high with her current cloud 8.7 temporarily permanent euphoric status. HAHA

who knows, she might even promote to cloud 20+
JUSTINA, I HAVE FULL CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

stupid la, she's like "eh?"-ing and "huh?"-ing for every alternate comment i make. WE WONDER WHY, LOL

LALALALALALALA/
I WAS HARDWORKING TODAY SO I SHALL LIKE TOTALLY FLOP NOW. studying with devon today, and its so funny la we totally CLICK. lol.

and, and, and, i am convinced mindy and aug have something on. i don't mind, but COMMON, SHE'S DUMPING ME FOR HIM!?!?

i don't see how running and kayaking with a certain Aug can be so fun. like yea mindy i know im totally not the sea-type and you're not the land-type but, ?!?@?#?@$?#?$@#%?$^?%?#$?%$#...?#$?#@?!

OKAY IM BEING STUPID. LOL
instead, i should make up for this stupidity that inevitably comes with high-ness, by being magnanimous :)

lol ok then, CONGRATS MINDY! <3
LOVE

gosh, i haven't been feeling like that for since like, forever.

oh, and look what i founddddddd

PHILANTROPHIC means GIVING
BENIGNANT means KINDLY
COMPLAISANT means AGREEABLE

oh geeeeeeeee. like what is wrong with the language mannn
(or me, LOL)

2007-04-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

i love justina.

have i mentioned that?

oh and i am so, so

going to study freakishly hard - with no concentration breaks,

and play so hard after

and when i finally get out of the rat race i will

backpack myself across new zealand

and everywhere that has 1/snow mountains and 2/streams 3/green grass and 4/nice blue skies.

look big, and its ok that results

don't really yield immediately

as long as i try my hardest.

oh oh i'll balance them, watch it

and even if the whole world says i can't

do it i know

you'll always be there

to say i can, cause

you're helping me and

you're out of this world.

love ya <3
because you define me, by first dying
for us all.

i need to study, but i need to be free too.

but don't worry mom
i'll make you proud of me, just you see.

2007-04-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

GOLD WITH HONOURS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i can't even BEGIN to describe how happy i feel, how much this means to all of us. SERIOUSLYYYY.
i really regret not going to school now, SHOULD HAVE WENT. then i could have ran around the school and just screamed my lungs out with fel.

its ok, fel promises to scream with me tomorrow first thing in the morning, whatever about the keeping quiet during assembly. ZOMG HAHAHAHAHAHA

<3
nymd is the love. just pure, pure love (:
I LOVE YOU GUYS, IN CASE YOU STILL DON'T ALREADY KNOW.

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO.

WHO WANTS TO SCREAM WITH ME CAN CALL ME. ANYTIME.

10:14 PM

2007-04-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

what's the use when you pretend to be so sensitive and understanding - to strangers and people you don't really know, but don't really give a damn about the ones close to you?

what's the use, really?

when a kid builts -block by block- a tower that stumbles in the end; you can't just point at the last block and say it was the cause.

still, they fall, and there are consequences.

i don't know when/what to tell you, how to tell you, or whether i should just brand your name in my mind as hyprocrite.

2007-04-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

i love you love you guys, i don't want to leave. T.T
not after so much..

in true love beauty has no boundaries- and you know just how beautiful we are together, as one, in reflection in training in war and in victory.

and i just know we'll claim the victory, we will will will.

love<3

to mention, mr gordon is the best best best bestest nicest greatest teacher we will ever have. WE WERE ALL SO TOUCHED. :'(

and now let us think just how we're going to leave you guys...

because Dancing bonds,
So love, won't you dance with me again tonight/

10:20PM

2007-04-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

LOADS

HAPPENED.

twisted my ankle, quite badly, nicely on wednesday morning
so grading'll have to go - along with that blackbelt.
(daaaaarn)

kissed them sweet goodbyes in an absent minded jump backstage.
NO I WASN'T HAVING FUN OK FELICIA. but yea its so STUPID. like felicia said, i can fly through all the complicated stuff easy and get my ankle badly twisted from a stupid simple HOP.

really, shirley.
(well, at least it was when i was teaching someone so, at least there's a benefit Somewhere.)

but now, my ankle's still not strong but im really trusting in God.

i know He didn't bring me so far just to let things fall away because of one ankle. He'll bring me through, and carry me through the dance (:

which badly twisted ankle heals at so exceedingly fast a rate? its miraculous, really by the spirit of the Lord :)

and even though its frightening, but it has been peaceful and fulfilling as well, learning to trust in Him through this. :)

*

syf is in 2 days time. no, considering the time now, its in a day and a night.
(SCREAMS) the pressure's oh so building up but we're strong as a group now, there's no regrets, nothing left but for us to give it all.

im so proud of all of us, on how far we've came. even though we started off as being quite segregated but LOOK AT US NOW. (: its all just so amazing, really.

this will be fel's/my/enrui's last big performance before we're let off officially from dance, and i know all of us will never ever forget this whole experience. i can't describe it, but this is so real, so..precious.

we can do it, really. we've already come so far from the past.

but no matter what we'll get, no matter the judgement of others, no matter the colour of that medal - we all know there's something more substantial and more real than all of that.

inside all of us, together.

so lets just go all out, and go out with a bang.
and the stage is where we will wage our war :)

GO MODERN DANCERS, THE STAGE IS OURS.

21/04 , 6:31pm

2007-04-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

one, let me try to sort out my thoughts.

for once, im agreeing that keeping in is not going to be of any help. i know these messed up feelings churn and churn and churn inside and become emo-fied messes SO I SHOULD STOP TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP STUFF IN.

or more of, i should start breaking this habit of mine.

i'll admit i do get jealous easily, i'll admit i never saw your affection / fatherly love / speck of concern -and perhaps im short of sight-, and i'll admit its hard to swallow if you remember her birthday and get her a present, and forgot all about mine.

maybe its my fault that im equating your love to birthday presents, but i don't know what else to equate it to.

when you talk either you're scolding me or blaming me for their childish fights, and i think over time i grew to never really like talking to you.

i habour this simmered anger towards you that seems to always be there, and i think i'd tried hard enough to extinguish this bitterness, but it only takes so little to trigger everything.

i know you're hard of expressing, but can't you say something direct? for once?
so i can stop reading the little little things, like birthday presents, like how you ask about her and never of me, like how it'll always be my perfectionism that i have to sleep late doing work- and that its a problem with her school when she sleeps late doing hers.

like how you remember her birthday and cleanly forgot mine.

i'll go for camps, celebrate my birthdays there, come back, and have nothing mentioned back home. comparing with the hugs first thing in the morning from beaming friends, the surprise they planned at the stroke of midnight, singing something they know i love, giving something they hope i'll like, all the smses and every effort, no matter big or small.

i'll think back and i really feel like crying, i never expected all that.

its not that i like receiving all that attention, or crave after material things to measure love, but i don't think i ever felt that back home my existence was treasured.

i know i am treasured, somehow, but how are you supposed to think after you've compared the effort outsiders make and effort your own family makes? when i never asked of anything from both of them

truly, More Than Words.

and i thank God, because of every approaching birthday i'll pray to God that i wouldn't be dissappointed, or feeling lonely on my birthday, and i'll secretly pray for a birthday present i know he'll never hesitate to give. and he answered everytime i prayed - these 2 years were the happiest birthdays i could experience.

ive learnt not to expect anything, to learn not to harbour expectations so as not to be dissappointed, but the difference is hard to accept, as much as i'll want to avoid it.

i wouldn't cry for a birthday celebration, i don't really want to leave that bad memory hooked to every birthday i'll celebrate at home later on. i don't think i can cry either, pride'll stop me before anything else.

and i'll like to think that somehow it'll be easier to manage that bloody streak of jealousy if i sorted it out here. pieced the painful parts and make sense of it, convincing me things ive gradually lost faith in.

i hate cakes, you know that, but i'll gladly eat it if you bought it for me, on my birthday.

and before i go, i'll like to wish a happy belated birthday to my sister, Jessica Lee Mei Hui, whose birthday fell on the 7th of April.

i didn't forget you know, but i couldn't bring myself to tell you that.

10/4, 9:43PM

2007-04-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

deleted.
cause its just a post of trying to keep in everything whilst trying to figure the mess out. (with the latter minimaly done, haha)

8/4, 11:54PM

2007-04-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

i think, He wanted to show me how far He'd brought me.

and although things from the past may still make me weak in the knees, numb in my feet,
i know He's carried me for so long, and He'll continue to work in me.

i must admit, sometimes i feel like im leading a double life. and i don't think i can eradicate this on my own, so Lord i really really need you like never before. or, like always before.

trying so hard to prove im worth something, forgetting that in His eyes we are all already so precious, is always a trap i'll fall unconsciously into. especially nowadays with all the hectic rushing like nuts.

hmmm. God still have lots to clean up for me.

:)

this week i am accident prone. snapped my glasses, effectively twisted one ankle, then the other some time after. and i got a bit emo cos of the stress and mopped around abit.

sigh. the stuff here and coming:

MATHS + CHEM CATCHING UP/UNDERSTANDING
LIT PROJECT - PRESENTATION AND ESSAY
BROWN BELT GRADING
SYF
MIDYEARS
COURSEWORK

i need super human strength.

7/4 8:43PM

2007-04-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

something i stumbled across that spoke to me:

A: Im so afriad that i'll fall sooon.
B: Take courage ,soldier of the cross!
A: But this week's been fine, but i had to pray and do so much. What if my feelings, hurts, and what-nots all come back suddenly.
B: They wont, because right now God's healing you every moment. It takes time,
but surely you believe in His perfect plans and timing. All you need to do is
have that faith that many of us lack.

God
please give me

faith that you will carry me through
hope that we cannot see, to trust despite all circumstances
love that no one can ever fill
peace that calms my soul
rest for my weary spirit

sometimes i wonder how everything fell so fast, all in a day
i feel like fire in a downpour.

no, not feel. Am

i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you

i need you Lord, thats all i need. thats all i need.

3/4 11.00PM

2007-04-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Endlessly by B44

don't search for the lyrics, don't try listening for them real hard either, they're quite sad. but guess what! i like songs of this genre (: oh i could listen to this song over and over and over and over and over.

AND,
TODAY WAS THE OFFICIAL HANDING UP OF THAT VISUAL ARTS TASK TO CAMBRIDGE.

it is truly a cause for celebration. WE HAVE BEEN UNDER ITS TORTURE FOR FAR TOO LONG. 3 months, to be exact. 3 long, long months, but actually i've really learnt a lot through this.

first above all is not to feed myself undue stress and do last minute rush work again. Thank God i could complete it this time round, it's pushed me to try finishing my coursework by JULY.

much as i complain though, this visual arts task (the actual proposal and all the designs) have left quite some deep emotional sentiments. because of everything we (as the olevel AEP students) have gone through together, what ive learnt (it was some hard lesson ><), and what God revealed and demostrated through the course of this.

so as this ends today ive to rise up and face the mountain of homework ive been pushing aside to make time for this- all the work ive to catch up with. an amaths test this thursday, teachers to answer to for skipping classes to do VAT, dancedancedancedancedance, grading!, MIDYEARS.

hahahaha, everything's just a never ending cycle really. and everything changes, everything looks worth pursuing for. and if we just end up chasing after everything that glitters we'll be left drained, our soul empty in the nights we've to face.

so im really more and more convinced, that the only thing that true and actually worth time pursuing hard, is God.

so this year, im studying hard for God. he shall be my mentor and counsellor and guide. and tutor, especially for maths.

<3

but God, i need help, to help me curb this never ending desire for that one thing, something i've struggled by myself for too long, something only you know

2/4, 10:56pm

2007-03-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

As i crunch over from a mysterious stomachache and type this, i ponder the extend of how much we really take for granted the peace in our land. where we live without strife, fear, pain, where all races live peacefully and simultaneously alongside each other.

where we might be a small country, but our land has been blessed with strong leaders. it is a place where we as her occupants have not seen the shortage of food, nor been denied the justice of equal opportunity as we go about our daily lives.

we have schools to attend, to nurture our minds. yes, we should be thankful we have homework to do, that we have teachers. that we have our parents, that we have families, friends, and the freedom of choices. yes, even the time to complain.

yes i have been guilty of that many a time, especially when stress seems to build up like no other. but despite all these compliants, surely we should know..

that we have been blessed, truly. like no other.

which country has no natural resource at all and still manages to be the most prosperous in the region? which country as small as ours can survive peacefully with its neighbours for so long, without being taken over?

...

i have no idea why i just spurt all that out. maybe its the stomachache.

before i go, though, i must give credit to God, for he has answered prayers despite my sore lack of faith.
the fact that i've survived through today (or more than survived, actually) i know He's been planning everything nicely for me. so many surprises..

and what i thought impossible during the weekend, He revealed to me today :)

i must learn from Him faith :))

and jiayou jiayou evelyn!! remember nothing's impossible with God! and even though its really stressful but its really cool to go this tough patch with you.

hold on ya, cause God's not gonna let go of you. :)

2007-03-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

Quando Quando Quando

Tell me when will you be mine
Tell me quando quando quando
We can share a love divine
Please don't make me wait again

When will you say yes to me
Tell me quando quando quando
You mean happiness to me
Oh my love please tell me when

Every moment's a day
Every day seems a lifetime
Let me show you the way
To a joy beyond compare

I can't wait a moment more
Tell me quando quando quando
Just say it's me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Every moment's a day
Every day seems a lifetime
Let me show you the way
To a joy beyond compare

I can't wait a moment more
Tell me quando quando quando
Say it's me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Oh my darling tell me when
And then darling tell me when
Oh my darling tell me when

i think i used to try real hard to like rock songs, but really, they're not my type :) not even the semi rock ones, like Avril. of course now she totally turned herself into a blondie, but nevermind.

on second thoughts, there you have it, attitude doesnt last.

haha. i am biased.

another song! a little too many high pitchy parts, but nice nevertheless :)

I Need You by Leann Rimes

I dont need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
Ive always needed something
But Ive got all I want
When it comes to loving you
Youre my only reason
Youre my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heavens gate
Theres a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

Youre the hope that moves me
To courage again
Youre the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And its so amazing
cause thats just how you are
And I cant turn back now
cause youve brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heavens gate
Theres a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heavens gate
Theres a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you

yeah, i need you Lord :)

9:44PM 22March

2007-03-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

HAHA BUT ITS CUTE!!
(although a bit not me)

aww man people just give me a break, its only a template.. i got so sick of dark black backgrounds.

and so this is like, PERFECTO :)

camp was great! (i mean dance camp, but the sec 4 camp too, anyway)
not in the fun way actually...it wasn't like a great rocket blast of fun, but the piece really improved a lot! in terms of the emotions and the whole feel of the piece, and the togetherness of us all :)

love <3

it was tiring, but great :)
the next few weeks will be packed, with syf, njd practises, midyears.. BUT WITH GOD I'LL COPE. or, more than cope :)

ive not really been depending on God nowadays, and have been compromising on quiet time. but as with jon lee's case as aletheia, julia and i were dumbfounded to find out yesterday - God honours the time you spend with Him, and He will take care of everything if you just depend on Him.

because,
JONATHAN HAS FINISHED ALL HIS HOMEWORK. (*faints*) and this is despite all other commitments of his. is he burned out? (doesn't seem like it) and he stops work at 10 to do qt for an hour plus. sometimes wakes up at 6 to continue doing hw.

julia, too, shared on praying and dependence on God during these stressful times.

and so yesterday's main message of the sharing was to pray and really depend on God for strength, to ask and He will provide. this really goes with what's been happening in my past week too.

these past few days God has been constantly raising up past issues that ive buried inside for quite a while now. issues that i struggle with, that i run away from whenever i can.

all these brought up in the span of the past week, stretching over to the coming one which promises all the stress of things-to-be-done and not-done. (which amounts to A lot) the week actually seems pretty bleak.

but i believe God is calling for a dependence on Him, utterly, and finally -after trying to struggle by myself for so long.

hmm. this is going to be a hard week. but as our heavenly daddy says, My grace is sufficient for you.

so Father, help me to have the faith and dependence in you. cause i know i can't make it on my own.

2007-03-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

ive spent 3 full days,

AND NOW MY ROOM IS THE LOVE <3 its so neat ok. x)
im so going to make sure it Stays that way

and seriously its just such a miracle i can finish packing my room!
i know it sounds stupid, but its,um, emotionally exhausting? to decide whether or not to throw stuff away.
lol, i get attached to all the wrong stuff. haiya.

HAHA, BUT WHATEVER IM DONE WITH IT.
devon manages to convince me there's no use in keeping sec 1 and 2 stuff even though you feel a bit (understatement) sad that they have to go

but now im happy happy happy (:

realised also that a reason why i love sports sometimes is the realness of it all, in contrast to the fancifulness of art.... that although art reflects life sometimes so much of it is make believe.

my vocabulary isn't large enough to fully explain how it feels.. but you know what i mean?
lol

ive been blessed to know that its all about attitude, really. so whatever, however hard it takes, i'll perservere and push on in hope and God's strength. to give my best in everything (:

should i say it again?
I LOVE MY ROOM xD

thank the Lord for giving me that extra ompf to actually finish packing it, despite all my doubts in the process.. :)

dance camp on thurs!
i want to be so throughly throughly tired out!

14Mar, 1.05AM

2007-03-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

:)

i can't describe it, but i'll never forget it for the rest of my life
<3 414

Saying i love you

Is not the words i want to hear from you

Its not that i don't want to

Hard to say but if you only knew

How easy, it would be to show me how you feel

More than words,

Is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say

That you love me

Cause i already know..

it was so overwhelming..
hahaha and all of you know how much i am a sucker for this song!

its more than what words can say, but it was the best birthday i ever had - it meant so much to me

thank you :)
for nuts, i'll never ever ever forget it

<3

thank God..

2007-03-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is the deadline for our AEP Visual Arts Task.
and, as per normal, every AEP student (well almost) is rushing it like nuts.

ok, i am supposed to, too - i promised i'll start typing the 1500 proposal at 10:45 pm (its 10:48 now, but i reckon i few more minutes wouldn't kill. xP)

if you think i started late, devon wanted to start at 10, but we were just talking and she was like, "oh i haven't started - im still laughing away with jamie -inserts smiley face- "

and as if to justify her cause, "its damn funny la! -more smiley faces- "

LOL, if that isn't bad enough..

conversation with evelyn:
me:
*tells evelyn about devon 10 o'clock plan, about my 10:45*
evelyn:
haha. okay...well. i reckon i'll start much later >< me:
HAHA
and what are you doing?
evelyn:
nothing. trying to recover my good mood or i won't get started on anything

HAHAHA. evelyn's the BEST i tell you. she has the total capability to say that in full seriousness. lol

and this is yiting's take on the VAT RUSH! while having a nice time talking to me simultaneously:

"HA! i feel myself floating in the air mannnn..."

and now, we're like

yiting:
"im PREPARED TO STAY UP U NTIL 5 AGAIN!"
"oh yayae, i am x)"

me:
"no la, i'll sleep at 3 i don't care"

yiting:
"okay"
"i hope i can sleep earlier than you :)"
"wuaha"

and, (later)
"babablackSHEET!"
"oops i mean SHIT"

"er, save the sheep?"

and we're supposed to be so stressed? lol

-11:08 pm
(blog time = screwless, contrary to popular belief that it is actually screwed - in place.)

am i making sense? don't feel like im making sense.
oh no x)

2007-03-01T05:30:00.001-08:00

because you were born a day late

because bus journeys are dangerous, i recognised a pair of eyes that were so vaguely familiar

because i thought i knew better then

because many things in life come overdued

is God trying to tell me something?
Father take away this deafness of my heart

"He is no fool to give up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

2007-02-24T08:28:00.001-08:00

no other love competes, no rival throne survives, and i serve only You.

and i think the acoustic is wonderfully soothing. somehow it just touches something inside of me whenever i heard it, and you feel like the world can come to a peaceful standstill. it just captures my heart ya.
and dear evelyn can play it like a pro :) and she can play the violin too! isn't that just So romantic? hahahaha

music from the guitar gives me the same feeling as root beer float, just 100% bliss. x)

and when evelyn plays More Than Words on her guitar (which is more complicated to learn, i think), its just HEAVENLY. goshhhhh. hahahaha

and it makes me happy :)

i love the song, and i love the guitar, and i love the player xD

ok. haha i didn't know why i suddenly touched on such a random topic man.

but today has been a blissful day i think. for one, there's suddenly just so much hope.

hope promised from God :)

yeah :) and all the emo-ness from yesterday is gone. well the problems don't just dissappear, but God has promised strength for every hurdle we have to cross. and this year i want to claim the victory he has promised for everyone in him.

praypraypray, is what we have to do, to guard our hearts against the enemy who constantly wants us to feel how unworthy we are as christians whenever we fail God.
"what kind of a christian are you?" "you're a fake christian" are some of the things non christians would think or say that may make us feel unworthy, or feel exactly like a failure, failing God.

but we are already assured of a new identity, a new purpose in Jesus because he died for us. his death eradicates this feeling of unworthiness once we understand that it is precisely because we are fallen beings that he died for our sins, to wipe away our feelings of unworthiness. and because of this we have nothing to be ashamed about, we are to rise up and continue to shine for him, and continue to perservere even when we fail. and there are bound to be failures in our lives, wrong decisions we make, shadows of our past..

and it starts with praying and building a relationship with him day by day, step by step - a little step at a time. (:

so basically this was what i understood of today's sermon, i thought it was good :)

oh, and on the subject of failing. well halfway through the sermon the dove advertisement was refered to, and hannah told me how this teenage girl she was sitting opposite from on the bus cried when the dove advertisement song played. and the worst thing was how you know the adverts would always replay... and the girl would tear everytime, smudging her mascara and all..

the song goes something like (if im not wrong):
i see your true colours, shining through
i see your true colours, so don't be afraid
to let them show
you're beautiful, like a red rose

sigh. wish i was there to give that girl a hug or something.
i know that feeling sucks lots.

2007-02-22T07:02:00.001-08:00

there's something wrong, i can feel it in my bones, but i can't pinpoint the source.

i hate the way you come home smelling of stuff you know isn't good for you, but i don't think you really bother.

the way they pile up like sand over sand, hardening, and piling up again.

the way it smothers you? its insidiously evil.

sand's an impurity. and im thinking of electrolysis, or electricity.

but its just the way it saps off hope that's disheartening. sometimes there's just things you don't have the brain for.

sleeping at all the wrong times.

tiredness that seeps. wee.

like joy luck club and all the altered happy endings. a little fake feeling?

still, helplessness beams. its clear like water. whatever the bond.

and you know they say sometimes literature is just an escape.

i know you're lonely, i don't dare to do anything. pride, i think.

okay

i tried, in the least. hope you're better.

movement on the dance floor. its more than meets the eye, really.

if i knew it cost so much - maybe...

maybe its just the frail me. brittleness? like porcelain. we all know they break

a tornedo spins, brings along everything in its path in a merry go ride.

they teach us there's an eye in the middle

like an oasis in the desert??

i sweat a lot, i tire easily. its a condition from heaven?

it is beautiful?

i see perfectly fine (with glasses), but there are some things im blind to.

sometimes its the fear that drives escapism in a jaguar (is that how you spell it?). posh cars

i know its escapism when im here even when im not supposed to

"whatever" counts too, i suppose.

feeling that loads lately. i don't like feelings.

wondering why you try your best but you still can't touch the monkey bar.

funny how it bothers me more now then in my childhood.

i miss my dangerous bicycle rides. i miss the wind in my hair.

i dare not miss what i cannot hold.

yea i'll stop

and i thought thought thought thought thought thought,
that you could think your sorrows away.

help me see you are bigger than all of these.

2007-02-20T06:27:00.001-08:00

back from a trip back to malaysia for the chinese new year, and i find myself thrown into and stuck onto a horribly tangled sticky web of things not-done and to-do.

a whole mount everest tall of them, and a humongously disgustingly big web of them.

and on a sidenote, everyone seems to have gotten the lovebite over the chinese new year. everyone's being very lovey-doveyish on their msn nicknames or blog posts.

well ok maybe not everyone's very lovey dovey, but still, love is touched on and pondered. and its scary reading blogs and reading how much their world is really twisted to the other One, and you try not to think how their world will crash one day should anything go wrong.

its like a horrible emotional rollercoaster, esp. at our age when we're all not mature enough to sustain anything.

hmm. that's a very long sidenote.

ok i don't really regret going malaysia.
had fun and all, did some homework there, and most importantly met my grandmother who took care of me when i was young.

as my mother always hinted every year of recent years, we'll never know if it'll be the last time we'll be able to see her.

so i don't regret it i don't regret it i don't regret it.

yeah.
actually im just damn scared right now, i don't know how / where to start. Lord help me see that you are so much bigger than all of these, help me see light of this song lyric

when all things that surround, become shadows in the light of you

grant me your peace, your wisdom and your hope father

2007-02-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness, i typed out this whole long entry and POOF its gone like pink smoke. :(

OKAY. anyway it was about how great yesterday was, and it was reallyreally great!

THIS, is when we were getting so bored waiting for the cny performances to start, we starting juggling oranges that were supposed to be given to the teachers or something.

LOOK I CAN JUGGLE!
lol ok not really. im a shit-juggler, but justina just managed to capture a moment when an orange was in the air before it fell to the ground.

justina came halfway while we were juggling! and we had some orange photo whoring times. i think at one we were kissing the oranges but justina deleted that photo :(

when the performances finally started, the oranges were very soft and swishy.

photos above courtesy of justina's new camera phone :)) she suggested i should put this up cos its tangerine-ish. =_=

wee i haven't been feeling so happy in so long! yesterday was blastified :)

after that, went back to zhenghua!<33
lol ok actually i didn't want to go (i was waiting for my bus home already), but the hci people called and told me they've been waiting for 1.5 hours at the bus stop waiting for my school to end without having lunch (God knows why they didn't)

well i felt a bit guilty so in the end i went with them (talk about guilt traps -_-) but i didn't regret it! :)

met others along the way, and actually we were stopped at the gate cos SOME PEOPLE weren't in their school uniforms but alfred climbed a pillar and sang the school song so i suppose that got us in -_- maybe if more of them did that we could have gotten in faster? hahahahaha

our marvelous photo! cos we spotted some other group who were having theirs so we wanted ours with ms tok too xD

top row: MS TOK, william, alfred, nigel, qing yang, victor, hongsheng second row: yitong, huangting, me!, alvin

julia came later so she wasn't in the photo. muaha xD

OH AND WILLIAM CHANGED SO MUCH. as i recount for the 6th time, first time i got down the bus to meet the hci people i was thinking why they brought one foreign hci friend along.... after a while he looked kinda familiar??? then i was like OH GOSH THAT'S WILLIAM.

hahahahaha even ms tok was like "oh wait, is that william??!?" after talking to us for like, 5-10mins?
yitong huanting were like 0.0, and nigel couldn't guess who was he. LOL

then after that we watched Ghostrider! which wasn't very nice so don't watch it. :( it was ok la, but plot's predictable, and i don't like predictable. and i thought the ending was dumb -_-

nevertheless all the talking and interacting before that was fun!
hahahaha and after that yitong julia and i had this girl talk back home that was just reallyreally cool :)

oh and anyways. HONGSHENG SAYS WE'RE NOT INTERESTING / FUNNY ENOUGH FOR HIM LETS JUST ALL BASH HIM UP.

lol ok. for his sake, i rephrase.
he was like "eh but all the interesting people all not there de leh" and i was like ?!??!! so he tries to explain himself,
"no no, i mean, like junwen the funny people all not here"...

which essentially means the above mentioned (in caps).
hahaha, SHEESH!

lol, primary times are still the best :)

hee, since im here, look what i found jiayi pasted on her table when i looked up from the maths one fine maths lesson:

EVELYN and JIAYI. same class since sec 1, love them loadds (:
(lol, finally convinced evelyn to pose for a photo)

lol, i love my class :)

2007-02-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

you seek me, even as i fail you
your embrace carries me as i fall
your love dries my tears

you tore the veil
you made the way
Lord you alone know my heart
father you know my pain

you go before me
you shield my way
Lord you promise your everlasting love

and in my darkest hour
i know you're there
your prescence surrounding me

Father you gave the cross
and i know
you love me

teach me how to love you, father.

Lord i am but a wreck, but father show me your way

2007-02-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

another week's past, im beginning to fall into a rather specific blogging pattern.

ohwell.

i shant say its another stressed week because i think that it's a pretty undeniable, unchanging fact and of no use to put in repeitition week after week. nevertheless, it has been somewhat an interesting day today.

the release of olevel results, on a dready friday. so much for all the talk on putting it on a monday to decrease suicide rates. still, we got to sit in in the hall with the year 06 sec fours and stare at our yardsticks for our next year results.

and they were good, so proud of them :) but we're the last olevel batch from our school, i suppose the school administration has even higher expectations of us.

the waiting was H O R R I B L E. but im so thankful for my chinese results. i am convinced it wasnt any of my part, nor my hard work (i had barely put in any). my chinese absolutely Sucks and there was a real probable chance i'll fall a notch short of my expectations, but God really worked. i am beyond, beyond thankful.

the proposition of olevels is daunting. olevel marks a new environment seeking your adaption after judging your "intellectual capacities". it shakes your secure world. -not a very nice feeling indeed :(

good thing its earlier this year, i want to get it over and done with pronto. i hope it'll be over quick, like a snap of a finger. click, and gone. but i fantasize.

haha, nahh it'll be ok. i'l have to stop thinking so much and start trusting in God instead - and everything'll be just fine in his hands. :)

2007-02-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

wee. ok its been such a horribly stressed out week.
lots to do, loads to catch up on. but thank God he's always there to support me and give me strength.

its hard though, to juggle time and put God first inspite of all of the things to do... but He is the controller of time, and i should learn to trust in him in seemingly impossible circumstances.

its only the fifth week of the first term, and we foresee these busy weeks to be a norm in the weeks to come.

but im really thankful for jolyn and the mornings we meet other just to talk about our struggles, do quiet time, pray...

i believe God has placed people around me to just comfort me, ms yeo my cca teacher in charge talking to me about a matter very close to my heart, my church friends and my friends in school..

esp my class, which i have grown to love a lot(:
everyone's just really nice and cause our class size comes a notch smaller than the normal classes we're all really bonded and close.

hmm. and i thank God for tennis that mindy and i are crazy over!! haha...it really destresses me loads, but i pray it'll not become a tripping stone to my relationship and dependence unto him. sometimes i know i use it as some sort of an escape from all that stress. (good thing we're not really very good at it:D )

i think ive got too many things packed into my schedule, but i think God is tuning my self discipline (which really sucks) through this.
though it all seems so impossible but God's asking me to trust in him to bring me through.

yup. my quiet time isn't that consistent pray God'll help me find the discipline.. and there's a certain someone i believe i owe an apology to (face to face), but im too afraid to apologize. gee,

BUT IVE TO PICK UP THE COURAGE AND APOLOGIZE.

THIS COMING WEEK.

praying for strength.

2007-01-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

Days
28/1

sometimes.
sitting by the fire place,
drying out
of rainy days.

sometimes.
pondering if poems hide,
aghast emotions
a hermit's outcry.

sometimes.
reading in the midst of silence,
page by page of
promised hope.

sometimes.
walking on a straightened path,
taking in the present,
a gift.

sometimes.
turning around,
just for a glimpse to look away
of flitting shadows past.

sometimes.
stringing words of rhyme,
moulding needs
to pretty lines.

~~sometimes.~~
needing just the comfort of,
undying love
and love inspite.

-

(from amandas yina lishian's blog)

The wind blew your letter out of my hands
Before i read the part where you said 'hello' again.

sad eh?

2007-01-24T23:32:00.000-08:00

a forwarded email, but i think it's beautiful:

This morning when I awoke

And saw the sun above,
I softly said, "Good morning, Lord,
Bless everyone I love"

Right away I thought of you and said a loving prayer,

That He would bless you
specially,

and keep you free from care.
I thought of all the happiness a day could hold in store,

I wished it all for you because no one deserves it more.
I felt so warm and good inside,
my heart was all aglow.
I know God heard my prayers for you,

He hears them all, you know.

-

this week has been just busy (extreme understatement), but ive a lot to thank God for nevertheless.
without Him i think i would have died 2 days into the week.

i pray though for a deeper hunger and relationship for Him. right now i think im just rushing through qt and doing for the sake of doing. :(
its a real struggle to strike that balance, so i pray for wisdom and discernment.

today, though, is ninjado day! (ohno hahaha i make it sound like some kind of funfair-have-fun day)
really thank God for njd, cos its really shiok to just perspire and be breathless and get that adrenaline rush into your bloodstream.!
exercise is good :))

<3, tomorrow is PE, and even though the 5 rounds is a little tad bit depressing but we're playing TENNIS! oh lovelovelove x)

-

sometimes its hard not to be a little down over some outstanding issues, but yea i know God's there with me all the time, watching over me.

and sometimes there's just some things that spin so fast you don't catch it, or sometimes you just wonder why things happen the way they do, why things are so hard now, why struggles never seem to go away.

but i suppose its God's way of letting us grow.
life isn't a bed of roses and baby breaths, but God promises rest and His strength for everything we go through. :)

and the promise that he's in control, shaping everything slowly - is comforting. even though most of the time you don't see his hand.

i want to be closer to God! pray that he'll teach me to trust in him totally.

oh, and what does it mean to "wrestle with God"?

2007-01-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

GOD IS GREAT.

ok ive got this new laptop, and sometimes the connection just goes really really screwed.
and YEAH. at one of the most urgent times LIKE TODAY, JUST NOW, JUST TEN MINTUES AGO, it decided to be cut off from the internet world.

and seriously i was at my wit's end. shutting down and restarting the computer didn't work. x(
and stuff has GOT to be sent out, (tomorrow's the DAY see)

so there i was panicking like nobody's business and getting all frustrated and cranky and everything AND then i remembered the verse for last week they made us memorise.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlegde him, and He will make your paths straight."
proverbs 3 v5:6

so i prayed and stilled my heart, praying for that "straight path" and for trust.
then with a beating heart i restarted my com again.

AND BOOM AND THE CONNECTION'S ON.

GOD IS AMAZING.

maybe it sounds really plain to you now, and you're there thinking its nothing much - but when you're at your wit's end stuck at yet another roadblock, its not just a small thing anymore.

GOD IS GREAT, helping me despite me being extremely horrid when i was frustrated.
Lord i thank you for your mercy :)

yea, and today i got a sudden sms from my primary school friend whom i haven't been talking to for a long time. yitong, and she sent this:

What's minnie without mickey,
what's tigger without pooh,
what's patrick without spongbob,
what's me without you?

send this to 15 friends you never want to lose

ok it may sound cliche and extremely childish to some --(extremeists might even be snorting just about now)--, but there's no denying that somehow there's this warm feeling that glows when you receive this on a homework-havotic night

and so, (more to torment you)
if i were a king, you would be my kong.
if i were tokoyo, you would be my gozilla,

and I LOVE YOU are the 2 words ive got for you, (and if you're starting to conclude that stress is absolutely frying my brain)
its cause you and i- are one

x)

hahahaha. this' for you in no descending order of importance or whatsoever: :)

mindy jolyn justina jasmine aletheia julia rachel nicole stace micelle yiting zijing devon yayan joy yitong sujah jiayi evelyn xueying ruthi shiru trxie leanne aileen heiyi felicia jiaying meisiew and so so many more! (i realise its really too many to list all here)

but should you see this or not, know that you've all made me so happy, and i thank God for providing all these little sugar delights in my life :)
and may he bless your life too
*hugs

2007-01-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

stuck in a moment that was never meant to last

this was someone's nickname that caught my attention because it was so beautifully strung together and well, hopelessly sad ):
(not that im some sadist)

well i found out from the author that it's part of a song lyric - explaining its melanchony. haha, but that't not really the point.

another reason it caught my eye, i believe, is also because ive been caught in that never ending maze once. its a terrible feeling, of being binded tightly to something that you know can never happen, and in your lows it keeps coming back to flood your mind.

and i was caught for a long long time, feeling like im just whirling around in the same torpedo that once swept me off my feet. round and round, and round and round, not moving anywhere, not getting anywhere - just staying on the same spot and twirling.

of course you don't really show it by looking like some kinda of a walking dead zombie, but you know inside your soul its just stagnant - caught up in a moment that wasn't meant to be.

BUT.
thinking back of all these make me so thankful, because i see God's HUGE hand imprint during those horrible times. He freed me from all those binds, set me free for Him and gave this light in my life. and you feel like your soul's living and breathing again, not just coldly stagnant.

of course it was a slow process, almost killingly slow- but i trust in God's timing, because it is in that slowness that i appreciate the true fleeting moments of freedom when it came.

and that slowness helped me to understand and remember how it feels so compassion sets in when you see others suffering in the same way.

and even though some days are just really hard but there's always hope, and God so solid to lean on totally when you're just so exhausted. He's moulded me a lot, and i know there's so much more to come. He's given me all good things that i have, and controls everything that's happening to me.

so im just so thankful that, no, im not caught in any moment anymore - because of Him. :)

2007-01-15T21:26:00.000-08:00

copied it straight from a forwarded email, i think its all so amazing (:

*You say: "It's impossible" *

*God says:** All things are possible** *

*(Luke 18:27)** *

*You say: "I'm too tired" *

*God says: I will give you rest *

*(Matthew 11:28-30)** *

*You say: "Nobody really loves me" *

*God says: I love you *

*(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )** *

*You say: "I can't go on" *

*God says: My grace is sufficient *

*(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)** *

*You say: "I can't figure things out" *

*God says: I will direct your steps *

*(Proverbs 3:5-6)** *

*You say: "I can't do it" *

*God says: You can do all things *

*(Philippians 4:13)** *

*You say: "I'm not able" *

*God says: I am able *

*(II Corinthians 9:8)** *

*You say: "It's not worth it" *

*God says: It will be worth it *

*(Roman 8:28 )** *

*You say: "I can't forgive myself" *

*God says: I Forgive you *

*(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)** *

*You say: "I can't manage" *

*God says: I will supply all your needs *

*(Philippians 4:19)** *

*You say: "I'm afraid" *

*God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear *

*(II Timothy 1:7)** *

*You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" *

*God says: Cast all your cares on ME *

*(I Peter 5:7)** *

*You say: "I'm not smart enough" *

*God says: I give you wisdom *

*(I Corinthians 1:30)** *

*You say: "I feel all alone" *

*God says: I will never leave you or forsake you *

*(Hebrews 13:5)*

yeah. (: